Wonder- Hillsong United

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Shuddering Thoughts

Last night I saw a truck back out of our driveway with lightning speed and disappear down the road....soundlessly.  The lack of sound did not come to me until later upon recall.  At the time I did not question that what I saw was real.

However, I then heard car doors slamming in my driveway.  Steps on my deck, voices outside my window.  When, heart pounding, I looked out the window into the darkness, my driveway lie silent and deserted in the moonlight.  Terror beset me.  My thoughts exploded with fearful surmises.  I tried to calm myself.  I said, "Cynthia, this is exactly the same kind of thing that was happening prior to your hospitalization last July."  But it did no good.  Fear was resident on the throne in my heart.

So I called Crisis.  Who else to call at 11:30pm?  The lady talked to me.  She made sense.  And she took the threats seriously....enough to suggest I call the police just to tell them my concerns. In the end, I felt better enough to go to sleep.

Today, visuals disturbed my knitting efforts.  I kept pulling myself away from the engineless cabooses of thought and tried to focus on the knitting and purling but it was a lost cause. Movies paraded before my eyes....silver herrings of thoughts flashed through my mind's corridors tripping me like strung wires at shoe level.

So what is going on?  Are my mental screws loosening?  Am I about to burst forth into alliteration and allegory?  I feel like I'm being stalked.  And that my capture is inevitable...just a matter of time and I'll be hoisted into foreign quarters where the walls are comprised of impermeable shadows.And escape is not guaranteed....because you see it seems that my "go to" medication is becoming ineffective and that is very bad news because none of the others did anything aside from making me fat.  What can that mean? I shudder to think.
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