I was blessed when, on Saturday, my daughter came to spend the day with me. She took my computer and checked everything out.....and declared it "Hacker-free".... as much as I want it to be determined to be safe and clear...I just have so much trouble believing that. And my constant fear and hyper-alertness to everything that goes on with my accounts such as Google...and my terror when something occurs of which there is no explanation besides human finagling...all this has become part of my world. It's as though someone said to me ," See your husband there? well, he doesn't exist. You have created him in your sick mind." It has made my husband furious and my daughter, frustrated....and me ? Alone and scared.
My daughter recently bought me the "Filament Bible" which is a Bible that is synced with a QR scanner --which is an app you can install on your cell phone. I still have some problem working the scanner--shaky hands make that a challenge--but if you are reading a book of the Bible and studying it, you don't have to scan much....you can navigate from your phone's screen. There are numerous resources on the App which are all relevant to the Scriptures you are reading. You can find info and "Study", you can find material on which to "Reflect" or charts, maps and graphs which invite you to "See". You can take it at your own pace. You can nibble and graze, or you can dig deeply into a subject.--and you can take as much or as little time as you can or want.
I am studying the book of Ezekiel who was quite a character...but he was sold out to obeying God and was willing to suffer pain and public humiliation in the pursuit of obedience to his God. I'm no prophet but I do relate to his "weirdness" and am being blessed by his life. The only objection he had ever raised to one of God's directives to him was his repulsion at the thought of fueling his fire where he was to bake bread--with dried, human dung. Now I would protest also but merely because of its grossness. But Zeke didn't like the idea because it would render him ceremonially unclean. He had kept the Law all his life and the thought of besmirching his record of obedience was horrifying to him. And you know what? God listened to him and agreed he could use cow dung. (Me? I'm thinking I would have pushed for charcoal brickettes.!)
My plan is to continue to use the Filament Bible (forever ??? Maybe). through the coming year. I'm going to do topical studies, word studies, character studies and studies on books of the Bible. I really like this idea. I have the structure of a study guide and library of resources---and the freedom to do whatever I want with the material and to go as slowly or quickly as I want.
2020 was kind of a year of spinning my spiritual wheels. In 2019 I read the whole chronological Bible and that was awesome...but I thought I was ready for something new in 2020 but never really arrived at what that "something" should be. So I spent my times of Penuel, just paging through my Bible and grazing, randomly. It was half-hearted and I got little out of it. It was, I am sure, what made this year so unsatisfying and such a spiritual struggle in seeking: purpose, worship and hearing God's voice through his Word..The year was not a total waste. God spoke to my heart a number of times and I think I did progress and grow in being able to discern God's voice out of the noise in my mind and spirit.
But I have determined that 2021 will be a year of increased intimacy and learning. One thing I HAVE done right in 2020 was a greater focus on Bible memorization. I learned several entire chapters and some smaller passages. I will continue with that. Right now I am learning Psalm 91 which should be fairly easy because I am already very familiar with it. Having schizophrenia, probably one of my greatest emotional struggles is the struggle with fear. Fear of things real (like my future and also what I will do in the face of the current shortage of my main psych med) and fear of things that exist only in this short--circuited brain of mine. And in the face of national instability and uncertainty here in this country and really, world-wide, Psalm 91 is an incredibly relevant and powerful chapter..
One of the best things for me in the face of a fading year and the anticipation of a new year, is the planning of my times of Penuel for the next 365 days (as I have explained before, Penuel which means "the face of God" is what I call my Quiet Time with the Lord each day.) I'll probably write more on that in the coming months.
So study, more focus on prayer, and memorization lie in the year ahead. I also plan on spending less time online and will probably share less of my guts and will guard my privacy a little more. Hacker or none, I have too much hanging on the laundry line and it is a risk. And the last area of focus will be to continue to lose weight... This past year I have lost about 60 lbs. I know it is only September, but I like to plan for the year ahead...even though the way it turns out usually has nothing to do with my plans, but "Those who aim at nothing, will reach it." The coming of fall always motivates me to think ahead. I do not always keep my goals but I do accomplish more than it would were it not for my aspirations.