Some Good News

I just wanted to say that this is the first time in probably 3 years that I have felt WELL mentally...content with my medications and not scared by my "wellness." Always, in the past, when I had a period of stability, I had the sense of precariousness--as though I was balancing on a high wire in a wind storm and there happened to be a lull. My wellness before was fragile and while I would appear to be stable outwardly, inwardly, I still was battling the demons. And always, ALWAYS - I hated my medications and if given a chance, would have flushed them all down the toilet. I had no energy, no ambition, no desire to do anything...could not even force myself to take a shower more than once a week and would wear the same clothes, sleeping and waking, for several days on end. (GROSS, I know.)

However, I have discovered a combination of medications which has really helped the negative symptoms of my disease (negative symptoms are lack of energy, ambition, ability to enjoy anything...etc). The positive symptoms (hallucinations and delusions --for me paranoia ideas) and now also much more in abeyance than they were previously. Although I still hear "whispers" and see things ( I think) out of the corners of my eyes...these things are MUCH better than they were. The paranoia, which I found to be the most distressing out of all my symptoms, has been almost non-existent. And best of all: I AM LOSING THE WEIGHT THE PREVIOUS MEDS MADE ME GAIN! I had gained 80 p0unds in one year, which would upset anyone, but for a partially recovered anorexic, is INTOLERABLE. I've lost 45 pounds so far, and am doing it reasonably and healthfully, through exercise, yoga and right eating.

Other than the setback I had as a result of the anesthesia from my surgery, when I became VERY paranoid and was actively hallucinating, I have been stable for enough months, that I feel safe in saying, "I am doing well."

This is the first combo of meds I've tried which made me feel significantly better enough to make me admit that I need them and they are worthwhile. I've even had some opportunities NOT to take them and have taken them anyway. (My husband dispenses my medications to me because of my very erratic history of being compliant with them).

So, if you are struggling and feel there is nothing that will help you to feel better; if you have a loved one of whom you are despairing...DO NOT GIVE UP! Last year two more psychiatric hospitals closed their doors to me, saying that my case was hopeless and that I belonged in a State psych hospital, possibly for good. Those were the last two options of hospitals that I had, other than a state facility. I was in terror of going to such a place, having been to large county facilities before, and knowing that the state institutions are worse yet...and the ones I were at were hell-holes.

I hate the fact that I have to take SO MANY meds in order for me to be stable. I hate the fact that they are very expensive and my family must go without other things in order for me to have them...I hate even NEEDING them...but right now, I am thanking God for them, because for the first time in many years, I feel like a normal person.