Well, it turns out that the "controversy" with my friend from my church, was really one that was created by my stupid, sick brain that totally misinterpreted what this man spoke over me in prayer. My pastor and I have had several conversations and he has also spoken to my friend who prayed for me, just to clarify what exactly the man meant by his prayer. I am embarrassed and very annoyed with myself. So I have apologized to this man because the whole ordeal caused him and his wife much pain. He graciously forgave me and told me that he prays for me daily. It is very embarrassing to have screwed up so badly.
My pastor also pointed out something to me....there were numerous prayers that night and conversations, all of which pointed to my gifting as a intercessor...and I blew right by that wonderful thing and instead got embroiled in the above-mentioned misunderstanding. The truth is that I have known for some years now, (maybe 15) that God has blessed me with this gift and calling. For some years I was walking in the power of that gift and in intimacy with the Lord. But then came that psychotic episode that knocked me over flat and I fully believe that this event in my life was a strategy of satan because I was walking all over his plans in numerous lives and events. He wanted to stop me in my tracks, and I am very sad to say, that his plan worked.
For about 5 years I was in and out of the hospital- both psychiatric and medical. During that time I almost died from meningitis and encephalitis. The enemy was determined that I should be silenced. I also had ECT during that time Both the infection in my brain and the shock therapy did damage to my brain.
When I returned to church after a long absence, I was hesitant in prayer and stumbled awkwardly over my words and struggled to get my thoughts together. I kept trying though. I re-joined the prayer team at church and prayed with people during the services and following the services as people came up for prayer.
Although I am very rarely in church these days (Mornings are my worst time pain wise and it is very hard for me to get ready and go to a morning service), I have been attending and participating in "Refuel" our midweek prayer gathering. It was there that the whole debacle mentioned above occured. But that night, there was also, I feel, a recognition of my gifting as an intercessor...It was a re-commissioning...it was
God restoring me to his army of pray-ers. I don't know how people understood or recognized my gift because I still am lacking in my former eloquence but i think it must have been God opening people's eyes to the fact that God is ready once again, to use me.
How like the enemy, to jump into the middle of something as wonderful as that to try to sow seeds of discord among his Body! I almost MISSED this message from God to me!
In former years I used to spend entire nights on my face on the floor before God's throne in intense prayer. I have a long way to go before I am able to do that again. I cannot focus for that long. And my body will not allow me to lay on the floor but maybe I should try because put me in bed or on my recliner, and sleep puts an end to it. I used to pray while I walked several miles a day here in our neighborhood...but now cannot walk even a couple of feet without severe pain. So maybe the Lord will have to either make known to me how and where to pray or maybe simply to work with shorter spans of time and fewer words from me. He will make a way and will show me how to walk in it. I know that while I may not have the stamina, the eloquence or the zeal that I once had, God is not put off by that. He will use and hear and answer every offering I speak to him. A week ago Wednesday, God was trying to get through to me and let me know that I am back in the ranks of his prayer army. I mentioned this to my dad and he started laughing and said that he had a picture of satan, hearing my prayers and cursing "%$^# --She's back!"
My pastor also pointed out something to me....there were numerous prayers that night and conversations, all of which pointed to my gifting as a intercessor...and I blew right by that wonderful thing and instead got embroiled in the above-mentioned misunderstanding. The truth is that I have known for some years now, (maybe 15) that God has blessed me with this gift and calling. For some years I was walking in the power of that gift and in intimacy with the Lord. But then came that psychotic episode that knocked me over flat and I fully believe that this event in my life was a strategy of satan because I was walking all over his plans in numerous lives and events. He wanted to stop me in my tracks, and I am very sad to say, that his plan worked.
For about 5 years I was in and out of the hospital- both psychiatric and medical. During that time I almost died from meningitis and encephalitis. The enemy was determined that I should be silenced. I also had ECT during that time Both the infection in my brain and the shock therapy did damage to my brain.
When I returned to church after a long absence, I was hesitant in prayer and stumbled awkwardly over my words and struggled to get my thoughts together. I kept trying though. I re-joined the prayer team at church and prayed with people during the services and following the services as people came up for prayer.
Although I am very rarely in church these days (Mornings are my worst time pain wise and it is very hard for me to get ready and go to a morning service), I have been attending and participating in "Refuel" our midweek prayer gathering. It was there that the whole debacle mentioned above occured. But that night, there was also, I feel, a recognition of my gifting as an intercessor...It was a re-commissioning...it was
God restoring me to his army of pray-ers. I don't know how people understood or recognized my gift because I still am lacking in my former eloquence but i think it must have been God opening people's eyes to the fact that God is ready once again, to use me.
How like the enemy, to jump into the middle of something as wonderful as that to try to sow seeds of discord among his Body! I almost MISSED this message from God to me!
In former years I used to spend entire nights on my face on the floor before God's throne in intense prayer. I have a long way to go before I am able to do that again. I cannot focus for that long. And my body will not allow me to lay on the floor but maybe I should try because put me in bed or on my recliner, and sleep puts an end to it. I used to pray while I walked several miles a day here in our neighborhood...but now cannot walk even a couple of feet without severe pain. So maybe the Lord will have to either make known to me how and where to pray or maybe simply to work with shorter spans of time and fewer words from me. He will make a way and will show me how to walk in it. I know that while I may not have the stamina, the eloquence or the zeal that I once had, God is not put off by that. He will use and hear and answer every offering I speak to him. A week ago Wednesday, God was trying to get through to me and let me know that I am back in the ranks of his prayer army. I mentioned this to my dad and he started laughing and said that he had a picture of satan, hearing my prayers and cursing "%$^# --She's back!"
3 comments:
This was beautifully written, my friend. And oh, how like God, to bring us to repentance, and so like His people, to forgive with the forgiveness He has given us. Praise God for those He put in your path to help you understand all of this and to make things right - don't beat yourself us - we've all been there! Go forth now, with the forgiveness you've been given, and be that intercessor He has created you to be!!Love you, love your heart
lol that comment was from me, Cynthia - it's Kate
Thank you, Kate, for your perceptive and loving comment. Good to know that i'm not the only one to have ever had a pie in my face. :)
Love you,my sweet friend!
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