Beneath the Surface

If you were to read my journal entries for the past month, you would find one thing is common with all of them; they are surface level and “chatty.” I think that I am very much out of touch with my feelings right now…and in fact, have no clue even of what they might consist. I know one thing: I am running. Running from something I’d rather not look at. If you were to read the newest of my writings, you would see that my most recent plumbings of my mind, really explore the depths of despair. And I think that’s the last feeling I”ve felt since then.

It is true that, like most schizophrenics, I do not feel much; am not very much in touch with my emotions. I’m basically a “flat-line” when it comes to experiencing and expressing my feelings… However, I am also bipolar, and this means that I’m generally in the basement of despair or else I’m flying high on nervous energy. Right now, I’m not really in either one because I feel nothing. I’ve been getting through my days, doing what I need to do … and having no clue as to what is boiling around under the surface. This is generally a bad sign. It generally leads me to the brink of big trouble. Because, at some point, my tiptoe across the thin ice of my churning feelings will end as a big crack appears and the monsters who live in those depths will reach up and grab my ankles…and down I will go.

Why is it never happiness that is hidden away? If you are feeling nothing, it is pretty much guaranteed that what your brain is avoiding is something worth avoiding. I think the clues to what it consists of can be found in my last few posts. I began to explore there, some of the grimness of my life and situation…and I think that the true desperation of all that frightened my emotions into hiding. This is not without reason because there are truly some things worth avoiding there. Why should the grimness chase me away though? Can’t I confront it with my shield of faith and take it on in hand to hand combat? Why not? Is my faith a pretense? Is my God weak? Is my faith weak? Do I really believe that God is big enough and good enough to take on all of these challenges, rise to defend me and conquer the situation? If I do believe that, then why am I in hiding?

I think a lot of it (this avoidance) may be a knee-jerk reaction based on a lot of bad experiences with despair. In past years, despair and hopelessness have let me to battle with demons which were more than ferocious and led me to attempts to end my life, possibly in an effort to head off the disasters that I felt sure were pending. Maybe now, despite the fact that my faith is stronger than it was back then, I automatically back off from such confrontations with hopelessness because in the past it has led me to such depths. Maybe as soon as I dip my toes into that ocean of pain…I back away in fear and trembling, forgetting that I now know how to swim.

Maybe.

Maybe that is what is happening. Maybe I just don’t have any faith in my faith.

Maybe I’m afraid to put shoes on my faith and do any serious walking across the waters of this ocean.

What would happen if I climbed out of my boat into the water? I know that the secret to walking on water is focus. To focus on the WHO of my faith…the one in WHOM I have faith, rather than on the opposition to my faith. Yes, the enemy is big and ugly. But my God is bigger. So I need to learn that if I’m going to do any hiding, it should be behind His back instead of behind shallow busyness; to walk on that water, never minding how deep it is or how big and ugly are the sea monsters who dwell there…but simply to gaze on and adore my Lord…and to know with all certainty that He is sufficient to take on any of them and to win. So I should not tremble. I should not have to hide my feelings. I can take them out and examine them. I can not have to be afraid of them…even if it is THEY who are the monsters I fear. God can shut the mouths of even those lions. He can drown them in their own ocean of fear. He can tear those bears apart with bare hands. He can disarm them … He can overpower them, because perfect Love casts out all fear. I think that means it can beat its pants off and then throw it right out of the ring.

So don’t be afraid to examine. Don’t be afraid to challenge despair. Don’t be afraid to feel sadness or pain. You have the winning hand. No matter how big those things are, your secret weapon is bigger, stronger, and will win any war with them.Show all