This year I will be unable to attend the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference that I went to last year. I'm saddened by this, as it was a truly great experience last time, and I met many new friends with whom I would love to reconnect. My health and also finances are the two barriers I faced in this decision. Although, I probably, by the time the conference rolls around, would be in better shape than I was last year in terms of being able to walk across campus numerous times in the day...my spine still would not have permitted me to sit for the extended periods necessary to be able to take advantage of all the meetings and workshops it will involve.
My hip is doing well...and on days when my OTHER hip is not acting up (as it was yesterday, due, I'm sure, to the storms that were rolling through), I can walk for a quick mile (19 minutes)--even despite the many steep hills in my community. I hope to be able to improve my endurance and speed, but am happy with even that for now. And thus far, I've lost 45 pounds of what I'd gained in the past two years.
I have to learn to be patient with this "twitchy" body...there are days when I just cannot do what I can do on other days. I've had to learn to accept that - and also not to allow it to cause me to despair. For example, yesterday, every joint in my body hurt and I was completely exhausted (both symptoms were from the PsA)...but today, I'm feeling pretty good. It is hard to roll with the tide and also hard to make plans when everything must be taken day by day...but maybe that is good training on "abiding in" and trusting God. To ask for my daily "bread" and not to look for anything beyond that...and also to be willing to accept whatever ration or portion He should decide to grant me each day, requires a life of acceptance and trust. I do not claim to have mastered that yet! But I'm working on it...and I think I'm getting better at it.
I'm so grateful that the respiratory problems I have, have been in control for months now...really since April. And that is a record not exceeded in recent memory. What a gift it is...to walk across a room and not be doubled over gasping for breath! And to think that I'm walking quick miles as well!! And that I can complete an aerobic workout which takes almost 20 minute! How amazing is that?! And the best part is that I'm not really taking much medication for that problem at all now.
I try not to think of how heartbroken I will be if it comes back and I need to go onto IV steroids again....After all this hard work!! But then I have to comfort myself and to realize that if I did not lost the weight in between times, and if I did not get my muscles strong again in between,...then I certainly would weigh 400 pounds and be wheelchair bound from the myopathy *muscle damage from steroids.* So it is NOT wasted...but it IS frustrating...to never be able to retain my former thin, toned figure for more than a couple of months at a time is SO aggravating!
But again, that in itself contains a lesson that God has been teaching me: not to compare myself to others or to "Cynthia-of-the-past;" to accept from his hand what each day holds and to be thankful for the gifts that day contains. Gratitude is a biggie. I'm learning to be grateful, even when I'm huddled in bed, wracked with pain...learning that those moments are prime opportunities for worship, which I believe is treasured by God. Each day holds treasures and gifts which we can so quickly over look in our rush and hectic schedules. God has given ME the gift of slooooowwwwing my life down, so that I have "nothing better to do" than to examine it all and to discover those "Treasures of Darkness" which would so easily have otherwise be missed.
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