The last post was written prior to my most recent issues....This post picks up a month or so later. Things were unraveling in every part of my mind, and life. The thing is that I could not admit or comprehend my state of fragility---or the extent of the disconnect going on in my brain. I'm afraid I can not give much of a coherent breakdown of my breakdown. There were struggles at home and I went from appointment to appointment looking for a hand too draw me from the abyss. Honestly I do not have any clear memories of that time. All I can tell you is that it was desperate, scary time. The "Shadow People" were still monopolizing my thoughts and time. Nothing was safe and I felt that I would never escape their strangle hold on me.
Long story short: I was admitted to the psych floor at our local hospital.
And then,there in the hospital, once again, I bent to pick up a piece of paper on the floor and there it went. My hip bone slipped out of the rubber cuff that holds it in place...just three months after having the surgery done the previous time. This time I had to wait about 3 days on the ortho floor with my hip out of place and in enormous agony.
I'm realizing as I write this that I'm mixing up the facts and timeline. I really don't have a clear idea of how this whole thing transpired. But the upshot is that I got a new hip joint and from there was shipped over to BHU (Behavioral Health Unit). And I was truly a mess. But true to form, I hid it pretty well (at least I THOUGHT I did! Now that I was away from my triggers on line..my paranoia turned to my more immediate surroundings. I was certain that a group of nurses, aides and one person from administration, were actively seeking to have me admitted to a unit for people with dementia. I went from extreme to extreme emotionally. It was a miserable time for me. I was filled with fear and panic. I could not confide in anyone for fear they were a part of my group of hate-filled nurses and staff.
After I was cleared medically following that hip replacement, I was transferred to BHU only to discover more of the hateful staff there. My doctor there was one of the head docs in that department. He was a Chinese man and I sometimes had to ask him to repeat himself so that I could understand what he was saying. He (correctly) diagnosed the problem as paranoia and delusional thoughts...both, symptoms of my original diagnosis as Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia. And as these two or three weeks in that hospital I was able to look back on my years of sickness, even encompassing years where I was "well" and "symptom free." I was able to see how, throughout my entire life since age 16, I was constantly ensconced in one or more areas of serious struggles with paranoia.
My doctor there said that in cases like mine where it has gone without being dealt with early on, it can be hard or impossible to get the delusions and fears to go away. Rather, the focus must be on my response to the crazy situations my brain drums up. When the doctor and his team of interns and residents told me on Monday that I was going to have to leave on Wednesday since my insurance had decided I was ready to be discharged, I cried that day and had a terrible anxiety attack. But a staff member helped me using herbal remedies to calm me down. Lavender oil and chamomile tea. It worked. On Tuesday I was in good shape. Most of the hospital stay I spent in my room but on Tuesday, I attended all the groups and was more active. Pain blew me out of the water and pretty much made sleep impossible on the night prior to my discharge today but for the first time in a long time I had an inkling of peace.
When I contemplated coming home to a computer and cell phone full of malevolent forces my stomach dropped inside...my throat closed in fear. But I made some rules: I would only be online for short times and would look for other ways to stay busy. I would only look online if there was someone here with me who could be the reality test for me. Well I broke all those rules. I got involved in putting out some fires and recovered my Google account as well as a secondary email address that had gotten messed up.
It is with complete amazement that I witness how intricately my brain works and how much smarter it is than the rest of me :) Incredible that it could create such believable scenarios with perfect detail. I have found that logical questions are helpful to restore reality to my mind. And when I ask these questions, much of the fear subsides. I do think that someone is definitely playing hankie pankie with my accounts. There are some sites that he has joined and it seems he is also making use of my YouTube account. But even knowing that, I'm okay. I will ferret out all these problems and deal with them one at a time. And I know just the right person to help me with that. That is not my concern tonight. I have other things more profitable to think about.
I know this post does not really reveal the guts of what happened to me at the hands of this illness. But it's all that I'm capable of explaining right now. Maybe later there will be some light thrown on the dark areas of confusion and fear...but for now this will have to do.
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