A Long Night

It's 1:50 AM.  I woke at 11:00 and talked for an hour via IM and then dozed til 1:00...constantly aware of pain...and now have given it (sleep) up as a lost cause.  My arms both hurt...but my left arm is....just north of unbearable.  I'm scheduled for a shoulder replacement of that arm on June 12th...I also need an elbow replacement, but the ortho surgeon says that the prostheses they have currently for that joint are really inferior and that it would be better to wait til technology comes up with a better option.  Sounds like solid advice ---but I'm not sure practically speaking, how it will pan out.  If we replace the shoulder only ...and then go to do my right shoulder, I will have two bum arms at one time, because of the severity of disability in my left elbow.  I do NOT know how I'm going to manage these surgeries.  I have no help here at home...and that's a recipe for disaster.  I'm praying that I will have a good chunk of time either  in rehab or else with a home health aide.  I can't imagine the pain that I know is coming. I'm quite scared by the thought.  Wish there was somewhere I could run to hide: someplace where I have two good arms.  Sounds like "Heaven" doesn't it?? 

Yesterday I was feeling really heavily aware that my life is quite useless as it is these days...when all I seem to do is to battle illness and pain and take ambulance rides to the hospital.    I decided to take a look at 1st John in the Bible.

1 John 1:1-4

New Living Translation (NLT)

We proclaim to you the one who existed from the beginning, whom we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is the Word of life. This one who is life itself was revealed to us, and we have seen him. And now we testify and proclaim to you that he is the one who is eternal life. He was with the Father, and then he was revealed to us. We proclaim to you what we ourselves have actually seen and heard so that you may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We are writing these things so that you may fully share our joy.

 And I was struck by a sentence in verse one of the first chapter.  It said that Christ is the "word of life"...and there was a note that "word " in that sentence in Greek is the word "Logos" which means "the essence of meaning behind a word"  or "expression" ...I began to mull that over.  What that is really saying is that Y'shua is the meaning of life!!  or that Jesus is the essence or expression of Life.  If you don't have him, your life is bereft or lacking in meaning.  Well, that made me think, because lately , I've really struggled with the idea that my life is truly meaningless at this point...and yet I've had some worries that I'm not really ready for Heaven.  Talk about being between a rock and a hard place!  And this verse shed some light on the why of that.  I'm lacking in the degree of Christ that I should have.  And with out him, my life really IS pointless!  And with out being filled with His Spirit, well, I don't really want to be crossing Heaven's threshold in that state either.

Then in the third and fourth verses of that chapter it talks about fellowship among Christians and how by the sharing of our fellowship; we also communicate joy to one another.  And the process by which this joy is shared is via the spoken and the written word.  Hey, is this inferring that by my being filled with Christ, my life has meaning for myself and by writing about him, I can communicate joy and meaning into the lives of others?  How cool is that?  I could write a book, but honestly, probably more people have read this blog than would ever read a book I wrote.  (did you notice we are at 20,000 visitors?  Pretty cool, huh?)...Maybe I've imparted a little bit of meaning to a few people along the way,  And if I have, then my life has had a bit of meaning.

And really what I need right now is to be refilled, like an empty gas tank (only for a whole lot cheaper!) with the fullness of my Lord. And that integrally gives my life meaning.  In other words, if I get too the point where I'm completely disabled...even unable to write this blog...then my life still  has meaning as I am a "container" filled with my Jesus.  And my smile, or even the expression in my eyes to those who visit or care for me, will  communicate Christ to them  

And the inverse of that verse is scary.  To not have Christ, makes a life really inherently devoid of purpose....That statement speaks for itself...I will not add to it.

My prayer is that each one of you would find that fullness of meaning with Christ as your Lord.  Be blessed today.  It's a whole new week.  Make it like the first and last week of your life.