The fan whirred out its song...audible human voices exuded from it and assaulted my eardrums....laughter, crazy laughter....A face appeared where before had just been wood grain...leering at and mocking me. I closed my eyes tight and cranked up my music on my phone and earbuds....It helped....but not really. I knew those voices and faces were still there....even in the music-filled darkness. Phantom lice scramble around in my hair...itching and scratching.
Lord, Here I am. Are You here?
(You know I am)
Can You help me?
(You know I can.)
Will you?
(You know I will)
We talk...and soon my eyelids grow heavy and then close.
This is SZ (schizophrenia) in "remission"....or maybe remission is the wrong word...maybe it is "SZ status quo." I have asked friends who have SZ if they experience these things when they are otherwise doing well....and yes. Phantasmagorical Phantoms laugh with hideous mirth...patterns emerge from simple things, like the folds of cloth in a closet, morphing into bizarre images...that I find hard to tear my eyes from....I have to watch to make sure these demons* stay in the closet and don't approach me any more closely.
My only help comes from my Father. He doesn't always take the hallucinations away...but He holds my hand throughout and then I feel safe. My Abba can kick demon butt so I need not fear.
More often than not, it is the voice of Pain that shrieks. In vain I massage sore joints. Rub topical medicine in and powerlessly wish I could take a pain med once more. Sometimes there are tears...other times moans and gasps. Usually, just silent anguish. "Lord, how many more years of this?"
He doesn't answer....and I didn't really expect him too. That info is "classified"--Hezekiah is the only one I know of that knew how many years he had left. I can only pray that God will have mercy and let me die young.--if 55 can be called "young."
The thing is that there are people who rely on me. Like Paul I can say "I long to depart and be with the Lord but I know that to live is for Christ and to die is gain. To die is better by far but for your sake, I know I will live." (rough quote... see Philippians 1: 20-25)
I know that God will keep me here a prisoner of the Lord (Eph 4:1) until these beloved ones are able to be without me. It is not a bad thing to be a prisoner of the Lord's. Don't get me wrong. It is painful and difficult but the reward will far outweigh the hardship. And even now, there is joy amidst the pain.
And until the moment I enter the gates of the Kingdom, He will never leave me or desert me. He goes with me: step by painful step. I can only say, "Maranatha Lord Jesus! Come quickly Lord!"
* These "demons" are not, I don't think, actual demons but rather the creations of a mentally ill mind. As such they are powerless unless I give them power by acting or speaking in response to them. But real demon or hallucination: My God Reigns.
Lord, Here I am. Are You here?
(You know I am)
Can You help me?
(You know I can.)
Will you?
(You know I will)
We talk...and soon my eyelids grow heavy and then close.
This is SZ (schizophrenia) in "remission"....or maybe remission is the wrong word...maybe it is "SZ status quo." I have asked friends who have SZ if they experience these things when they are otherwise doing well....and yes. Phantasmagorical Phantoms laugh with hideous mirth...patterns emerge from simple things, like the folds of cloth in a closet, morphing into bizarre images...that I find hard to tear my eyes from....I have to watch to make sure these demons* stay in the closet and don't approach me any more closely.
My only help comes from my Father. He doesn't always take the hallucinations away...but He holds my hand throughout and then I feel safe. My Abba can kick demon butt so I need not fear.
In peace I will both lie down and sleep,
For You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety.
Ps. 4:8 NASB"You alone" There is nothing and no one who can comfort me like this.
More often than not, it is the voice of Pain that shrieks. In vain I massage sore joints. Rub topical medicine in and powerlessly wish I could take a pain med once more. Sometimes there are tears...other times moans and gasps. Usually, just silent anguish. "Lord, how many more years of this?"
He doesn't answer....and I didn't really expect him too. That info is "classified"--Hezekiah is the only one I know of that knew how many years he had left. I can only pray that God will have mercy and let me die young.--if 55 can be called "young."
The thing is that there are people who rely on me. Like Paul I can say "I long to depart and be with the Lord but I know that to live is for Christ and to die is gain. To die is better by far but for your sake, I know I will live." (rough quote... see Philippians 1: 20-25)
I know that God will keep me here a prisoner of the Lord (Eph 4:1) until these beloved ones are able to be without me. It is not a bad thing to be a prisoner of the Lord's. Don't get me wrong. It is painful and difficult but the reward will far outweigh the hardship. And even now, there is joy amidst the pain.
And until the moment I enter the gates of the Kingdom, He will never leave me or desert me. He goes with me: step by painful step. I can only say, "Maranatha Lord Jesus! Come quickly Lord!"
* These "demons" are not, I don't think, actual demons but rather the creations of a mentally ill mind. As such they are powerless unless I give them power by acting or speaking in response to them. But real demon or hallucination: My God Reigns.
No comments:
Post a Comment