Hear my cry, oh Adonai

Well, it's been a week, so you would think that things have gotten easier, right? Like I still wouldn't shush my husband when we are speaking loudly near my daughter's closed door...as if we might wake her.
Like I wouldn't jump out of bed and sign onto YM and wait.....for what? for whom? Sometimes I am graced by a few minutes from my daughter (but not at that hour), or I talk to my friend in the Philippines, which is sometimes made difficult by the 12 hour time difference,... but Hey, if you don't sleep at night, it works out fine ...

I am afraid to tell you of the events of the past couple of days. I am ashamed and somewhat confused by them.
My physical pain has been horrific. Sometimes requiring repeats of the oxycontin which the MDs have prescribed to control it. And sometimes even that doesn't work.
Evidently the other night, while conversing online with my daughter, I was in brutal pain and took some medicine. Waited and it went unabated...took some more...I'm not sure what happened at this point. I have a vague, foggy memory of pouring out a small handfull of the pills and thinking "what the heck?" and swallowing them....
My pain got a little better, I said good night to my daughter and went to bed...Woke up the next morning and readied myself for a trip to my md to discuss the recent sleep study I had.
Well, in the car on the way there, those pills finally hit. I began to talk nonsense, fall over side ways, and drop everything in my hands.

My ride, poor lady, was terrified and drove with one hand, holding me upright with the other. We somehow got into the doctor's office where they took one look at me and took me right in. Then I don't remember anything else...But 911 was called. and in the ambulance I was filled up with Narcan which woke me a little but I was vehement in my protest that I'd taken nothing...that day...and I didn't remember then about taking it the night before. My daughter reminded me of that later.

So a day or two in the hospital...all lost in a great fog. Came home and spent the next two days still in a fog and sleeping. Now am awake enough again to be embarrassed, chagrined, and disappointed. And awake enough now to feel all the pain of my losses as though they were brand new.

My thinking? Still having some hallucinations...voices ....various things fleeting by my sights...today I am going to the mall with my husband and he is leaving me there for several hours while he goes back to do some work. I haven't yet told him that I am not very optimistic about this idea. Pain and paranoia do not make good bedfellows in crowded malls. But I don't want to stay at home in this lonely empty house either.

"Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry, 'my Adonia'....Oh my Adonai."
Where are you Lord? I know you're here, but I could really do with some reassurance on that point.