Goodbye

Well, once again I have been reminded of the frailty of man...and it has been once more clear that the Lord is my only friend.  He is the only friend who will not  run when the going gets tough.  He is the one who gave me all these difficulties and challenges in my life....so it makes sense that he has the guts to stick by me in the midst of them.

So many friends (actually, every single friend I've ever had) has at some point come to me and said,  "Your life is too intense for me.  There is too much drama. I need to back out."  I have literally heard those words twenty times.....sometimes coming from the mouths of my very best friends.   And those words hurt  And the injustice of them hurts even more.  God gave me the road to walk that I walk.  And yes, my life does get intense.  But I cannot leave myself.  I cannot say "Scuse me God, but I can't handle this so could you give it to someone else please?"  And once again, there is no one to walk to road with me. Once again I am completely alone except for God.

Maybe it is my own fault.  Maybe I should have learned, twenty friends ago that I am simply unfriendable. That there is  no one on this earth tough enough to walk with me in friendship. It would have saved me many broken hearts if I'd learned that back then.  Well, as of now, this heart is closed.I am going to have to learn that Jesus is the lover of  my soul and no one else.  It takes someone special to befriend a physically challenged person.   It takes some one even more special to befriend  a person with schizophrenia. But the person does not exist who can befriend someone with both of those challenges.  It's a fact.  I just have to get myself to believe it and deal with it. And if you are one of those friends who has dumped me.....don't feel bad.  You're in good company.  I had some very good friends.....and every single one of them is gone.

Maybe God really just wants to draw close to me and walk me through some of this incredibly difficult stuff by holding hard and fast onto him and him alone.  I have needs.  All kinds of needs and honestly I don't  know how they are going to get met.  But maybe God wants me to know that HE is the supplier of all my needs.  "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother"  That verse bears some irony too because my brother is among those who have ditched me He has not spoken to me in 20 years.

The burden Jesus bore in Gethsemane was more than his friends could deal with too....and they all deserted him ..I know that pain.  I may not know the pain of being beaten or nailed to a cross but I know the pain of every single friend turning tail and running.

Jesus it's just you and me from here on out. I will no longer ever rely on a friend.  Ever.  There is a  verse, "Jesus did not trust his heart to them because he knew what was in the heart of men."  I''m kind of in that spot too.  I've got to stop opening my heart up and letting people come in and wreak havoc. I must be as wise as a viper and as harmless as a dove. I have to recognize the limitations of men and stop looking to them to meet the needs of my heart and soul.  And for the physical needs? God will have to provide a way there too.

So for now?  I'm so done.