The Drug that Saved Me

 "There's a Light you don't notice, 'til you're standing in the dark" 

God's not Done with you.  Tauren Wells

Yesterday and for the two days prior I was in what might be understated to be called "a funk"  It was terrifying for me.  Beginning when I was 19 (and actually for several of my teen years) I suffered from severe depression.  It lasted until my mid 30s---when it went undercover.  Then re-emerged in approximately 2006 when I was 45.   I tried 4 times (lifetime total) to kill myself and came very, very close to succeeding.

I can' t describe those years to you except with one word:  Black. In fact I only wore black.  I did not own a stitch of clothing in any other color.   I wanted nothing but to cease to exist.  I had no hope for the future.  And one of the worst parts was that I stopped sleeping.  Beginning in the second semester of my freshman year, I was unable to  sleep.  And that went on ..FOR YEARS.  I'm talking an hour or less every night, with most nights spent without even that grace of one hour.  Sleeping pills did not work.  And let me tell you, when your mind is in agony, not to have a single minute of respite, day after interminable day, is a hell you can't even begin to imagine.

I've spent a lot of time being psychotic and it is hell...but honestly, I would rather be psychotic than depressed.  So when the curtain was closed to the windows of my soul three days ago, I met it with terror.  I did not sleep for two nights.  And  then came the "Aha!!"  I remembered that a few days earlier, I dropped my pill dispenser case and out fell two pills.  My husband is the one who fills the med container, so  I am not familiar with which pills are which.  Don't ask me why, but I didn't consult with him to find out what pills these were. I just assumed that no one of my pills was  important enough or critical enough for me not to want to ever miss a day.  So I threw them out.

You've guessed it already, haven't you??? Yep. They were Wellbutrin.  Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that has saved my life. I had tried probably every other available antidepressant without success. All they did was to make me fat. Which depressed me more.  But Wellbutrin opened the blinds and pulled the curtain and opened the windows to my musty soul. (If you look carefully at the photo you can see that the name of the drug is printed right on the pill...so if I had only put on my glasses, this whole disaster could have been averted.)

So yes, I nailed the reason for my mini - relapse.  But it is taking awhile to come back in full effectiveness.  I slept last night from 7:00 PM to 2:00 AM which wasn't ideal but it was a lot better than no sleep whatsoever.

I wish I could paint a word picture so you could get a taste of what severe depression is like.  But really there are no words potent enough to describe it. There are no words terrifying enough.  I mean, maybe Stephen King could do it, but  I can't.  All I can tell you is that you NEVER want to experience it firsthand.  Today I am thanking God for the miracle of Wellbutrin and asking God to bless the chemist who invented it.  Without it--my life is not worth a pile of dog poo.  Needless to say, from this day henceforth, I will be checking my pills every morning to make certain that badboy is there waiting to work its wonders.