I am really struggling this AM. I woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders....and the weight of my cat on my head. And things have gone downhill from there.
I was posting a status on Facebook and was choosing from the "feeling" list. I chose "Down" but the word "Grateful" caught my eye and I felt the whisper of the Spirit in my ear telling me THAT is what I need.
So in my status I mentioned that I wish I was "anywhere but here"---but that isn't really true. I could be living on the street without a comfortable bed or recliner. I could be in worse pain than I am now. I could be living with serious abuse.. I could have recently lost a loved one. Those are the worse things. What are the good things? My family. My home. This new medicine that I am on that is helping my pain. Food to eat and clean water to drink. For medical care. For friends. The internet where I have met many wonderful people and my tech stuff that lets me keep in touch with them.. My church (these things are not in order of importance obviously.) Chocolate (one of God's nicest gifts), Books in abundance. My earthly father who loves me and encourages me.
I am grateful that any time, any place--I have the ear of the One who created all things and loves me inexpressibly. That God has granted me enough that I can share with and help those with less. That God is not finished with me yet. That He loves me despite my stinky mood and attitude and the ten thousand times I have messed up and fallen flat on my face. That I know I will see my Mom again someday and my other friends and relatives who were believers and now are in Heaven.. That, one day, Pain will no longer be in the picture. .Most importantly: my Lord who suffered the unimaginable so that I don't have to suffer it for eternity.....who loves me and has great things planned for me to enjoy forever.
I could go on, and I know there are things I have skipped...but the point is that my list of blessings far outweighs my list of complaints. While I do not really feel gleeful, I am ashamed of myself for my self pity when truly I do not have any real reason for it. And even if I did--there are people, people I know and love=who have it worse than I do. God has been very good to me, when in truth, I did not deserve an ounce of his favor.
I know I have friends who will say that I should not have to blame myself for feeling sad or down...that it is not healthy to deny that those feelings exist. I do know that. As a person who has suffered from major clinical depression for most of my life, I do know that it is not accurate to believe that simply making a list of happy things, will eradicate the effects of brain chemicals or difficult life events or grief. These feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged and dealt with. I do know that. But I also know that when you are focusing a camera, when you focus on things far away, the things in the foreground become blurred and less predominant. So too, feelings largely depend on focus. Being grateful for the good things does not erase the bad things, but it does loosen the choke-hold they have on my emotions.
I know people like to pretend their lives are perfect and that they are always happy in their online persona...and they may not appreciate my "being real"...I know that there are people who are deeply unhappy and I believe I am not doing anyone any favors by acting like I never struggle. I just hope that somehow -- if you are one of those people -- that maybe I have lit a candle in your darkness. Remember to focus on the God who adores you....and not on those who have hurt you. It does help.
I was posting a status on Facebook and was choosing from the "feeling" list. I chose "Down" but the word "Grateful" caught my eye and I felt the whisper of the Spirit in my ear telling me THAT is what I need.
So in my status I mentioned that I wish I was "anywhere but here"---but that isn't really true. I could be living on the street without a comfortable bed or recliner. I could be in worse pain than I am now. I could be living with serious abuse.. I could have recently lost a loved one. Those are the worse things. What are the good things? My family. My home. This new medicine that I am on that is helping my pain. Food to eat and clean water to drink. For medical care. For friends. The internet where I have met many wonderful people and my tech stuff that lets me keep in touch with them.. My church (these things are not in order of importance obviously.) Chocolate (one of God's nicest gifts), Books in abundance. My earthly father who loves me and encourages me.
I am grateful that any time, any place--I have the ear of the One who created all things and loves me inexpressibly. That God has granted me enough that I can share with and help those with less. That God is not finished with me yet. That He loves me despite my stinky mood and attitude and the ten thousand times I have messed up and fallen flat on my face. That I know I will see my Mom again someday and my other friends and relatives who were believers and now are in Heaven.. That, one day, Pain will no longer be in the picture. .Most importantly: my Lord who suffered the unimaginable so that I don't have to suffer it for eternity.....who loves me and has great things planned for me to enjoy forever.
I could go on, and I know there are things I have skipped...but the point is that my list of blessings far outweighs my list of complaints. While I do not really feel gleeful, I am ashamed of myself for my self pity when truly I do not have any real reason for it. And even if I did--there are people, people I know and love=who have it worse than I do. God has been very good to me, when in truth, I did not deserve an ounce of his favor.
I know I have friends who will say that I should not have to blame myself for feeling sad or down...that it is not healthy to deny that those feelings exist. I do know that. As a person who has suffered from major clinical depression for most of my life, I do know that it is not accurate to believe that simply making a list of happy things, will eradicate the effects of brain chemicals or difficult life events or grief. These feelings are valid and need to be acknowledged and dealt with. I do know that. But I also know that when you are focusing a camera, when you focus on things far away, the things in the foreground become blurred and less predominant. So too, feelings largely depend on focus. Being grateful for the good things does not erase the bad things, but it does loosen the choke-hold they have on my emotions.
I know people like to pretend their lives are perfect and that they are always happy in their online persona...and they may not appreciate my "being real"...I know that there are people who are deeply unhappy and I believe I am not doing anyone any favors by acting like I never struggle. I just hope that somehow -- if you are one of those people -- that maybe I have lit a candle in your darkness. Remember to focus on the God who adores you....and not on those who have hurt you. It does help.
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