A Long Journey

I read the blog of a friend this morning... She talked about recognizing that mood shifts are not permanent ones...and even when in the throes of depression we have to just go with what we know rather than what we are feeling.

And then someone commented on that blog and said that it's a matter of letting things wash over us and picking and choosing what pieces of them we will retain and hold on to.
Her blog brought to mind a book that I'd read recently, "Who Switched off my Brain?" by Dr. Caroline Leaf. which talks about the way we have the power to physically change the wiring in our brain by holding onto positive thoughts and by talking to ourselves in positive affirming ways...And also, the reverse is true: the more we reiterate negative, harmful talk to ourselves...such talk actually kills parts of the brain ...and the result can be deep depression or even physical illness. And the illness is real...but it has its roots in the experiences we have and the way we respond to them (whether we live them over and over in our minds, adding our own negative commentary to them for example)...

So yes, if something good happens, for example, I get a nice compliment. I can either relive it in my mind and tell myself how nice it was to hear that...I must really be deserving of such a remark if the person made it unprompted. Or I can tell myself that the remark was a lie, and then add all kinds of negative insulting talk about myself to myself...and even question the person's motives...And all of this will have a literal, physical impact on the chemistry and the physical structure of the brain.
I would say that I've done much of this instinctively in my attempts to recover from mental illness. There were many years (of depression) where I told myself hateful awful things, that I would NEVER consider saying to anyone else. So why then , would I hold even LESS regard for myself? But I did.

And there were many years where I questioned the motives of almost every person I encountered...even a stranger walking by on the road, became the object of fear and paranoia on my part. And the more I allowed this, the worse it got.

So what happened to change all this?
Well, I saw some very scary things about myself. One was that I was going to probably live for the rest of my life in a state psychiatric facility if I didn't change and get well. I was on the waiting list for such a bed while in the last hospital I was in. It was an act of God that they finally got a better combo of drugs that helped to snap me out of the psychosis and enabled me to go home before the state bed became available. If it had happened to have been open first; I would STILL be there...And this thought scared the stuffing out of me.

You see, how I see myself, internally, is NOT what other people are seeing when they look at me. In my mind, I'm still the 20 year old young woman with psychiatric problems...Attractive, young, bright, and someone that people would really make an effort to help. And people did. Back then.

But here is what people were seeing then, when they looked at me. I show this picture with EXTREME reluctance. it's hideous. But seeing it recently was a rude wake up call to the fact that I was just another crazy middle aged woman who was a hopeless case. Someone that no one would really make a special effort to help. Just another "mental case"...

Awful, right? this is someone that no one would think twice about locking up for twenty years or so. And it was a real jolt for me to look at myself in those pictures and to see that THIS IS ME. NOW...THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE SEE WHEN THEY LOOK AT ME.

And I decided back then (it was really sort of a subconscious decision that I wasn't really well enough to be cognizant of at the time, but looking back, I can see and recall my feelings and know that this is what happened.) I decided "NO ONE is going to throw me away. I'm not a nothing. Not a disposable person. I've got to get well and get in control of my life again..."

It was around then, that I joined SparkPeople .Com. I've spoken in here before about the impact that this group of people have had on my life. There, I began to see that your life is what you make it. You can CHOOSE to be fat and out of control and a victim of the circumstances of your life...Or you can take charge of your life (as much as we have the ability to ...much of it, obviously is up to God...But if you love God, as I do and did, then there is really nothing stopping you from recovering your life and making it what God initially intended for it to be. The people there are extremely supportive. But they are tough. They will let you know if you are having a a pity party. Or if you are being too negative. And they worked with me and still are. Many of them are followers of Christ, and this is an added benefit that I found there. The love of a Christian is a love like no other. And they lavished that love on me. And I began slowly to change and to thrive. And now, here is the most recent picture of me...

50 pounds lighter (still 30 to go to get to my goal.)...and a whole lot happier...and saner.