This past week I had two MRIs done on my spine. One on my cervical (neck) area and one on my lumbar (lower back). Yesterday I sat in my rheumatologist's office as she discussed the results with me. My "rheumy" is a fairly young woman, younger than myself, and no one has yet told her not to cry in front of your patients when you have to tell them horrific news. But still, I was so appreciative of her compassion.
I won't discuss all the medical details of it. But the upshot is that at EVERY single vertebrae and disk in my spine, there is severe damage being done by both spinal degeneration and the Psoriatic Arthritis. It is to the degree that surgery can only alleviate some of the symptoms, but will not be able to make a substantial difference. And from what I could gather, my time of mobility and sensation in my arms and legs, is quickly coming to an end. I already am experiencing frequent numbness and pain in my limbs...sometimes temporary and complete paralysis of both legs or both arms at once. And I am guessing this will soon be the rule instead of the exception. Now if this were to also mean that I could be numb to the pain or the destruction of my spine and the impingement and pressure on my nerves, then that would not be completely bad. But the bad news is that the pain; which is even now debilitating and severe, will become even more so.
The final irony is that my latest medication for pain that I've taken, which had offered me a peek back into a life with tolerable levels of discomfort--had been robbing me of sleep. And after 8 days of sleeplessness, I finally went without the meds for a day and a night...and my theory proved true as I slept deeply for six hours until awakened by pain. So I will trade freedom and independence for sleep. And ironically, the renewed levels of pain will very soon rob me of almost all sleep as they had been doing for at least a year or two prior to going on this medicine. However, because I can survive on two or three hours of sleep, and cannot survive on none. I will trade in my newly gained "life" for those paltry hours of sleep...and enter once more into a land without respite.
Most people would at this point put God onto the stand and demand from him some answers as to why. But I cannot and won't do this. I know full well and understand completely that, as Job learned in the Old Testament, it is not up to mankind to ask God a single "Why" or give him a "how dare you??" He is God -and frankly - I'm not. I understand and accept that completely. And I do trust completely that He has some purpose, unseen and unknown to me which will result in blessing and reward...but also that I may catch no glimpse of that in this world. And I am content with that as well. I trust him that much. I am not saying this to put myself on a pedestal and to tell you how wonderful a Christian I am. (And doubtless, some of you are at this point considering what an idiot I am!) I am not without flaw.
My flaw is probably more along the lines of a lack of acceptance...and some inclination to whine about it all! And I hate that second fact about myself with a passion...but still I catch myself doing it. Last night, I finally had to come to the point where I just told myself to stop looking for any comfort whatsoever from people....because it will simply not be there. My family can only see the inconvenience this will mean to them. My friends, shake their heads and say, "What next? and What else?" And most people just don't have any ability to imagine or relate to the kind of pain that I deal with every moment of every day nor the ability to conceive of paralysis and worse. And frankly don't care to. Rather than letting this anger me; I have to seek my comfort from the hands of God alone...and trust him to provide me with strength and encouragement also...because it is so sparse and infrequent and insufficient from mankind, even if they ARE willing to offer it.
I've recently lost a large amount of weight and begun to develop some muscle tone and a good bit of functional strength. And now my doctor suggested to me yesterday that I should ease up on my working out because it is very dangerous with the precarious positioning of my of disc matter and the pressure from vertebrae and bony deposits on my nerve roots. One wrong move and paralysis can be quick and immediate. This at first gave me a great sadness and sense of loss. But I am wondering if this too, is the type of advice that my pulmonologist gave me last May as he told me that exercise would always be impossible for me as it would place too great of a demand on my lungs. I determined then and there to prove him wrong...and I certainly have done that. Why should it not be that movement such as yoga and stretching could not INCREASE the space my nerve roots have to "breathe" and also reduce pain and pressure in my spine?? To my thinking, that is an equal or greater possibility...and it is probably the one that I will act upon.
I have seen the limitations and insufficiency of conventional pain management. And I am now going to seek it from unconventional sources. I have nothing to lose. And I've given conventional medicine a fair shot and a good try...and it has failed me. Now I will look into herbal compounds,and possibly acupuncture and such to help me to endure.
I will confess that my first response was to want to curl up and just die quickly. But I must fight. I must trust my Lord Healer. And I must trust my own instincts and my own common sense...even above that of my doctors. And I will to my Lord, "I am nothing--how could I ever find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand. I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say." (Job 40:4,5) I cannot pretend to know what is around the corner--even if the doctors think THEY know. God is bigger than they and bigger than a degenerating spine. And he is able to heal and forestall and prolong...and even to bless me in the MIDST of all of this suffering. And I must trust that he will do just that...as well as to give me the strength and faith to get up to face yet another day each morning. And certainly he is good enough to hold out to me the promise of Heaven and a new body altogether. I must fix my sights on these things and refuse to look at the things which doctors say are likely.
So I will face tomorrow with the strength and faith that he gives me for that day...and not look at the days coming...I will ask him for my "daily bread" and nothing more. And I know that my God is a good Father who knows how to give good gifts to his children who ask for them (Mt.7:7-11) and certainly I am included in this promise.
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