a fine mess you've gotten into, Ollie

I am having trouble coming up with topics to write about here. My mind seems to be on vacation and my life is on "pause." I do very little with my days other than to wash a few dishes (maybe), take a shower (even more unlikely), sit with my laptop and surf the net, and take naps. That is a really pathetic existence. It might be okay, if I were say, 74...but I'm 47 and it's really too early to retire. My thoughts have all been sucked out of my brain and then vaporized into the atmosphere. I question sometimes if I'm really here at all. If I am here, then why am I not DOING anything more productive?

The worst part of it is that I can't even think of anything that I would LIKE to do; or imagine anything that I would be capable of doing. Why is that? I was always a pretty competent person ...how is it that I have become such a ball of MUSH?? Mentally and physically I have really declined in the past couple of years. Why is this? Is it something I have allowed to happen? Is it in my control?

Last week I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous, I should just go out for a walk to get out of the house." I made it to the end of my driveway, when I was overcome by pain and breathlessness. If I had a mile long driveway, that might have been okay...but it's really SHORT.

Where is the worth in such a life? Is it anything that I can change? What would I change it to and how? If our lives are a gift, then I've put mine into a closet and forgotten about it. Or else, it decided to be given to someone else and it forgot all about me. What does God think about all of this?

If I ask myself what else I might do should the opportunity arise- say a job or a hobby or something like that- I have to honestly say that there is very little I CAN do because pain and asthma have become apparently insurmountable. And because of that fact; I have lost whatever muscles were still functioning due to my not using them. I really wish I could have physcial therapy to at least maintain, but the co-pays are just too much when combined with all of the other medical expenses. Same with therapy. That's another thing that's had to be tossed out the window. I'm too poor to get medical treatment and too "rich" to get any assistance. And top off that disaster with a dollop of apathy and exhaustion, and you have yourself a fine mess.

I am sorry for the negativity of this post. I was hoping to be an encouragement to you guys, and instead, here I sit whining. Please forgive me.