SZ and Me

Because I have been stable for a long time, the temptation for people is to forget that I have schizophrenia and then once in a while when I do or say something odd or "not quite normal"  they are blindsided and wonder where the heck that came from.  The truth is, however, that I am almost constantly aware of it.  I battle symptoms daily and often hourly.  And usually, that is my secret.  But there are days, when, like yesterday. I got up three or four times from my recliner and hobbled to the kitchen to see who was at the door or who it was talking to my husband in the living room....and uhhhh, there was no one there---except my husband when I come out. While things like that aggravate him, he has an "almost normal" wife. Considering who I was ten years ago, I would say he ought to praise God that the only symptom he can see, is something so nominal.

But what about the symptoms that he cannot see?  The things like "movies" which are visual hallucinations that constantly interrupt my thoughts or hinder my ability to focus on what is right in front of me in "real life."  Or the paranoia that others find so strange or annoying or incomprehensible.   This manifests itself with every computer idiosyncrasy or anomaly that makes me so very terrified that I am being spied on. And when I installed AVAST yesterday on my Android it reports to my terror, with the warning "YOU ARE BEING WATCHED"....Now I know that that probably means that there is a cookie present or that AVAST wants me to spend more money and buy greater protection....but it really freaks me out. Terrorizes me might be a more accurate way to put it.

I struggle with relationships like with some pastor friends who have been blessings to  me but who have also been impacted by some of my paranoid ideas....and to their credit they did not head for the hills but were patient and understanding--knowing that I am mentally ill and not gotten too upset about it.

There are times when I am emotional or under stress when I make a complete idiot of myself and do not in any way make sense---like at my mom's funeral. The memory of that makes me burn in shame.  But it was what it was and hopefully the people crowded into that large church could understand that I was not speaking from a sound mind at the time.

There are other private symptoms that only I am aware of...like my tendency to look at something...like the clothes hanging in my closet---and see demon faces leering out at me. This happens constantly almost in every minute as I survey whatever my surrounds present to me: in patterns on the fabric of my clothes or in the bark of trees....or in my serving of mashed potatoes.

So yes...people might look at me as slightly weird, but otherwise normal...but the fact is---and this fact I put a lot of energy into keeping hidden--that I have a serious disease of the brain and the treatments for which (ECT and medications) have wrecked my memory and capacity to recall. They have demolished this once great intellect and given me the brain of someone who is average or even "slow".

I don't know why God has chosen to put me on this path...maybe to slay my pride and self-reliance. Now I must rely on him because it is guaranteed that if I rely on myself, things will get badly messed up.  I know that there are qualities more admirable than intelligence and i  probably was lacking in those respects.  I would hope at this point that humility is not far behind.  And Patience and love for others.  Respect, concern, --any others? I think you get the point.  Remember that old song? "Have Thine own way Lord, have thine own way.  Thou art the potter, I am the clay.  Mold me and make me after Thy will, while I am waiting, yielded and still."