movies. Like a movie viewer is placed over my eyes and I can't get it off. I'm compelled to watch mini-dramas unfold...soundless. just images. Sometimes I can get the gist of what is going on--and other times can't.
aware- of my mental disintegration. I listen to my "peers" and read what they write and my writing looks like preschool work next to post grad. What happened to my brain?
The sadness of this illness has gripped me.
Maybe I am.
I wish --so much--that I knew a person with SZ...someone I could be friends with who would completely understand what this is like. This Elmers glue that has replaced my blood. These parasites eating away at my brain. I have friends like that online. But I need a 3 D friend.
Today I saw a man in the grocery store who looked like he may have SZ. I thought it over and then decided you can't just go up to a person and say, "scuse me, but do you have schizophrenia?"
If he didn't --he'd be, pissed. And if he did. He'd still be pissed. No one likes to be spotted out of a crowd and toe-tagged
My daughter needs a mom. A real mom. A competent mom who could hop into her car and drive up there to help her move.
My husband needs a wife. A real wife. A competent wife who could cook him dinner and carry on a conversation.
my mom and dad need a daughter. a daughter who remembers to send cards and buy gifts on birthdays.
I am a failure to each of my roles.
For how long can this go on?
how long can a person sit in her room and do NOTHING and contribute NOTHING to her world before the axe falls and she is ousted?
Why is God lingering? What is he waiting for?
self pity.
Is nauseating. I smell it on my breath. But my feelings are sincere. Not woe is me. But "Whoa! Is this me???"
I feel the suck-tion of the whirlpool swirling down the drain. Call it a drain. Call it a rabbit hole. It is what it is....and I know it.
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