Rambling Truth

It is odd. I maintain four blogs....and I write a new post every two or three days for each. This blog is on the topic (mostly) of mental illness and of my faith and it is the central venue for the mini-ministry God has given me to people who suffer from it. (I'm trying so carefully to find the right words and appropriate contexts...which is hard because my mind is being anything but cooperative at the moment.) This is my most "public" website. And therefore, I've tried to maintain a public and respectable "face" or presence on it. Some of my other blogs are more open and honest and raw. They are also more anonymous.

As anyone who suffers with mental illness could tell you...this becomes really tricky at times. (I'm averaging one sentence per five minutes here now and re-reading the whole thing in between to find out what I was just saying).

I was just thinking last night and this morning as I contemplated what to say to you next. Now. When the tables are turning a bit. And I'm speaking less from a past tense perspective and in more of a present tense one. And am suffering a flash of massive doubt just now, that ANY of this is coherent. or comprehensible. Because oddly, the site where I've been most "open" about my mental illness...is really one of the lesserly (is that a word? Spell check says NO) honest ones. I've detached myself from it here. I've spoken of it as if it were a cancer from which I've completely recovered.

And that is a bit of a lie....

The post here... (http://cynthialottvogel.blogspot.com/2010/11/i-read-blog-of-friend-this-morning.html ) where I posted those hideous pix of me....tore some of the cellophane wrapping off of my illness. It gave a face to some of my earlier posts here...and I'll bet it wasn't what you anticipated. Because with words, I AM IN CHARGE...sort of . To a point. But pictures are worth a thousand words. Were I really brave, I would take a pic of me now. But regardless of my attempts at honesty, there is a limit to which I will go. This is not a REALITY show. If you want that, go watch TV. Now Ive totally lost myself. I have NO clue what I was just saying. See, now the WORDS are in charge and not I.

Let me try to recover this runaway post.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, that mental illness is an ongoing, lifelong thing. And there are times when one does well and manages their symptoms ....and there are times when the symptoms manage them....
I believe I'm in, or entering in...to one of those latter times. the past week has been a massive struggle. My thoughts are bouncing from place to place. Fears - crazy irrational fears which would make you laugh at their unlikelihood were I to tell you of them -- are overpowering me and keeping me in a perpetual state of terror. I'm sitting on my hands at times and counting to well, as high as I can concentrate to...probably ten....trying not to do myself harm. I've been clinging hard to a friend in London online and she's literally been dragging me ....sentence after sentence away from a bloody end.

My pain levels have been severe. Really really severe.
And it's all I can do to talk myself into a tomorrow.

And worst of all...dreams have invaded my days. hallucinations if you want to call them that....I always hear voices. I often have tactile hallucinations...(feel things with my senses that aren't real....) but this is a new ball game. Or a new inning of a game that has gone into way too many overtimes. But now, these things are kidnapping me and lifting my from my surroundings and taking me where they will. And I'm really afraid that soon, I won' t find my way back.

The hospital is not an obvious or easy answer.
The majority of the local hospitals here have closed their doors to me...saying that I am too sick for them to safely manage. That I need to be committed long term to a state facility. And I'm so afraid that that is what may happen, simply because we are optionless.

If that happens i won't be coming back.
I'm sure I will die soon after going there....from not having my medical needs met. And from total despair. I'm sure that once I hear that lock click...every vestige of self control will exit with my husband....and I will hit the rafters. And that will be all she'll write. (haha. that was funny. and unintentional).

These are hard realities. and there are less and less realities that I am holding onto right now. the main one I"ve been focusing on is the reality that God loves me and that HE controls my future,....not some man in a white coat. Not even my husband with his finger poised above "911."

And I think that this is as far as my concentration takes me now. this is my bus stop ...it's been nice riding with you.