Spring is here.....even though it snowed yesterday. I sit in my recliner. One season bleeds into another with very little to mark the passing. In years past, I would be busy planting plants and buying soil...readying for my herb garden and some flowers.
Now, the pots remain stacked on the screen porch. The garden plots around my yard are overgrown with moss and last year's leaves. I ask myself,
"How hard would it be to have a couple of plants?" And my honest answer to that question is a bleak one. If I cannot take the painful steps necessary to refill my water bottle in the kitchen, then I will not be out turning on the hose and watering the plants. That would mean an extra trip up and down the deck steps daily. Not going to happen.
The only thing I might do is have someone spade up the front garden and plant some mint in there and let it just grow itself. Hopefully it will be a summer with enough rainfall and sunlight to take off and maintain itself. I will trim some of it with which to make iced tea. I also need to get out there or have someone help by uncovering my hyacinth from the leaves atop it....so that it can bloom.
I come from a line of gardeners. My mom and dad had (have) beautiful yards and gardens. Dad's garden is a lot less elaborate now that mom is gone....but still beautiful none-the-less. Mom's grandfather was a botanist and he taught her a lot about gardening. And I learned from her watching her year after year tending to and designing her gardens.
I centered my interest on cultivating herbs and learning how to use them medicinally. I knew a lot about it and have a lot of books on the topic. However, when I had ECT in 2008-9 it eradicated from my memory most of that knowledge. I still remember or have re-learned some things...but now that I can no longer grow them and the health food stores where I bought dried herbs are defunct--there is little use for my knowledge.
Life spent in a recliner---even with the internet--- is limited and boring. Pain is tedious and confining. I do not often watch movies or TV but maybe I should start. I don't know....watching someone else's life just makes me aware of the emptiness of my own.
It is true that I have a lot of time to pray. And it is true that I do not take full advantage of that time. Sometimes I feel like a burden to certain people, for my neediness. Like to my dad for example. I write him numerous emails in a day and while he doesn't answer them all, he does send me notes here and there. Often they follow the same formula as the days before. And really, can I blame him? I love hearing about each detail of his day including what he had to eat.
And while my dad and maybe my friends and the rest of my family may be tired of hearing from me---GOD NEVER IS. And this just blows my mind. And I'm afraid that I do not live as though I believe that. I pray kind of like "Are you there God? it's me, Cynthia---again."
There is a popular music video out by Danny Gokey about a girl who left home and broke her father 's heart. She eventually returns running into his yard where he stands and looks at her like he cannot believe his eyes. Is she really home? And he stumbles blindly forward, arms stretched wide...and he engulfs her in his embrace, lifting her right up off the ground. I love this video..just the last minute of it. Because God is THAT HAPPY to see me, even if I pray 1000x a day.
I know that Thomas Merton and other contemplatives purport the importance of silence. And yeah, I get that. But you know I just love to talk to someone who loves me. I don't think God minds my garrulousness -- and I know for sure that he likes it a lot better than being ignored.
I often intercede for people and I have a reputation as being someone who is willing to pray for others. But you know maybe I just need to invite God to have a seat and talk to him for a while. Yes, sick people need healing. And yep, I need healing...but also I am lonely. And God has an answer for that too.
"How hard would it be to have a couple of plants?" And my honest answer to that question is a bleak one. If I cannot take the painful steps necessary to refill my water bottle in the kitchen, then I will not be out turning on the hose and watering the plants. That would mean an extra trip up and down the deck steps daily. Not going to happen.
The only thing I might do is have someone spade up the front garden and plant some mint in there and let it just grow itself. Hopefully it will be a summer with enough rainfall and sunlight to take off and maintain itself. I will trim some of it with which to make iced tea. I also need to get out there or have someone help by uncovering my hyacinth from the leaves atop it....so that it can bloom.
I come from a line of gardeners. My mom and dad had (have) beautiful yards and gardens. Dad's garden is a lot less elaborate now that mom is gone....but still beautiful none-the-less. Mom's grandfather was a botanist and he taught her a lot about gardening. And I learned from her watching her year after year tending to and designing her gardens.
I centered my interest on cultivating herbs and learning how to use them medicinally. I knew a lot about it and have a lot of books on the topic. However, when I had ECT in 2008-9 it eradicated from my memory most of that knowledge. I still remember or have re-learned some things...but now that I can no longer grow them and the health food stores where I bought dried herbs are defunct--there is little use for my knowledge.
Life spent in a recliner---even with the internet--- is limited and boring. Pain is tedious and confining. I do not often watch movies or TV but maybe I should start. I don't know....watching someone else's life just makes me aware of the emptiness of my own.
It is true that I have a lot of time to pray. And it is true that I do not take full advantage of that time. Sometimes I feel like a burden to certain people, for my neediness. Like to my dad for example. I write him numerous emails in a day and while he doesn't answer them all, he does send me notes here and there. Often they follow the same formula as the days before. And really, can I blame him? I love hearing about each detail of his day including what he had to eat.
And while my dad and maybe my friends and the rest of my family may be tired of hearing from me---GOD NEVER IS. And this just blows my mind. And I'm afraid that I do not live as though I believe that. I pray kind of like "Are you there God? it's me, Cynthia---again."
There is a popular music video out by Danny Gokey about a girl who left home and broke her father 's heart. She eventually returns running into his yard where he stands and looks at her like he cannot believe his eyes. Is she really home? And he stumbles blindly forward, arms stretched wide...and he engulfs her in his embrace, lifting her right up off the ground. I love this video..just the last minute of it. Because God is THAT HAPPY to see me, even if I pray 1000x a day.
I know that Thomas Merton and other contemplatives purport the importance of silence. And yeah, I get that. But you know I just love to talk to someone who loves me. I don't think God minds my garrulousness -- and I know for sure that he likes it a lot better than being ignored.
I often intercede for people and I have a reputation as being someone who is willing to pray for others. But you know maybe I just need to invite God to have a seat and talk to him for a while. Yes, sick people need healing. And yep, I need healing...but also I am lonely. And God has an answer for that too.
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