I have been having some bad trouble with short term memory. Yesterday I had a meeting with my case worker and she was going through this questionnaire that must be done every six months. She would read me the question and I would launch into my response and when it came time to rate the question on a scale, invariably I would forget the question and need for her to re-read it to me. This was not once or twice....It was throughout the whole rating procedure of about 20-30 items!
Once, after having had about 15 bilateral treatments of ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), I was in the car and my dad was driving me the 2 or 3 hours to get to the hospital and I was struggling to converse with him. I was struggling because the ECT did severe cognitive damage and was, in fact, cut "short" as it became apparent that I now had the brain of a chipmunk. I said to my dad, "It's a good thing I started out as a genius!" This was no idle boast. I had an IQ in the 160's when I was young and between schizophrenia, anti-psychotic medication, and ECT, my intelligence has been greatly reduced. And had I not started out with this high IQ, I would definitely be in bad, bad shape. I would say now my IQ is low/normal. And that is a hard thing to endure. Just as the eye drops I take for glaucoma, have changed my electric blue eyes to muddy gray (and God humbled me in that), God also removed my intelligence --another thing I relied on and was proud of.
My whole life I have been "exceptional"--and I do not say that to brag. But I was a 4.0 student in college, even while struggling with the early stages of a brain disease that would leave me exceptionally ill rather than exceptionally smart. And then came steroids in my late 30's and, as many of you know, for every bout of them I endured, I gained 20-40 lbs. All my life I was very thin and now there was an overweight, red-faced person looking at me in the mirror. So my life ever since that time has been a battle with my weight. And then RA/PsA came along and robbed me of independence and strength and physical fitness.
You see? God, my Spiritual Surgeon took his sharp scalpel and removed these "cancerous" areas of pride that I had, leaving me in a very hard-to-endure state. Why? Because God hates pride. He hates a spirit who thinks she is inviolable and not dependent on him. This passage just came to my mind:
[1Pe 1:7 NLT]
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
You see, life does not consist of blue eyes, perfect SAT scores, a beautiful singing voice, talent as an artist or svelte body....these things will all burn up in the end....all that we will have when we stand before the Lord in His kingdom, will be our faith. Will it survive the fire? In the passage above as also in James 1, it is TRIALS, TESTS, and TEMPTATIONS that make our faith strong and real and pleasing to God. So do not whine when you are under the weight or pressure of these things. They are working for you "an opportunity for great joy." (Jas. 1:2-3)
Once, after having had about 15 bilateral treatments of ECT (electro-convulsive therapy), I was in the car and my dad was driving me the 2 or 3 hours to get to the hospital and I was struggling to converse with him. I was struggling because the ECT did severe cognitive damage and was, in fact, cut "short" as it became apparent that I now had the brain of a chipmunk. I said to my dad, "It's a good thing I started out as a genius!" This was no idle boast. I had an IQ in the 160's when I was young and between schizophrenia, anti-psychotic medication, and ECT, my intelligence has been greatly reduced. And had I not started out with this high IQ, I would definitely be in bad, bad shape. I would say now my IQ is low/normal. And that is a hard thing to endure. Just as the eye drops I take for glaucoma, have changed my electric blue eyes to muddy gray (and God humbled me in that), God also removed my intelligence --another thing I relied on and was proud of.
My whole life I have been "exceptional"--and I do not say that to brag. But I was a 4.0 student in college, even while struggling with the early stages of a brain disease that would leave me exceptionally ill rather than exceptionally smart. And then came steroids in my late 30's and, as many of you know, for every bout of them I endured, I gained 20-40 lbs. All my life I was very thin and now there was an overweight, red-faced person looking at me in the mirror. So my life ever since that time has been a battle with my weight. And then RA/PsA came along and robbed me of independence and strength and physical fitness.
You see? God, my Spiritual Surgeon took his sharp scalpel and removed these "cancerous" areas of pride that I had, leaving me in a very hard-to-endure state. Why? Because God hates pride. He hates a spirit who thinks she is inviolable and not dependent on him. This passage just came to my mind:
[1Pe 1:7 NLT]
These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
You see, life does not consist of blue eyes, perfect SAT scores, a beautiful singing voice, talent as an artist or svelte body....these things will all burn up in the end....all that we will have when we stand before the Lord in His kingdom, will be our faith. Will it survive the fire? In the passage above as also in James 1, it is TRIALS, TESTS, and TEMPTATIONS that make our faith strong and real and pleasing to God. So do not whine when you are under the weight or pressure of these things. They are working for you "an opportunity for great joy." (Jas. 1:2-3)
4 comments:
Well written from a heart clinging to her Savior!!!!
Thank you for visiting, reading,and commenting with such an encouraging remark. God bless your day!
Cynthia....you will remain exceptional all of your life. There is no sin in being exceptional from my point of view. Circumstances--horrific as they were/are-- happened. They had nothing to do with you as a person. Your fight, your tenacity, your resourcefulness, your immense tolerance, faith and courage are exceptional. You were born special and will always be viewed as exceptional to everyone who has followed your story. Yours is a life few have to endure. You have made it this far. I know in my heart that you will find the strength and courage to face whatever is ahead. You are forever exceptional in all the ways that matter. Keep believing in yourself Cynthia. I do.
Dear "anonymous"
your comment brought me to tears. Thank you. "exceptional in all the ways that matter"...Amen. That is all I can ask of this life.
Post a Comment