I hit the "New Post" button.....and with a lump in my throat I write this first sentence. Yesterday was my birthday. My dad took my daughter and me out to eat and for an hour or two we shared laughter and love. . Christmas however will be just my dad and I and maybe a DiGiorno pizza. Because I love my dad and love being with him it will be ok. But the fact that life is passing both of us by (for me more than him) is sometimes hard to ignore. Family is diminishing. Scattering. Fracturing. And we are left with shoe boxes of photos and empty seats at the table.
I just really feel that God is letting me see really how little there is left in this world for me. And really? That's ok. Because not only is life letting go of me; I am letting go of it. Have you seen this phrase anywhere? "Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest"---funny. But serious too. There is very little keeping me in this world. My attachments are being, one by one, severed. I have been struggling with despair. Now that is a hard thing for a Christian woman who passionately loves the LOrd, to confess. My despair is not in or about God. He is the author of my hope. My anchor, My Rock, my High Tower. I do not know what is around the corner...but there is a very good chance that it is not much that is good. My family and my friends are mostly all elderly and they will not be here forever. And with my health the way it is, it is conceivable that things could turn ugly really fast.
Now I realize that depression is one aspect of my mental health diagnosis. And it could be depression speaking. But I don't really think so. I do not feel sad. The despair I feel is not about my eternal future, it's about my earthly participation and purpose. Joni talks about how every life has a purpose in God's eyes and even the most alienated, disabled person, by the very fact that they were created in the image of God, have value and dignity. And while that is nice to think that, it doesn't always jive with our experience. Pain is the dark horse. Pain is the thief, the Destroyer.
I have a shoulder replacement that was botched by an incompetent doctor and is now in worse shape than it was in before. I have a fused ankle that has hurt for the past 3.5 years since i had it fused. I don't mean "little hurt" ----I mean, "step down and scream".... I have a hip that has dislocated 7 times and been operated on 3 or 4 times. And I had many, many lumbar spine surgeries some of which were botched and left me in all kinds of hell. So you see, that is why you don't see me being wheeled in and out of surgery. I have major disillusionment about surgeries and doctors.
I don't have any answers---except that in God's Kingdom, all will be well. All that is wrong will be made right. As to whether or not my family will be there is up to God, and really--up to them. I pray they will make some right decisions. I have prayed that for years. Heaven is more and more a reality to me. For me, Earth is just pain and heartache. I have had enough of it. I hope that you can see that this post is not only about pain and despair...but about a future that is bright with promise and beauty and joy. Not about abandonment but about connection and fulfillment and Love. Really that is it: LOVE. It will outlive Hope and Faith. Love will last forever. And forever I will be with my Father and with my heavenly King ---and my Bridegroom. And finally, I will have the love that I crave. The Love that builds up rather than the hate that destroys.
MARANATHA--- EVEN SO COME, LORD JESUS
I just really feel that God is letting me see really how little there is left in this world for me. And really? That's ok. Because not only is life letting go of me; I am letting go of it. Have you seen this phrase anywhere? "Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest"---funny. But serious too. There is very little keeping me in this world. My attachments are being, one by one, severed. I have been struggling with despair. Now that is a hard thing for a Christian woman who passionately loves the LOrd, to confess. My despair is not in or about God. He is the author of my hope. My anchor, My Rock, my High Tower. I do not know what is around the corner...but there is a very good chance that it is not much that is good. My family and my friends are mostly all elderly and they will not be here forever. And with my health the way it is, it is conceivable that things could turn ugly really fast.
Now I realize that depression is one aspect of my mental health diagnosis. And it could be depression speaking. But I don't really think so. I do not feel sad. The despair I feel is not about my eternal future, it's about my earthly participation and purpose. Joni talks about how every life has a purpose in God's eyes and even the most alienated, disabled person, by the very fact that they were created in the image of God, have value and dignity. And while that is nice to think that, it doesn't always jive with our experience. Pain is the dark horse. Pain is the thief, the Destroyer.
I have a shoulder replacement that was botched by an incompetent doctor and is now in worse shape than it was in before. I have a fused ankle that has hurt for the past 3.5 years since i had it fused. I don't mean "little hurt" ----I mean, "step down and scream".... I have a hip that has dislocated 7 times and been operated on 3 or 4 times. And I had many, many lumbar spine surgeries some of which were botched and left me in all kinds of hell. So you see, that is why you don't see me being wheeled in and out of surgery. I have major disillusionment about surgeries and doctors.
I don't have any answers---except that in God's Kingdom, all will be well. All that is wrong will be made right. As to whether or not my family will be there is up to God, and really--up to them. I pray they will make some right decisions. I have prayed that for years. Heaven is more and more a reality to me. For me, Earth is just pain and heartache. I have had enough of it. I hope that you can see that this post is not only about pain and despair...but about a future that is bright with promise and beauty and joy. Not about abandonment but about connection and fulfillment and Love. Really that is it: LOVE. It will outlive Hope and Faith. Love will last forever. And forever I will be with my Father and with my heavenly King ---and my Bridegroom. And finally, I will have the love that I crave. The Love that builds up rather than the hate that destroys.
2 comments:
Beautifully written, my friend, from a heart that loves the Lord.
Our faith is our ticket into heaven, our hope is what keeps us going until we see Jesus face to face when we will be in His precious LOVE forever and love will be all we need and we will have it forever
Thank you Kate for your thought-full comment. I love your take on Faith, Hope and Love.
Blessings.
c
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