Gutted

I've not had any deep thoughts lately.  Nothing has plumbed my brain deeper than the very surface of it.  I don't know why.  I used to study.  Had revelations ...even in this blog, if you read back a couple of years, you will see a big difference between the me then and the me now.  I don't understand why this is.  I think honestly it is poverty of thought.  Poverty of thought (which leads to poverty of speech) is a symptom of schizophrenia.  It's a symptom that I passionately hate.  I used to be intelligent. I used to have interesting things to think about and to talk about.  Not now.

It makes little difference in say, a social setting where the conversation is about "how's your family?" and "how have you been feeling"...that I can handle.  However, between me and a close friend (my one friend)....sometimes there are long silences.  Fortunately the silences are comfortable....but I long for the day when I had conversations with exchanges of ideas and the excitement of thought spawned by the other person's words.  Now I hear their words and the words fall down the drain of my mind clanking against the empty metal pipes.  No response.  No ideas.

It makes it hard to study my Bible.  I used to read and have numerous deep thoughts. Now I read the words and they are just words.  I know that it does me good to read Scripture....even now.  Because I used to have a terrible problem swearing.   I had a complete garbage mouth.  However since I've been reading the Bible every day, that problem has largely become a thing of the past. I know that this is because of the "washing of the Word"....However, I could not write articles anymore like I used to.  I do not have any ideas about which to write.  I hate this disease.  It has stolen the guts from my brains.