Mental Sluggishness

One of the most frustrating things about having schizophrenia is the diminishing in mental agility.  I've mentioned in past posts how I used to love to read and could 'inhale' (as my mom put it) a 1000 page book in a single day....and regularly did so.  Now, I read....but for me to actually finish a book is something to be celebrated.  I love the idea of it; reading.  I buy Kindle books and have probably 25 of them waiting to be read.....but I just get bogged down in them.  And I have absolutely no tolerance for conundrums.  These plot mechanisms which form the skeleton of so many books, drive me insane (OK, short trip. I know).  I have no stomach for them...they get me way too upset and frustrated.  I can't even stand to watch I Love Lucy  or The Flintstones....those shows live in conundrum-land.
So what often happens is that I will smell one coming....and quickly switch to another book, to avoid the inevitable twisting in my gut that I get from them.

That's reading. 
There's also conversation.  Quick-minded banter used to be my hometown.  Now ...well, I can't get out of my own way verbally. I hate talking on the telephone and avoid it at most costs.  I haven't had a conversation with anyone lasting longer than probably five minutes in years.  I'm constantly frustrated because I've somehow misrepresented myself; often ticked someone off by a blundering remark; not gotten a really obvious joke (I tend to take things way too literally), or just gotten in over my head.  That never used to happen.

I can still pretty well look at  a problem--especially a mechanical one--and come up with a solution.  My husband comes to me when something needs to be fixed or figured out along those lines.  Maybe that's why a lot of people with SZ work in maintenance type jobs and less of us become astrophysicists.   And this is a real shame and it really speaks of the destructiveness of this disease.  It tends to strike people who were highly intelligent, creative people....and it makes them into mental mush heads.  OK, maybe that's not fair to some .  And maybe it's not even true of me.  But comparatively-- when I think o f where I was and then where I am...it makes me very sad.  And I don't like showing this person that I now am to people....especially to those who knew me before.  So I stay home, in my room and I write blogs.  And I'm still working on my manuscript--although  I'd put it aside for quite a while.  Yesterday I sent in a submission to the Christian Choice Writers' Contest.   I think what I wrote it pretty okay...so we'll see on Tuesday if anything comes of it.