Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist....mainly for my medications...but we also talk a bit and since I do not see a therapist; she's it. A couple of months ago, if you recall, I was quite unstable in my thinking....struggling with several ideas that were becoming so distracting and so large on my mental horizon, that I couldn't get away from them. My doctor at that time wanted to admit me to the hospital to have me in a safe environment so that she could revamp my meds completely. I refused. She made a few adjustments to my doses and added a med...Then also I had to go off of the mood stabilizer and switch to a different one because it was causing my sodium levels to be so low that it was a danger to my life.
Things leveled out somewhat. I was able to see that the ideas I'd had were most likely delusional. (that "most likely" is my addition for my benefit of the doubt or rather my doubting benefit). However this past week two of these ideas burst through the gates I'd built around them to keep them safely contained. One outburst occurred when I learned that in the Smart Phone --the iPhone--there is a new development called SIRI and this causes your conversations to be sent to Apple, supposedly for them to be able to better the technology. I'm not buying that for a second. Apple clearly has burst through all acceptable boundaries and is now blatantly spying on the users of the iPhone. And who will that include? Did you know that Apple has bought Blackberry and also Android?? Soon every cell phone will be a product of Apple. Soon every cell phone will have SIRI-ously infringed upon our right to privacy.
So of course, hearing that sent my Apple-cored fears into a huge spin, once again causing me to worry about Apple's plans to rule society...
Then a niggling fear buzzed around my head like a mosquito just waiting to impale me and suck the blood right from my brain. This fear was from idea # 2. I won't delineate it for you...just suffice it to say that I'm no longer as comfortable as I was.
Also in the past several months I've been having a phenomenon where a scene will play out in front of my eyes...on a narrower visual field than my normal sight can encompass. Almost as though it were playing out on a strip of film that is passing before my eyes. I will see scenes...mini dramas. Sometimes bizarre. Sometimes commonplace. Sometimes heartbreaking. And sometimes graphically violent. Someone suggested these are scenes from old movies I'd seen. And no, they aren't...They may possibly be the visuals from some long forgotten dreams having been stuck in the crevices of my brain, resurfacing....Or they may be glimpses into another dimension...an alternate reality taking place in the same space as I inhabit only invisible to the eyes of others. These are particularly apparent at night before I go to sleep--and no, I am not partially asleep and dreaming. They occur throughout the day also, I could be mid-conversation with someone and be interrupted by such a scene. The scene will continue until I become aware that I'm fixed on it....... or until it becomes too horrible or distressing to continue to watch and I tear my eyes off of it...Then it's gone.
So will I tell all this to the doc tomorrow? In all honesty, it's not likely. What is she going to do about it,, shy of her initial idea to incarcerate me so as to guinea pig me into compliance with normalcy? I suppose these "symptoms" are harmless, and will only serve to make me miserable. Probably no one else will even know if my life is hampered or disrupted internally; it will likely not make it's way up to the open air of observation. Short of a few awkward conversations about Apple, they have not hampered me thus far in an observable manner.
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