My Brain on Drugs

My bedclothes are in a rumpled pile…my recliner is as tired as my cat is, of my moving from bed to recliner and back every five or ten minutes. It is 2:45 and it feels like I’ve been here struggling for DAYS instead of a few hours. Poor Mayo, every time she gets into a somewhat comfy spot (lucky her), I either have to move her because she is laying on a spot on me that is screaming in protest, or I need to get up and try an altogether different venue for sleeping…Or else I need to go and take a few more pain pills. I’ve taken 40 mg of oxycontin thus far with very little and very reluctant relief.

Just yesterday, I’d felt pretty good; even thought of putting off the surgery. I went to town to one store without my cane…(thought I was hot stuff, huh? Instead of a little old lady…. ) Then I went to bed at 9:30 completely obliterated by exhaustion. And then it hit. Oh Lord in heaven, did it hit. Like a tsunami. I kept struggling to only moan and not to scream…but sometimes even failed at that. I didn’t want to waken or keep Eric awake in his nearby room…but I’m sure my attempts were futile. He was kind enough to not complain. (Must’ve been those peanut butter cookies I baked for him todaythat made him so congenial!)

Actually, a word here. I should not bad mouth Eric or paint him in such a negative light. We’ve been getting along and I have some hopes for a turn for the better in our relationship. I think it’s because I’ve been doing better since I got onto this medicine combination. I’ve been feeling more like a human: less drugged out and have had much less of the negative symptoms than I used to have. In fact, if I didn’t feel so badly physically, I probably would have no trouble doing thing like keeping the house cleaned. I even have had a return of emotions…crying , too frequently for my liking–but appropriately; laughed a belly laugh at something funny that Eric said…even he noted that with appreciation. Eric has begun to entrust me with making business calls and with his list of duties that he gives me before leaving for work…things that he cannot do because he’s been working 13 hour days all week. In fact I am a bit frightened by the amount that he is leaving in my hands…especially regarding the impending surgery. I am getting packet after packet in the mail and numerous forms and booklets about things I need to do and take care of prior to the surgery from the hospital..and am feeling panicked by it all. I’m certain that there are major things that I’m failing to do and that when I show up for surgery, they will say, “sorry we cannot do it today” because I messed up on something I was supposed to do.

I think Eric is forgetting a bit that I’m sz (or at least he’s wanting/trying to) and is giving me a bit too much credit for being able to handle all the details like that. The mere fact of my terrible lack of short term memory, makes for a struggle in doing business matters.

My, this has been a rambling post, hasn’t it? There you have it: my brain on drugs.

Anyway…it’s now 4:30…my pain has calmed down a bit and I’m HUNGRY, but there’s not a thing in the houes to eat and it’s too early to clank around making oatmeal…ahhhh yes: PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES….hehe.

Thanks for keeping me company throughout this very miserable night….Now I have a headache for my efforts (and probably from the oxycontin)…but at least I don’t need to scream in pain…Have a good day peeps!