Loved Like Crazy

This past week or two has been really hard. I've been struggling with symptoms, and then had an outbreak of psoriasis (from the stress, doubtless) and so have been put on corticosteroids. And they, in turn have made me feel even worse in numerous ways...They skyrocket my anxiety level to unbearable heights...they cause depression and yes, worsen or cause psychosis.... I've been so anxious that I walk around literally talking aloud to myself giving myself directions as to what to do next...And I found today that I went from task to task (leaving huge messes in my wake for me to clean up later), and flitted like a butterfly on acid from thing to thing, not getting anything much accomplished in any one event...But the good thing is that I did try to rein myself in with a "to do list" and this kept me a bit more on track....I kept coming back to things that I was working on and doing a bit more before becoming distracted and wandering off to the next thing.

And in the midst of my day, I've been messing with my playlist (which I just listed in the prior post, check it out for some great music...). I added a few songs to it today. And I discovered that my CD drive...which had not been working...decided to fix itself so I was able to put some new music on my mp3 player. And there were a number of incidents today that caused distress...but God took care of them all, one by one throughout the day. I was at a loss, and He took over...one by one until they were all fixed --except one. I'd lost a $50 bill yesterday when I went to Walmart. There is no error. I'd counted my money before leaving and wrote it down...and then counted it this morning and the fifty is gone.

So, I refigured my budget....and I'm still going to make it through the month...just a bit tighter that's all. So I mentally wished the person who found it, a "Merry Christmas" and prayed to my Father that that $50 would be an answer to need and to prayer for someone. And I'm okay about it ...I trust that God will work a miracle for someone...and I would be glad to have been the cause.

And as I read my Bible Study chapter in the book we are currently working through ("Crazy Love" by Francis Chan)...which I"m only just now reading and Bible Study is SOON tonight...because I'd lost the book temporarily...that was one of the problems God solved for me; it occurred to me that in my struggles of the week, I've really had quite a bad attitude. Extremely negative...probably a good bit of self pity thrown in...and when things started to landslide...I just threw myself into that downward momentum, rather than trying to dig my feet in and get it all to stop. It may be true honestly that I could not have prevented or changed anything...but my heart COULD'VE been a lot closer to God through the process. I could have spent a lot more time praising and a lot less cursing. And I am really ashamed about that...(OKAY, "convicted")...I've already talk to the Lord about it...and the conversation is ongoing....but I needed to apologize to you readers as well. NO one wants to read a diatribe of negativity. I'm sorry I wallowed...because I really did.

And that's all the self-flagellation I will do. Because you know what? God loves me like crazy...and he's teaching me to love Him right back with that same Crazy Love. And therefore I have it in me to rejoice despite my circumstances...Not because of my own wonderful temperament...but because I have HIS person in me and HIS resources of joy, peace and love. I just forget that big bank account I have there to draw on when I 'm in need (which is 24/7). So, hopefully things will look a lot brighter around here. Hope you come back :)