It has been a rough couple of weeks. I have not posted because I just was feeling low. So low that, not only didn't I have anything to share with you, I felt that to write would have been detrimental to my readers. Why the low? Well it started with me making the mistake of looking beyond today and staring down my future and it was like looking down the barrel of a shot gun. I thought over the progression of this illness, even just in the past few months, and I was forced to acknowledge that my future does not look like a place I want to go. My back and neck hurt now....badly...but the future there involves paralysis and unimaginable pain. I have severe spinal stenosis (among other things) and also arthritis in the openings in my vertebra (facets) which are closing down and putting pressure on the nerves which carry signals from my spinal cord to the rest of my body, That means that soon the nerves will be pinched off and unable to function. Those of you who have experienced "pinched nerves" can attest to how much that hurts. Well imagine that pinching off was coming from every single nerve coming from your entire spinal column.
That's one thing...and the problems I have in my ankles and hands, and deformity in my feet also, make it clear that my functioning at every level is going to be increasingly impeded. It is inevitable that I will need housing where I will receive care and assistance in my daily activities. (ie; a nursing home) and who wants that while they are in their 50's? And the grim truth is that I do not have the financial freedom to pay for that....so I'm looking at finding someplace that accepts Medicaid -- and these places are not the nicest place in the world..
So there's that.
And the question came to me, as I pondered these dark things, these grim things, that I had to ask myself "why am I here?" What is God thinking regarding my purpose on this earth? And honestly, friends, I was in such a dark place that I felt that there was no good answer to those questions.
On Wednesday evening, I went to prayer meeting and it lasted for three hours. I love it that there was so much participation and so much intercession but it did me in. For the last hour of the meeting I was just in completely blinding pain. And then followed the rest of the week in pain, pain so bad that I could barely leave my bed to get into my recliner. And for the first time, my recliner hurt me too much to even tolerate sitting there so I was in bed for the next few days with the exception of going to a medical appointment. And not only that, but the RA has also attacked the right -side joint in my jaw so that I have severe pain there and am almost unable to eat at all. It has dislocated once and I don't want that to happen again. Numerous times, it has "caught" and threatened to dislocate and that alone is very painful.
Next week I have three medical appointments to which I will be going in the county bus. If there are a few people other than myself riding, then that means it will turn into all-day journeys and very bad pain. And on Tuesday I need to go to Walmart and pick up a grocery order then bring it home to put away. (thank you Ralph, for helping me to do that!) That leaves only Thursday free. I know that barring a miracle from God, it will be a week from hell in what I will have to endure. I'm staying in bed Friday (yesterday), today and Sunday--to try to recover enough from this current high level of pain --so that I don't begin the next week at a deficit of strength and endurance.
So that is where I was at; hurting and despairing. My dad asked "Is there a name for justified depression?" and I said "It's called 'situational depression' " And yes, there are very good (humanly speaking) reasons for me to feel hopeless. But the thing is, I do not have to speak from a human perspective because I am also a spiritual being--one that God has called to life and endowed with purpose--and this purpose is not only defined by what I can do or accomplish. It is a purpose that means that my heart is not only beating to keep me alive--it is beating for Him. My organs all are functioning in response to His calling. God has made me and said "it is good"--and whether I serve God as a healthy body or a sick one, it is still "good" because that is what God has proclaimed it to be.
Yesterday God allowed me to minister, via Facebook chat, to a hurting person who is struggling with real temptation and feeling isolated and cut off from God. I was moved by her need and so even after we ended the conversation, my spirit was interceding for her for the rest of the day. And last evening one of my other FB friends, posted a link which was entitled "5 Ways Helping Others is Good for Alleviating Depression" (or something to that effect) and it just struck me so forcefully that, even if I have a conversation like that once a week--or month, or year--that validates me as having a purpose; of being able to do something meaningful, for others and for God. And it will help me in return.
God has also convicted me for spending too much time online, just being present and participating by commenting and sometimes posting. There is a good reason to post...and to converse...but it certainly does not need to go on for 18 hours a day. There is certainly even greater reason for me to sign off and converse with God. So that is my new initiative....less surfing and more prayer.
God knows what we need.
God knows what we need--and it is sometimes not what we think we need, but something higher and better by far.
That's one thing...and the problems I have in my ankles and hands, and deformity in my feet also, make it clear that my functioning at every level is going to be increasingly impeded. It is inevitable that I will need housing where I will receive care and assistance in my daily activities. (ie; a nursing home) and who wants that while they are in their 50's? And the grim truth is that I do not have the financial freedom to pay for that....so I'm looking at finding someplace that accepts Medicaid -- and these places are not the nicest place in the world..
So there's that.
And the question came to me, as I pondered these dark things, these grim things, that I had to ask myself "why am I here?" What is God thinking regarding my purpose on this earth? And honestly, friends, I was in such a dark place that I felt that there was no good answer to those questions.
On Wednesday evening, I went to prayer meeting and it lasted for three hours. I love it that there was so much participation and so much intercession but it did me in. For the last hour of the meeting I was just in completely blinding pain. And then followed the rest of the week in pain, pain so bad that I could barely leave my bed to get into my recliner. And for the first time, my recliner hurt me too much to even tolerate sitting there so I was in bed for the next few days with the exception of going to a medical appointment. And not only that, but the RA has also attacked the right -side joint in my jaw so that I have severe pain there and am almost unable to eat at all. It has dislocated once and I don't want that to happen again. Numerous times, it has "caught" and threatened to dislocate and that alone is very painful.
Next week I have three medical appointments to which I will be going in the county bus. If there are a few people other than myself riding, then that means it will turn into all-day journeys and very bad pain. And on Tuesday I need to go to Walmart and pick up a grocery order then bring it home to put away. (thank you Ralph, for helping me to do that!) That leaves only Thursday free. I know that barring a miracle from God, it will be a week from hell in what I will have to endure. I'm staying in bed Friday (yesterday), today and Sunday--to try to recover enough from this current high level of pain --so that I don't begin the next week at a deficit of strength and endurance.
So that is where I was at; hurting and despairing. My dad asked "Is there a name for justified depression?" and I said "It's called 'situational depression' " And yes, there are very good (humanly speaking) reasons for me to feel hopeless. But the thing is, I do not have to speak from a human perspective because I am also a spiritual being--one that God has called to life and endowed with purpose--and this purpose is not only defined by what I can do or accomplish. It is a purpose that means that my heart is not only beating to keep me alive--it is beating for Him. My organs all are functioning in response to His calling. God has made me and said "it is good"--and whether I serve God as a healthy body or a sick one, it is still "good" because that is what God has proclaimed it to be.
Yesterday God allowed me to minister, via Facebook chat, to a hurting person who is struggling with real temptation and feeling isolated and cut off from God. I was moved by her need and so even after we ended the conversation, my spirit was interceding for her for the rest of the day. And last evening one of my other FB friends, posted a link which was entitled "5 Ways Helping Others is Good for Alleviating Depression" (or something to that effect) and it just struck me so forcefully that, even if I have a conversation like that once a week--or month, or year--that validates me as having a purpose; of being able to do something meaningful, for others and for God. And it will help me in return.
God has also convicted me for spending too much time online, just being present and participating by commenting and sometimes posting. There is a good reason to post...and to converse...but it certainly does not need to go on for 18 hours a day. There is certainly even greater reason for me to sign off and converse with God. So that is my new initiative....less surfing and more prayer.
God knows what we need.
God knows what we need--and it is sometimes not what we think we need, but something higher and better by far.
No comments:
Post a Comment