the Crazies

All day long I've struggled to stay focused enough to do what I need to do.  Dinner was a disaster .  My knitting project (a bolster pillow for friends who are marrying on Sunday) is full of errors...because my thoughts are full of trailers.  Scenes of the coming attraction.  Only you are too tired from watching tv all day so you are on the verge of sleep and your thoughts veer right and left like a drunken truck driver into those wild areas of the nether worlds that precede sleep.  Only thing is...I'm not asleep  Nor am I tired.  And the movies I've watched all day are not on a screen.  My mind is on a bender without benefit of booze...hallucinogenic drugs make me trip and veer only, yeah.  I took no drugs.

so what?  What next?
Yes, I'm taking my medicine...the maximum dose of the only psychotropic that has ever helped me .At all.  Now suddenly it has failed me.  Do I just settle back and enjoy the movies? But what happens when I burn the house down because of distraction??  What happens when the delusionl thinking starts?  When the paranoia and terror begin?  What happens when my words stop adding up into any kind of sense.  see a person can't really stay comfortably insane.  Because that is a contradiction in terms.

There are two drugs, new ones, that I haven't tried. Today..no yesterday,...my psychiatrist told me a wonderful story of how Saphris snatched a very sick lady from the jaws of madness only to spit on her with an allergic reaction.  The other drug, Latuda, I've heard some good things about. Unfortunately both are new drugs and costly.  Even so, it's tempting to try them but what about having to go into the hospital to make the switch?  My husband is not for it.  It wasn't his idea.  So therefore he has negative feelings about it.

I don't know.  I'm inclined to do nothing.  And wait to see what happens.  Of course then I run a very big risk of losing all touch with reality. And that.  Is  a very bad idea.