Anhedonia

I should be getting out of bed. I should be exercising...showering...getting ready for the big weekly trip to Walmart (woo-hoo). But I can't talk myself into it. I was thinking this morning...trying to recall the last day that I had any anticipation for the day to come.

I can't recall one in as long as I can remember.

Is that depression? Is it schizophrenia? (Anhedonia just bites). Or is it just a REALLY boring life?

Pain makes everything hard. It makes me not want to get up in the morning. It sucks the enjoyment out of anything that maybe I might want to do.

I just do what I need to do - but just barely. I even sleep in my clothes and sometimes don't bother changing the next day either (gross huh?). I'm online ALL the time. My house is neglected. Cooking is neglected (okay, non-existent). I know that I need to get back into eating healthfully. It's true that when I was a raw vegan, all my focus and time was spent on preparing food and buying it...and I knew that was wrong...But is it any more wrong than what I'm doing (OKay, NOT doing) now??

I miss praying intensely -- like I used to ....and I wonder, was that a manifestation of the manic phase I was entering into then? And why do I find it SO hard to pray now?? I know why...it's because I can't concentrate on anything, especially anything which is so completely carried on mentally...

I don't want to come across as defeated or as a "downer"...but sometimes I feel like I'm running around doing everything possible to avoid admitting these feelings. Like if I look at them or admit them, they will overwhelm me....again. So I pretend they don't exist. I smile...I laugh (occasionally when in public but very rarely otherwise) and I ignore the fact that my life really is not very easy, pleasurable, or useful...

I think of the schooling program I am going to be beginning. Will that help by giving me a focus and maybe by changing my life for the better? Or will it just frustrate me and be another burdensome thing I 'SHOULD' be doing but can't?
I can't really work up much enthusiasm for the career that will maybe follow the schooling. I mainly want to go to the school for my own personal information and knowledge...not so much to work afterward....But I know that OVR will want me to work, after they've invested all that money in my training. And who knows? Maybe if I do, my interest will be piqued and I'll enjoy it...at least I'll have a reason to get up in the morning. Or maybe I'll be overwhelmed and fall apart....I'd say the chances of the latter are at least as good as those of the former.

Maybe I should just stop projecting and being negative and just go downstairs and exercise so hard that I can't think of anything else? At least then I'll have ONE thing to feel good about today.