I was just writing an email to my dad and I was talking to him about times past when I was loquacious and intelligent in my speech. Those were days without long silences while I struggled to think of something to say. I told him about how, when my daughter's friends read my writings and express interest in meeting me and conversing with me and she and I both thought: "No, you really wouldn't want that. She is not the same in person as she is in her writings." My writings are the last vestiges of a quick mind...a mind destroyed by ECT (shock treatments) and SZ (schizophrenia). SZ is a degenerative brain disease. Many people don't know that. They think it is an "emotional" problem. Like "Get yourself together and you can beat it." That would be lovely, wouldn't it?
But no, SZ means that the longer you live, the less gray matter you have to work with. As long as 20 years ago, my CT scans of my brain were beginning to show signs of serious degeneration. "Atrophy of brain cells" This "Atrophy" is not like a muscle which weakens from lack of use and like you can exercise and bring it back to health. No. This atrophy is like the loss of muscle on a paralyzed limb. Nothing can bring it back. It is gone. Dead. That's how my brain is.
Years ago, I had an IQ that fell within the "Genius" range. One time, as I was struggling to think and speak in the midst of a series of 15 bilateral ECT treatments, I said to my father, "Wow, it's such a good thing that I started out as a genius because if I went through this as an average person, it would leave me brain damaged" I did recover a little of what I'd lost in ECT and I have worked hard to maintain and use the brain I have left. I do Sudoku puzzles, read, and I really try hard to memorize passages of Scripture.....but if I don't constantly review them and challenge myself to quote them DAILY--they will be gone; erased from my memory bank.
Even in the five years or more since I wrote my book--which I have now taken off the market-- even since then, I can see ground that I have lost in my writing. I have to really edit closely because I make errors like word substitutions or suddenly change tenses mid-sentence, or I will leave a suffix off of a word. These are a the kind of errors that "spell check" will not pick up on....and even in my blogs and emails, where I have carefully edited, there are aberrations that I miss. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to edit another entire book. And also? I just don't have that much to say these days. That is why my blog posts come in spurts with long silences in between.
This morning I was feeling sad about my losses. I was mourning the slow death of my brain. And I read today's devotion by Joni Eareckson Tada who was talking about how Paul went through a time of hardship that he despaired of life itself....and Joni said that this, was in order that he could begin to fully rely on Christ Jesus (2 Corinthians 1:8-9. In her brief prayer with which she ends her blogs she said, "I learn from Paul’s words that relying on You is the bottom line in all of life. Suffering, perplexity, overwhelming circumstances, and even death itself are only temporary issues."
My mind gripped this sentence. God wants me to trust him. He will give me verbal and mental facility as I need it and when it serves his good purposes. But the best part? It's that word, "Temporary"--some day, maybe soon, I will regain my mental abilities and strength...as will every mentally challenged person who loves and trust in Jesus. And this includes those who have been incapable since birth or very young, to mentally grasp what faith in God is, as Scripture teaches it. These with IQ's of a small child are among those who will receive healing in Glory and will be able to think and to talk and to comprehend as well as the most intelligent person that the world has ever seen!!
And so will I.
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