Endings

 Well, it is a few weeks since I last posted.  Let's see what sense I can pull from this head and manage to use it to write something someone would like to read.  

Well, it's really "much ado" about  the same three or four topics which I've already dealt with in past posts.  I don't want to beat that poor, dead horse....Let us move on, shall we?

I haven't yet decided what to do about next year in terms of continuing this blog.  Between my uneventful life, my mental illness and diminished mental faculties I am really struggling with frustration which is often burdensome, as I search for topics about which to write.  My inclination is to say that I have said all that I have  to say and leave it at that.  I want to tell you that there are 10 years' worth in the annals of this blog.  The search feature will have to be your best friend though because Blogger changed the manner in which they allow you to navigate around  old posts.  They don't even tell you what year or month it is that you are looking at.  My advice is to pick a topic and using the search function (in the side bar to the right.) And be aware that it shows up in tiny print..another peeve I have.  You  have to search in order to search!  

Anyway. Once  you find a period of time or a topic that you want to explore, at the end of each blog there are two arrows--one for Older Post and one for Newer Post....that's the best way to follow through a span of time consecutively...just keep clicking the "newer post" arrow and read on. And you can always find the date the post was written at the top of the post near the title.

So if you want to read Cynthia's mind before it had completely departed...have a party! I'll bring the popcorn. hahaha.

But seriously. 

This blog has given my life some sense of purpose and accomplishment.   It has gone through seasons of high readership and low. (understandably, it is in one of those slumps right now).  Through it, I have made friends and gained a list of people to pray for.  If you are the family member of a mentally ill person, I pray that this will help you to gain understanding and compassion for what they are going through.  If you, yourself, are mentally ill I hope to have encouraged you to keep on striving for more,,don't be content just to take up space.  You have a serious mental illness but that doesn't mean all life, meaning and hope for the future have evaporated.   Think of something  you want to accomplish and then take steps, even baby steps, in that direction.  

I think that the sentence that would most explain my emotions and thoughts right now is this statement  I saw on a T-shirt:   "Fall down 7 times; Get  up 8"

God bless and thank  you for reading.

As Things Stand

 This post will not "wow" you with style or insight.  I feel a decided lack in both areas.  However you are probably wondering if I fell off the earth--so my purpose here is mainly to inform.

For some past months I have been "pursued" by a hacker/identity thief..  According to my family, he doesn't exist but is a figment of my psychosis.  As  a result I was railroaded into a hospital admission....although, I confess, it was necessary.  My fear and anxiety over the situation had caused me to dip back into psychosis...and I was struggling with delusions and hallucinations as well as a load of paranoia.  There were a total of three hospital stays in recent memory.  They did help although I am appalled by the advancement of my illness. I can no longer pretend that I am "normal" (is anyone?) and because my husband no  longer wants me to live in "his" home (it is half mine)--I am looking into other living alternatives.  Believe me, there are not a lot of options....at least not where I live.  It is easy to see how people with SZ so often live on the street.  A family member or room mate point to the door and say "OUT!" and there is no recourse for them but to go.  There are not too many people who are willing to share a house with someone who has SZ.

When I was in my 20's I lived in a group home--and I HATED it.  Because you see, in my eyes, I was normal and this was all a terrible mistake.  I thought I was better than the other residents. and had never been homeless....so I did not appreciate a somewhat comfortable bed and the half a room that was mine to call home or having sufficient food to stave off hunger.  From there I moved to a "Supportive Apartment" run by the same organization that ran the house.  I shared the apartment with two other young women and had the luxury of being assigned the one single bedroom.   My roommates varied from nice enough to a real ***** who set off every paranoid alarm in my brain.  I was terrified of her and she hated me  and did her best to worsen my paranoia.....

Anyway. 

I wanted out of the "System" - I didn't belong there (just ask me!)  So when a marriage proposal came from the man I was dating, I was very relieved that I would no longer be living in a group home. That lasted for 30 years of functioning adequately well enough to keep a house and raise a daughter.  But in the past 10 years, things have begun to slide.   I was kind of unaware of it until my social worker in the last hospital visit, asked me if I thought I belonged in a state hospital.  I almost yelled a vehement "NO!!" - Honestly it was not a thought that had crossed my mind in the past ten years when the question had come up one other time.My social worker said "You have a chronic, degenerative brain disease.  These episodes are not going to lessen. They will get worse and do you really want to hurt your family by going in and out of the hospital all of the time?"

Add that to that the fact that my father is quite worried about what will become of me when he is gone.  He wants to have me set up in some kind of long term solution.  I really never thought it would come down to this.  I mean, I knew it was a degenerative, chronic disease but never really considered in real life what that implied. So now, with my husband becoming more and more angry and constantly demanding that I leave ...I am under pressure to find some kind of alternative I can live with....and am not coming up with a bunch of options.

 So. 

Right now life is hard and I am in a bad spot.  God has some kind of solution in the works--I just hope he reveals it soon. I would not survive a single night on the street.  My pain levels are so severe that even a trip to the store is barely endurable.  And as far as my walking ability?  from my house down the driveway is about all I could manage.

This is how things are right now.  I have basically destroyed all of my friendships - or rather, my friends could not deal with my illness and one by one have bowed out of my life. My mom has gone to heaven and it won't be terribly long until my father does as well.  And then?  I have my daughter although my illness has been very hard on her and I know she has some mixed feelings about me.

If you pray to the Lord Jesus, please pray for me....that there will be an acceptable solution for me to have shelter and food.  Pray for my husband. ..and for my daughter.  Thank you.

A New Year's Resolve in September?

I was blessed when, on Saturday, my daughter came to spend the day with me.  She took my computer and checked everything out.....and declared it "Hacker-free".... as much as I want it to be determined to be safe and clear...I just have so much trouble believing that.  And my constant fear and hyper-alertness to everything that goes on with my accounts such as Google...and my terror when something occurs of which there is no explanation besides human finagling...all this has become part of my world.  It's as though someone said to me ," See your husband there? well, he doesn't exist.  You have created him in your sick mind."  It has made my husband furious and my daughter, frustrated....and me ? Alone and scared.

My daughter recently bought me the "Filament Bible" which is a Bible that is synced with a  QR scanner --which is an app you can install on your cell phone.  I still have some problem working the scanner--shaky hands make that a challenge--but if you are reading a book of the Bible and studying it, you don't have to scan much....you can navigate from your phone's screen.  There are numerous resources on the App which are all relevant to the Scriptures you are reading.  You can find info and "Study",  you can find material on which to "Reflect"  or charts, maps and graphs which invite you to "See". You can take it at  your own pace. You can nibble and graze, or you can dig deeply into a subject.--and  you can take as much or as little time as you can or want.

I am studying the book of Ezekiel who was quite a character...but  he was sold out to obeying God and was willing to suffer  pain and public humiliation in the pursuit of obedience to his God.  I'm no prophet but I do relate to his "weirdness" and am being blessed by his life.  The only objection he had ever raised to one of God's directives to him was his repulsion at the thought of fueling his fire where he was to bake bread--with dried, human dung. Now I would protest also but merely because of its grossness. But Zeke didn't like the idea because it would render him ceremonially unclean. He had kept the Law all his life and the thought  of besmirching his record of obedience was horrifying to him. And you know what? God listened to him and agreed he could use cow dung.  (Me? I'm thinking I would have pushed for charcoal brickettes.!)

 My plan is to continue to use the Filament Bible (forever ??? Maybe). through the coming year. I'm going to do topical studies, word studies, character studies and studies on books of the Bible.  I really like this idea.  I have the structure of a study guide and library of resources---and the freedom to do whatever I want with the material and to go as slowly or  quickly as I want. 

2020 was kind of a year  of spinning my spiritual wheels.  In 2019 I read the whole chronological Bible and that was awesome...but I thought I was ready for something new in 2020 but never  really arrived at what that "something" should be. So I spent my times of Penuel, just paging through my Bible and grazing, randomly.  It was half-hearted and I got little out of it.  It was, I am sure, what made this year so unsatisfying and such a spiritual struggle in seeking: purpose, worship and hearing God's voice through his Word..The year was not a total waste.  God spoke to my heart a number of times and I think I did progress and grow in being able to discern God's voice out of the noise  in my mind and spirit.

But I have determined that  2021 will be a year of increased intimacy and learning.  One thing I HAVE done right in 2020 was a greater focus on Bible memorization.  I learned several entire chapters and some smaller  passages. I will continue with that. Right now I am learning Psalm 91 which should be fairly easy because I am already very familiar with it. Having schizophrenia, probably one of my greatest emotional struggles is the struggle with fear.  Fear of things real (like my future and also what I will do in the face of the current shortage of my main psych med) and fear of things that exist only in this short--circuited brain of mine. And in the face of national instability and uncertainty here in this country and really, world-wide, Psalm  91 is an incredibly relevant and powerful chapter..

One of the best things for me in the face of a fading year and the anticipation of a new year, is the planning of my times of Penuel for the next 365 days (as I have explained before, Penuel which means "the face of God" is what I call my Quiet Time with the Lord each day.)  I'll probably write more on  that in the coming months.

 So study, more focus on prayer, and memorization lie in the year ahead.  I also plan on spending less time online and will probably share less of my guts and will guard my privacy a little more.  Hacker or none, I have too much hanging on the laundry line and it is a risk. And the last area of focus will be to continue to lose weight... This past year I have lost about 60 lbs. I know it is only  September, but I like to plan for the year ahead...even though the way it turns out usually has nothing to do with my plans, but "Those who aim at nothing, will reach it." The coming of fall always motivates me to think ahead. I do not always keep my goals but I do accomplish more than it would were it not for my aspirations.

Miracle or Madness?

 I know that I have been  quiet. I've been trying to make sense of my brain which seems sometimes, to have taken leave.   Is Eric right? There's nothing here in my cyber world, other than that which my sick brain has PUT there?  That is just so hard to believe.  I mean, when   your eyes are looking at something that you have never seen before and there is no doubt in your mind that what you are looking at is indeed real--and then someone tells you, "no.  It is not real"  what do you do with that? Do you willingly place it on the scrap heap of delusion and adopt a third party's assessment of what is real and what is not, when to do so is to "deny thyself and refute thy name"? Would doing that buy me any peace at all in this strife-torn house?  It would certainly be nice to be able to do that.  But it is not so easy to deny thyself when every bit of evidence is corroborated by my senses--by the very things I use to determine in every sense, what is real and what is not.  I mean if I throw that out--turn it on its head--what am I left with? What is real? Is anything real and trustworthy?  If you tell me that I have no sensibility by which I can say, "This is real" and "this is not" then  you are throwing me into some deep, stormy water without a dependable craft in which to stay afloat.  

But on the other hand, when what I feel is real, is displaying some very scary capabilities to wreak havoc and destruction in my life, it is tempting to say to it, "Hah! you are not real and therefore  you have no ability to touch me or  harm me." which gives it (them) the license to do what they will at potentially great expense and harm to me. Its very power and terror comes from its true potentiality and "reasonableness."  It could be real.  I pray to God that it is not but must keep alert to signs that it is.  It is this last sentence that has my husband and daughter in an uproar.  They lean to the position that I should believe NOTHING that my brain or senses tell me. And because I have been unable (and maybe unwilling) to do that, they are angry.  I really wonder what they would do if roles and symptoms were theirs instead of mine?

On another note, I saw an ad for a Bible which is "Filament enabled".  It is an NLT study Bible with large print and a pretty cover and access to an online treasure trove of study resources. I don't know if you've heard of the Filament Bible.  It is a Bible that interacts with the reader online by presenting every type of resource one could want, including even a collection of worship music (and I am hoping: hymns).  My daughter ordered it for me because (due to nonsense. I confess), my credit cards are in the process of being replaced and I'm waiting for them in the mail.  I'm so excited by this Bible because I have been HUNGRY for more of God and more of his Word...but have been at a loss as to topic or method of study.   I think that my first study in this new Bible will be the book of Ezekiel. HE saw things that no one would believe either.  I heard someplace that Ezekiel was schizophrenic.  I know that the line between prophecy and SZ is a narrow one.  I believe that prophets as well as those with SZ are privy to sensibilities that stretch the borders of the ordinary man's grasp and faith. And I think that were a person with SZ to see a field of dried  up human bones, he would be much less challenged - than a normal person would be-to believe what he was seeing should he see flesh appear upon that dead army and he would be more willing to call forth breath for those long dead.  God pushes mankind WAY out of our comfort zone and the psychotic mind is much more comfortable in the territory of the miraculous than is the average man.  And I think, therefore, God has a special place in his heart for those of us who find Reality a question and an effort.

Well, I didn't cover any of the things I had intention of writing about but perhaps that is just as well. Maybe next time.

The Breakdown of my Breakdown. Pt 2 of my discussion of what I've recently been through.

 The last post was written prior to my most recent issues....This post picks up a month or so later.  Things were unraveling in every part of my mind, and life.  The thing is that I could not admit or comprehend my state of fragility---or the extent of the disconnect going on in my brain.  I'm afraid I can not give much of a coherent breakdown of my breakdown.  There were struggles at home and I went from appointment to appointment looking for a hand too draw me from the abyss.  Honestly I do not have any clear memories of that time.  All I can tell  you is that it was desperate, scary time.  The "Shadow People" were still monopolizing my thoughts and time.  Nothing was safe and I felt that I would never escape their strangle hold on me.

Long story short: I was admitted to the psych floor at our local hospital.

And then,there in the hospital, once again, I bent to pick up a piece of paper on the floor and there it went.  My hip bone slipped out of the rubber cuff that holds it in place...just three months after having the surgery done the previous time.  This time I had to wait about 3 days on the ortho floor with my hip out of place and in enormous agony.  

I'm realizing as I write this that I'm mixing up the facts and timeline.  I really don't have a clear idea of how this whole thing transpired. But the upshot is that I got a new hip joint and from there was shipped over to BHU (Behavioral Health Unit).  And I was truly a mess.  But true to form, I hid it pretty well (at least I THOUGHT I did!  Now that I was away from my triggers on line..my paranoia turned to my more immediate surroundings.  I was certain that a group of nurses, aides and one person from administration, were actively seeking to have me admitted to a unit for people with dementia.  I went from extreme to extreme emotionally.  It was a miserable time for me.  I was filled with fear and panic.  I could not confide in anyone for fear they were a part of my group of hate-filled nurses and staff.  

After I was cleared medically following that hip replacement, I was transferred to BHU only to discover more of the hateful staff there.  My doctor there was one of the head docs in that department.  He was a Chinese man and I sometimes had to ask him to repeat himself so that I could understand what he was saying. He (correctly) diagnosed the problem as paranoia and delusional thoughts...both, symptoms of my original diagnosis as Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia.  And as these two or three weeks in that hospital I was able to look back on my years of sickness, even encompassing years where I was "well" and "symptom free."  I was able to see how, throughout my entire life since age 16, I was constantly ensconced in one or more areas of serious struggles with paranoia.

My doctor there said that in cases like mine where it has gone without being dealt with early on, it can be hard or impossible to get the delusions and fears to go away.  Rather, the focus must be on  my response to the crazy situations my brain drums up.  When the doctor and his team of interns and  residents told me on Monday that I was going to have to leave on Wednesday since my insurance had decided I was ready to be discharged, I cried that day and had a terrible anxiety attack. But a staff member helped me using herbal remedies to calm me down.  Lavender oil and chamomile tea.   It worked. On Tuesday I was in good shape.  Most of the hospital stay I spent in my room but on Tuesday,  I attended all the groups and was more active.  Pain blew me out of the water and pretty much made sleep impossible on the night prior to my discharge today but for the first time in a long time I had an inkling of peace.

When I contemplated coming home to a computer and cell phone full of malevolent forces my stomach dropped inside...my throat closed in fear.  But I made some rules: I would only be online for short times and would look for other ways to stay busy.  I would only look online if there was someone here with me who could be the reality test for me.  Well I broke all those rules.  I got involved in putting out some fires and recovered my Google account as well as a secondary email address that had gotten messed up.  

It is with complete amazement that I witness how intricately my brain works and how much smarter it is than the rest of me :)  Incredible that it could create such believable scenarios with perfect detail.  I have found that logical questions are helpful to restore reality to my mind. And when I ask these questions, much of the fear subsides.  I do think that someone is definitely  playing hankie pankie with my accounts.  There are some sites that he has joined and it seems he is also making use of my YouTube account. But even knowing that, I'm okay.  I will ferret out all these problems and deal with them one at a time.  And I know just the right person to help me with that. That is not my concern tonight.  I have other things more profitable to think about.

I know this post does not really reveal the guts of what happened to me at the hands of this illness. But it's all that I'm capable of explaining right now. Maybe later there will be some light thrown on the dark areas of confusion and fear...but for now this will have to do.

"Do Not Panic Before Them"-- My recent Decline: PART ONE

 This post was written in February and is the introduction to a series based on my recent experiences as a Schizophrenic woman struggling with her illness.

"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” Deut. 31:6

The signs were there---for a long time.  Irrational fears.  Forgetfulness.  Losing the ability to use logic.  Obsessions and terror about things like head lice and identity theft.  The internal pressures in my brain were building up to a great implosion.   And on August 1st, it happened. 

It started with an email from Google that an unauthorized person was in my Google account.  So I ousted him and changed the password.  A little while later, I checked, and he was gone.  Then another note.  I repeated the process...and then he came back almost immediately. It was like he could see my new passwords as soon as they were posted.  I panicked.  Hyperventilating and sweating I racked my brain for a strategy...but came up with nothing.  I went to my other email site and found it FULL of security breach alerts...from almost every site I frequent.  I finally shut the computer and laid on my bed in the darkness, eyes wide and terrified.

The next morning I emailed my friend who owns a computer shop in town.  He's my repair guru and over the years we grew to trust each other and I enjoy doing business with him.  He listened to my panicked description of the problem--and said something unexpected.  "Cynthia, shut the computer down and do not touch it for a week. Your marriage needs your attention and you are too wrapped up in this."

I was dubious...I mean, wasn't that dangerous?  But I agreed to listen to him.  But I couldn't help myself.  The next day I went onto my Kindle Fire.  This guy was everywhere.  I knew what town he was from and what device he was using...but that was IT.  He, on the other hand, appeared to know what color underwear I was wearing.  I was terrified. I couldn't breathe.  And then he spotted the Kindle I was on and began his attack on me there. I shut it down.  Only to get onto my smart phone the next morning.  I realized that he was working on wifi....he should have no access to my text messages. For a day or two that went okay...but they (now he was joined by an Oriental woman...I felt quite sure) caught on to my strategy and began to intercept my text messages also. Soon it became apparent that they could see me and hear me as well. 

It had the flavor of an international data breach.  One that would topple governments.  Much more was at stake than my bank account. (oddly, they never touched any of my finance accounts or even Amazon. ) I did not know what they were really looking for but knew that it was something nefarious.  And I was scared.  My fear knew no boundaries. It was all consuming.  I couldn't put my cell phone down. I had to keep on top of them or Lord knows what  would happen.

I knew I was sick. It took a couple of days for me to realize it.  But finally it dawned on me.  I needed help.  I talked to my husband and we agreed to follow the med protocol the hospital always used on me when I was admitted and it had always worked.  But even so...I needed more help. I called my psychiatrist's PA whom I see every couple of  months. She increased my medicine dose and added Abilify at my request.  Then she told me her boss wanted to meet with me in a phone session.  I was scared of him.  I had never met him but in my mind he was frightening.

The morning of my conversation with him, I showered in case he did a video call.  My hair needed help.  When the phone rang, a gentle voice said "Hi honey,  how are  you doing?"  He was nothing like I'd anticipated.  I told him I needed more meds... that I was in hell.  He wanted me to wait until next Monday (which was about 5 days away) to increase the med since it can take that long for an increase to kick in its effect.  I managed to talk to him fairly  normally and wondered if he could possibly guess how severe my suffering was since I masked it so well.

Then. On Thursday....things got completely out of hand.  I looked at my cell phone in disbelief ...message after message flashed on it ...An emoticon with an evil, satanic leer grinned at me...There was now an entire team of these sadists out to destroy me.  I was overcome with fear..  But .  Yet.  Something....wasn't  right.  How could any person do  all this so quickly?  No one could type that fast. No.  it had to be something else.  I knew it.  It was demons.  I called my friend Jim and told him a little of what was happening.  He started to speak truth to me.  "Cynthia.  Jesus is Lord.  Jesus is King. Only He can help  you. He is the most powerful."  I decided to go to Jim's house and show  him my phone.  So his caregiver  and my friend, picked me up and drove me there.  I turned my phone on to show him...and stopped in stunned amazement.  There was my email. Circumspect and normal.    No demons. No icons.  No threats.....just ...email.

A thought began to tentatively bubble up to my surface consciousness.  What if there really WAS no one there?  What if it is all my sick mind?  It was an astounding thought.  HOW could my brain manufacture security alerts etc, that were so believable?  Wow.

I am a freakin' schizophrenic.

I mean, obviously I knew that...but the incredible power of my sick brain had heretofore eluded me.  So.  I took a deep breath and put down my cell phone.  Later I went to sites I had not dared  to open while I was on the run from THEM.  Now, I began to breathe a little easier .  But then I thought of my laptop....abandoned for the entire week.  And the terror began to tingle down my spine again.  That was where my Google account was...probably by this time they would not let me reclaim it as rightfully mine.  It was lost  to these shadow people.  I decided that I would take it to Tommy (my computer friend) and would do it in his presence...so if anything weird were to happen, he would know what to do.

On Friday I emailed Tommy, and sadly, he had  had a death in the family and would not be available. He suggested I call his shop and get together with  one of his employees.  No. I took a deep breath and opened my laptop.  I signed on and went to Youtube.  (a Google site)...no problems  there.  Then I went to Gmail.  I clicked on my account -- in amazement that my  password worked-- and saw that all was well. No mention of an intruder.  I saw my password change on August 1st but  otherwise...nada.

I was relieved and I confess, gobsmacked (as my friends over the Pond say).  I have no idea how this began or if there ever was an intruder.  I still am nervous. I was on my cell tonight with  a friend and suddenly all my windows shut down...inexplicably.  And terror grabbed me by the throat.  I am gun-shy and I suspect I will be for awhile.  I still have thoughts of "THEM" and think that maybe they are laying low for a while just to make me get careless and then they can finish me off once and for all.

This afternoon my husband came to my room and said, "I want you to know that I am impressed and I am PROUD of YOU.  This is the first time in 30 years that you have admitted  you are sick and realized that you need meds.  You trusted me enough to let me tell you what meds to take and you took the initiative and  called a doctor and came up with a plan. I am impressed."  Those words made this whole hellish experience a little more tolerable.  Worthwhile. Those words mean a lot to me.  My husband is not one given to compliments...to me, anyway...and hearing them brought tears to my eyes.  My illness  has brought  all kinds of hell to my family and a lot of that hell was caused by my belligerence and refusal to cooperate with anyone's attempts to help me.  It's not so much the schizophrenia that was the problem. It  was my stubbornness.  Before I had always let the tide of insanity carry me out to sea in a great swooosh.   This time I fought back..not with the doctors or my family but against the illness itself. I fought back with the only weapons we have which almost always will work: prayer, medications and being honest with my health care professionals.

The last two psychotic episodes I've had were different. They were FILLED with heart-stopping terror. I never want to experience that again.  But I know I probably will. Maybe now, however, my approach will be different.  Thank you to my husband and daughter who did not let them lock me  up and throw away the key as they were advised by my doctors to do. Yes, I damaged our relationships.  Things are not the same.  But I appreciate them on a whole new level now.

After I closed my Google page and was totally befuddled by all this..I looked at the email that was open on the screen. It was one of my daily verse emails.  And it seemed to me to be so appropriate.  A perfect ending.*

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*See the verse at the beginning of this blog.

I played the following song over and over in the past week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_v3i2k6Psc&list=RD-EINvnCqgjc&index=6

Special Guest Author: Julie Zine Coleman

Today I bring  you a special gift---an article by author Julie Zine Coleman,whom I met at a writers' conference in Philadelphia quite a few years ago now. I'm honored that she has agreed to write a post for us here. Julie's great love is deep study of the word of God, and unpacking it to bless the rest of us as well as equipping us to study deeper and better ourselves.
 

How to Go Deeper into God’s Word (part 1)

By Julie Zine Coleman

It has been said that the Bible is the least read bestseller on the market. Most people purchase their Bible believing it to be the inspired Word of God. Why then aren’t we reading it?

Honestly? Finding something fresh or inspiring in the Bible that relates directly to our life experiences can be a challenge. It was written thousands of years ago. The language can be archaic, and the literary style and content often feels out of date. It’s hard to know how to jump in.

How can we move past a superficial reading to finding fresh meaning in our study of Scripture? It’s not rocket science. There are three basic steps to hermeneutics (interpretation of Scripture) that should be followed in order to determine the intended meaning in a passage: observation, interpretation, and application.

This article will cover the first step, which is always observation. It is our human tendency to give something a good read, then jump right to interpretation. But when we rush through observation, we will miss so many important details that will make the passage come alive. Every word is there for a reason. The best way you can start digging is to know what the passage says.  

1. Before you do anything, pray.

1 Corinthians 2:11-16 tells us “the thoughts of God no one knows except the Spirit of God. Now we have received… the Spirit who is from God so that we may know the things freely given to us by God…those taught by the Spirit.” Ask the Holy Spirit to teach and guide you. He will be faithful to do it.

2. Approach the passage with a clean slate.

One of the greatest killers to our potential to discover truth is approaching Scripture with the attitude: “I already know that.”

3. Look for what is emphasized (find repeated words or ideas).

4. Look for the main point of the passage. You can also find supporting details in many passages. Often the author gives several examples to flesh out a main point.

5. Note anything you learn about God. After all, Scripture is one big revelation of Him! There’s so much to look at and investigate and discover about Him:

            How he interacts with individuals

            What he values

            What is his desire for us

            His master plan from the beginning

            Faith, grace, mercy, forgiveness

            Character traits: how He defines Himself

6. List reasons the author gives for something.

7. Note parallel ideas being presented.

8. Note signal words.

·         For indicates the author is about to list a reason.

·         Therefore, so that, for this reason indicate the author has just given you a reason. What follows then will be our appropriate response.

·         Therefore can also indicate a summary or conclusion is about to be made.

·         But, however, nevertheless signal contrast. Look to see what two things are being compared.

9. Find the pronouns (he, she, it, they, them) and determine the antecedent (the word they are replacing).

10. Ask questions. Is there something you don’t understand? Write it down. I keep a list with every passage I study. Keep these handy for when you come to a stand-still in your observations. They might give you something else to look for and get you moving again!

The way I approach any passage is to first print it out, copy and pasting from a site like biblegateway.com. Then, as I discover these things, I use colored fine-point sharpies to mark it up. I draw arrows to related things, draw boxes around important words, circle, underline, etc. No color means anything specific. I just change colors with every new thought or idea to help me visualize what goes with what.

Don’t be in a hurry. Spend at least 20 minutes and two or three days in this first step. You will be surprised what you will find that you might have brushed right past with a superficial reading.

Once you have spent ample time in observation, you will be ready to move into the next step: interpretation (we’ll cover that in another article). The more you practice good observation tactics, the better you will get. Time to get started!

Please visit Julie on her web page to learn more about her and what she is doing: http://juliecoleman.org/about-julie/

(Julie's first book can be found at: https://www.amazon.com/Unexpected-Love-Heart-Revealed-Conversations-ebook/dp/B00A0VP5OU/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=julie+coleman&qid=1595996368&sr=8.

She is hard at work on her second book and we will be seeing it in bookstores and on Amazon soon. Please grace her by writing a comment on this post.  She has two more articles to follow up on this one.  Please let her know if you liked this first post.

A Love Like you Can't Imagine

I have a binder chock full of articles I have written as I have traversed this life of faith and probably hundreds more on my computer.  I opened the file on my computer and started reading.  This article was written at least 10 years ago as that is when it was last edited.  Things were very different for me back then.  It was a whole lifetime ago.  But still, we can learn from our past selves and be challenged by them as well. I hope you enjoy this blast from my past.  

I have a friend who ministers to the Cambodian people as a doctor and a follower of Christ.  He sent me an article written by Henry Nouwen that made him think of me when he read it.  As I read this article some things began to click and come together for me…I want to try to elucidate them here to both convey my thoughts to you and to also consolidate and maybe get a better grasp on them myself.

The article talked about Solitude and the importance of coming to a solid understanding during our times of being alone with God, that we are His Beloved.  That is our identity…All that we are and do must spring from that fact–and if we can really grasp this-- we will be able to endure much hardship and much success.  If we solidly understand this truth: we will no longer need to seek affirmation, attention, or adulation from others…because we will have all that we need from the One who so fervently loves us. All of that nameless longing that we have (especially those of us who did not come from very affectionate homes) for love and security will be satisfied in abundance by our Father’s love.  Last night God reminded me of the following verse.

Jeremiah 31:3

³The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying,
         ”I have loved you with an everlasting love;
         Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.

Sometimes God is “afar” off to us but it is He who takes the initiative to “appear” to us (in Hebrew, the word for “appear” means to reveal oneself to another).  God will approach US and make us understand the fact of how greatly we are loved by Him.  This love has no end and no beginning…it exists for all time.  And God grants us favor and blessings so that we will be drawn toward Him; compelled by His kindness to approach, to know Him, and then to enter into the relationship of both a child with our parents and also a spouse with our beloved Lover.  God’s love has both the acceptance and comfort of an ideal parent and also the passion of a lover – and thus it fulfills, completely, every innate need we have.

The next thought that God gave me along these lines was that we are as important as is the One who loves us.  Obviously, we are not as important as God but He loves us so much, that this is true in a real way.  He literally left heaven’s splendor, took on the limitations and weakness of a man’s body, and came on a passionate pursuit with the purpose of saving us from the sin that had a death-grip on us and which would have stolen us, His bride, away from Him forever.  This mission necessarily involved Him dying in the pursuit of that purpose at the hands of some of those Beloved ones He had come to rescue. This death of our lover, was our judgment day–and HE bore the penalty that we deserved, for us, there on that cross.  So, because our Father/spouse gave His life for ours, He assigned that importance to us and therefore we are counted as valued and greatly treasured.  This hit me hard, because, then it is true that I AM NOT MY OWN – I have been purchased with a very high price which makes me valuable…and therefore it is very wrong of me to deliberately injure or abuse this body as I did sometimes.  It is the possession of the King.  It is the highly esteemed possession of the King….Therefore, no matter how worthless the enemy of our souls makes us feel, we must understand that this is a lie from hell and we, instead, have an inestimable value.

That is hard for me to grasp; hard for me to FEEL.  While on one hand it delights me; on the other it is hard to believe.  I think of my unworthy behavior; of my weakness; of this body that I am not so fond of–and I wonder with the hymn writer, “How can He love me so?”  But that is the first and foremost fact that God desires us to know about ourselves.  And once we do, we will never again be the same.  We will walk in confidence; we will not give anyone the power to convince us that we are worthless or not beautiful; we will never have to seek attention or affirmation from others on this earth;…are you getting this picture??  Are you bowled over in amazement?  If you’re not, then you’re not getting the picture!

Worship will change for us as well.  We will not value things that are of little or no significance anymore… Our Lover will be all that we desire.  And the Bible says that “We love because He first loved us.” That means, if you think about it, that UNTIL WE GRASP THE FACT OF HIS LOVE FOR US, we will be unable to really love Him.  And therefore, our worship will really be empty and powerless because it is not springing up from a well full of His amazing love for us.  We cannot give what we have not been given. And we cannot GET what we so greatly need and desire from anyone or anything on this earth.  We were created for relationship with God.  Nothing else will ever satisfy that longing and need.
These things all sound wonderful–but I still have not fully grasped them…nor will I ever comprehend it entirely.  It is a truth that we understand a little bit more at a time as He enlarges our capacity for Him and His love.  I hope that my words have enlarged your capacity to comprehend the truth of these things as well.  If we can get but an inkling, our lives will never again be the same!