Thanatos

I think a lot about my death.
I guess that's kind of weird...but maybe not.  I spent over 15 years greatly desiring to die and attempted to do so at least 4 times over the years; and all the time when I wasn't trying to die, I was thinking about it.  Only, back then, I didn't think of heaven or of me going there or not.  I didn't really think about hell either.  I wasn't worried that, if I died, I might go there.  I kind of thought that, well, "I'm a child of God, so I won't go to hell.  But neither do I deserve nor want to go to Heaven, so maybe I will just go into the ground and rot into nothingness.  And that was what I wanted.  It seemed to me that life--any kind of life--even life in Heaven--was inherently tainted with misery and I didn't want any of it.  Also I was so completely drained of energy and motivation that the thought of  having to continue to expend effort in Heaven was completely unacceptable.  No, the only peace to be found, was in the ground with the worms.

There was a brief time when death seemed further away...That was from 1989-2000.  Eleven years.  Years when I was a newlywed and then a young mom.  Years when I worked hard physically and for the first time, enjoyed being in my body...Rollerblading and walking every morning...And then--completely unexpectedly-- a horrible case of mycoplasmic pneumonia struck.  And I encountered Death once again, up close and personal....but wasn't really too aware of its proximity at the time.  And the "gift" that the pneumonia left with me was a horrible case of asthma.  And suddenly, my life changed.  I was no longer a healthy young woman but a sick young woman.  I had repeated pneumonias, asthma exacerbations. and steroid myopathy  (severe muscle destruction from the steroids)...

During the next 12 years, (up to the present), I encountered Death up close and personal... Endocarditis (twice), MRSA (twice), and encephela-spinal meningitis all took turns at bringing me to the brink.  And then about 5 years ago., Psoriatic Arthritis entered --not so much to kill me--as to make my life a living hell.  And now, because of the damage that my arthritis meds do to my immune system, I'm wide open to life-threatening infection.

So now, especially when I'm approaching my 50th year, Death is again heavy on my mind.  I would so much like to be able to say, like Paul, "I've run the race--my life was not in vain."  I know that the reason that God has saved me so many many times from the grave was because I was not yet ready for Heaven....I still had road to travel in the pursuit of holiness...and God knows, I still do.  As tired as I am of struggling to get through a day, I know that I don't want to end this life until I've completed what work God has set for me to do. I know that when the moment comes for me to leave this body, I will go willingly and joyfully.

 So if you are coming to my funeral, be warned: you are coming to a party.
 "Free at last, Free at last, Thank God, I am Free at last!"