I have not been able to come up with anything to write that might be of interest which would not be too personal regarding the people in my life. SO I sit in silence and ask God just to get me through it.
To top it off, I have been in severe pain. I sit in my recliner in my room dying of thirst because I just can't face the pain it would cause me to go into the kitchen for some liquid refreshment.
I'm really tempted to throw kindness to the wind and just bare my soul...but I won't do that.
Last night at prayer meeting, the people there gathered around me and prayed for God to heal me. They asked me questions..."secret sin to confess?" "Childhood trauma?" Pride and fear in the way?
I was honest when I said my heart is clean before God as far as I know....When memory serves me a hot reminder of sin and failure, I repent, mourn it, and lay it at the cross. God promised that I am Blameless and went about ensuring that I proceeded on a path to a clean heart.
Pastor prayed passionately and emotionally for me. The other men poured out their hearts entreating for God to heal me. And there I sat, my neck spasming and cracking from the base of my skull down to my shoulder blades. When I wiggled my feet, testing it to see if the pain was gone, slivers of electric shards stabbed to let me know that no...pain was undiminished.
I went home disheartened. I was disappointed but almost worse, was the sense of my perceptions of their disappointment. There's nothing wrong with God.....so the fault must be mine. Somehow I'm holding out. Somehow I'm blocking and resisting God's working in me.
That would be fine...were it true. Because- a little honesty and a lot of repentance-- and I would be back on my rollerblades. Why wouldn't I make sure I am completely clean and innocent? But then there is a problem. If I am clean and cooperative--why has God not healed me.
Anyone who has studied the book of Job would that these same "blockages" were presumed by Job's friends. Secret Sin. Inadequate faith. Maybe God just wants me to depend on him so completely that I need his help to get to the kitchen and back to my room without cursing him and awaiting death.
Maybe he is just whetting my appetite for heaven. Granting me what Sheila Walsh called "Future Eyes"...but I think that Paul's words on the thorn in his flesh, came the closest to truth. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Dude. This illness is an honor. It is God telling me "You can do this...just hold tight to the handle bars and when you are steady, I will let go and you will fly. You bring me honor and delight. Every time you smile. Every time you pray and lean HARD on me, it gives Me Joy. When you think of others rather than yourself, it is adding to your eternal treasure. Don't give up,. Don't give way to discouragement. You've got this. And I've got you!"
To top it off, I have been in severe pain. I sit in my recliner in my room dying of thirst because I just can't face the pain it would cause me to go into the kitchen for some liquid refreshment.
I'm really tempted to throw kindness to the wind and just bare my soul...but I won't do that.
Last night at prayer meeting, the people there gathered around me and prayed for God to heal me. They asked me questions..."secret sin to confess?" "Childhood trauma?" Pride and fear in the way?
I was honest when I said my heart is clean before God as far as I know....When memory serves me a hot reminder of sin and failure, I repent, mourn it, and lay it at the cross. God promised that I am Blameless and went about ensuring that I proceeded on a path to a clean heart.
Pastor prayed passionately and emotionally for me. The other men poured out their hearts entreating for God to heal me. And there I sat, my neck spasming and cracking from the base of my skull down to my shoulder blades. When I wiggled my feet, testing it to see if the pain was gone, slivers of electric shards stabbed to let me know that no...pain was undiminished.
I went home disheartened. I was disappointed but almost worse, was the sense of my perceptions of their disappointment. There's nothing wrong with God.....so the fault must be mine. Somehow I'm holding out. Somehow I'm blocking and resisting God's working in me.
That would be fine...were it true. Because- a little honesty and a lot of repentance-- and I would be back on my rollerblades. Why wouldn't I make sure I am completely clean and innocent? But then there is a problem. If I am clean and cooperative--why has God not healed me.
Anyone who has studied the book of Job would that these same "blockages" were presumed by Job's friends. Secret Sin. Inadequate faith. Maybe God just wants me to depend on him so completely that I need his help to get to the kitchen and back to my room without cursing him and awaiting death.
Maybe he is just whetting my appetite for heaven. Granting me what Sheila Walsh called "Future Eyes"...but I think that Paul's words on the thorn in his flesh, came the closest to truth. "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." Dude. This illness is an honor. It is God telling me "You can do this...just hold tight to the handle bars and when you are steady, I will let go and you will fly. You bring me honor and delight. Every time you smile. Every time you pray and lean HARD on me, it gives Me Joy. When you think of others rather than yourself, it is adding to your eternal treasure. Don't give up,. Don't give way to discouragement. You've got this. And I've got you!"
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