I know that I have been quiet. I've been trying to make sense of my brain which seems sometimes, to have taken leave. Is Eric right? There's nothing here in my cyber world, other than that which my sick brain has PUT there? That is just so hard to believe. I mean, when your eyes are looking at something that you have never seen before and there is no doubt in your mind that what you are looking at is indeed real--and then someone tells you, "no. It is not real" what do you do with that? Do you willingly place it on the scrap heap of delusion and adopt a third party's assessment of what is real and what is not, when to do so is to "deny thyself and refute thy name"? Would doing that buy me any peace at all in this strife-torn house? It would certainly be nice to be able to do that. But it is not so easy to deny thyself when every bit of evidence is corroborated by my senses--by the very things I use to determine in every sense, what is real and what is not. I mean if I throw that out--turn it on its head--what am I left with? What is real? Is anything real and trustworthy? If you tell me that I have no sensibility by which I can say, "This is real" and "this is not" then you are throwing me into some deep, stormy water without a dependable craft in which to stay afloat.
But on the other hand, when what I feel is real, is displaying some very scary capabilities to wreak havoc and destruction in my life, it is tempting to say to it, "Hah! you are not real and therefore you have no ability to touch me or harm me." which gives it (them) the license to do what they will at potentially great expense and harm to me. Its very power and terror comes from its true potentiality and "reasonableness." It could be real. I pray to God that it is not but must keep alert to signs that it is. It is this last sentence that has my husband and daughter in an uproar. They lean to the position that I should believe NOTHING that my brain or senses tell me. And because I have been unable (and maybe unwilling) to do that, they are angry. I really wonder what they would do if roles and symptoms were theirs instead of mine?
On another note, I saw an ad for a Bible which is "Filament enabled". It is an NLT study Bible with large print and a pretty cover and access to an online treasure trove of study resources. I don't know if you've heard of the Filament Bible. It is a Bible that interacts with the reader online by presenting every type of resource one could want, including even a collection of worship music (and I am hoping: hymns). My daughter ordered it for me because (due to nonsense. I confess), my credit cards are in the process of being replaced and I'm waiting for them in the mail. I'm so excited by this Bible because I have been HUNGRY for more of God and more of his Word...but have been at a loss as to topic or method of study. I think that my first study in this new Bible will be the book of Ezekiel. HE saw things that no one would believe either. I heard someplace that Ezekiel was schizophrenic. I know that the line between prophecy and SZ is a narrow one. I believe that prophets as well as those with SZ are privy to sensibilities that stretch the borders of the ordinary man's grasp and faith. And I think that were a person with SZ to see a field of dried up human bones, he would be much less challenged - than a normal person would be-to believe what he was seeing should he see flesh appear upon that dead army and he would be more willing to call forth breath for those long dead. God pushes mankind WAY out of our comfort zone and the psychotic mind is much more comfortable in the territory of the miraculous than is the average man. And I think, therefore, God has a special place in his heart for those of us who find Reality a question and an effort.
Well, I didn't cover any of the things I had intention of writing about but perhaps that is just as well. Maybe next time.
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