Firstly, a quick update. I am typing this from the comfort of my recliner on my newly repaired LAPTOP!! Yay! Even better, Toshiba extended my two month expired warranty, so the repair was free! Double Yay! So hopefully now I will be posting more regularly since I can endure to be online for more than ten minutes of sitting in the desk chair.
A friend of mine wanted me to continue the series I've been doing on Schizophrenia. I asked him what subject I should pursue; what questions would he like answered. He asked, "Where is this all leading you?" meaning the illness. That is a hard question to answer. I would like to say that it has inspired me to get my doctorate in Literature and that I'm going to write a book on the topic...but as I'm already struggling with completing the two manuscripts I have started, I don't honestly see that happening. I tend to become enamored of an idea and pursue it for a while...and then get bogged down and discouraged ...and the idea starts to collect dust on the shelves of my mind.
As far as projecting where the illness will take me, that's another hard thing to pin down. Schizophrenia is a progressive brain disease, but there are people who hit on a good combination of medicines, and who live fairly normal lives (at least compared to other people with the same diagnosis). As far as my specific set of circumstances go, that too is hard to answer. Assuming my husband stays alive, well, married to me, and working...I will at least have a roof over my head and food on my table. But, as many, many people with this disease can attest, all of that can change rather suddenly. If my husband were to leave or die, I would very easily end up homeless. Many of the homeless people in this country have schizophrenia and it is extremely common, when a caretaker dies or becomes unable to care for them, for the person to end up on the streets. To me, here and now, in my own home and in relative security, this likelihood seems far away...but it is really much closer than I would like to believe. Given my medical problems, it would be even more catastrophic for me were this to happen. However, despite being near this point at times in my life, God has always provided for me, and I have no reason to believe that he will stop doing so.
I am currently working with the Office of Vocational Rehabilitation to try to decide on some kind of an occupation or career that I will be able to enter. They will also pay for education such as my return to college, if that is necessary for the career that I choose. While I've always wished that I had completed a college degree, frankly I find myself dragging my feet on this one. I find the thought overwhelming. I'm worried that, with my memory problems, the studying and testing will prove to be more than I can handle. I'm even bogged down by the thought of choosing a career direction. There are things in which I am interested but when I think of actually working every day in a job in one of these careers, I am terrified. I used to be pretty courageous with taking on new responsibilities and was fairly proficient when I did so, but now, my self-confidence has shriveled up like the Wicked Witch of the East when Dorothy tossed water on her.
Any kind of job that requires any contact with the public or with more than a couple of people would have to be disqualified from my consideration. I am extremely uncomfortable, even with going to the grocery store and could not bear to have to do that daily. This is my main hesitation in the field of Naturopathy, which is one that I am very interested in learning. I would consider LEARNING about it, but not working as a consultant to clients who might come to me for help. Most of the people with schizophrenia whom I've met on chats or forums online live completely isolated lives. They usually live with parents and see no one ever. Compared to that, I do fairly well, because I attend church and a small home Bible study. But other than that, and going to occasional doctor appointments, I have no social contact either.
So really, any kind of reknown I might ever receive or accomplishment I might achieve would be through my writing. However, I find that I often have trouble coming up with subject matter because of my isolated and limited life. Also, I've discovered that a large part of an author's life is marketing their work; schmoozing and attending multiple writers' conferences. There is no way I would be interested in that...and even if I was, there's no way I could carry it out successfully.
So, where is my life with schizophrenia taking me? That will largely be determined by external circumstances and the direction that my illness takes. And one cannot rule out the hand and will of God in determining this either. My approach thus far, has been to face the challenge of each day as it comes and not to think beyond that. OVR is pushing me to do this and I will have to somehow deal with that. So, I'm sorry, friend, if I've answered your question insufficiently, but I really don't know how to give a concrete answer to this question.
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