Since last October when I had my most recent surgery on my ankle, and since my other ankle has been destroyed by this Rheumatoid Diseases (RA and PsA)--- I have been in such pain that I am almost completely unable to put weight on either of my ankles. Since God has seen fit to only give us two ankles, that means that I have been sorely challenged by this. I have been walking with forearm crutches at home and if I go out anywhere that entails only a small amount of walking. Otherwise, I am in my electric wheelchair or in my transport chair, with someone pushing me. When I use the forearm crutches it is horribly painful to walk but it is easier than walking without them.
My husband sees me gimp around gasping and crying out in pain....and he said to me "Why don't you get it fixed? Surely there is a doctor somewhere who could help you!" I don't know. Maybe there is, but my foot surgeon has told me that my feet and ankles are filled with destruction from these diseases...and there is no "fixing" this disease process. If it was one joint that was bad then maybe yes, it could be helped....but as you may know, the foot is filled with many joints. I really hold no hope that it can be helped.
So what does that mean? It means,for now, that I'm stuck in this recliner or my bed almost all of the time. It means that I must forgo any excursions or anything that involves walking or standing. It means that day follows painful day. And now also, my back has been very bad. My neck has severe stenosis as well as other problems and my lumbar spine has already had 6 surgeries and although it is horribly painful, nothing more can be done for it.
I have not yet wrapped my mind or heart around the "forever--as long as I shall live" part of the deal. I kind of have had the mind that I'm recovering from an injury and that, with time, it will improve. And maybe that is true...at least for my left foot which has had surgeries...but the right foot and the remaining joints in the left foot, are just still in the process of destruction. Short of a miracle, there is really no reason why they should stop being painful. And yes, I do ask God for that miracle, as have many prayer warriors in my church--with tears.
So why will God not relent?
Why does it feel like he is grinding me into the ground with his heel?
I just finished reading a book on lament entitled "Dark Clouds; Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop....Those last two sentences sound like they belong in a lament similar to those that Job uttered in his misery. I think I will write out a lament and present it to God....in faith that he will see and have mercy--And that mercy may or may not involve some relief from pain. Maybe all that this mercy will show me is that, this world will not last forever. Neither will this life nor this pain. And I must simply hold tightly to his hand and pray that that relief comes quickly. In his Forever Kingdom, pain will not exist or even be recalled.
What follows are the lyrics for the song "Highlands" by Hillsong United's newest release. This song has been "playing" over and over in my mind. There is some deep wisdom in it.
Whatever valley you are standing in; whatever mountain is in your way--keep climbing and keep praising. "No less God within the shadows"--He's there with you in your suffering as he is with me in mine.
My husband sees me gimp around gasping and crying out in pain....and he said to me "Why don't you get it fixed? Surely there is a doctor somewhere who could help you!" I don't know. Maybe there is, but my foot surgeon has told me that my feet and ankles are filled with destruction from these diseases...and there is no "fixing" this disease process. If it was one joint that was bad then maybe yes, it could be helped....but as you may know, the foot is filled with many joints. I really hold no hope that it can be helped.
So what does that mean? It means,for now, that I'm stuck in this recliner or my bed almost all of the time. It means that I must forgo any excursions or anything that involves walking or standing. It means that day follows painful day. And now also, my back has been very bad. My neck has severe stenosis as well as other problems and my lumbar spine has already had 6 surgeries and although it is horribly painful, nothing more can be done for it.
I have not yet wrapped my mind or heart around the "forever--as long as I shall live" part of the deal. I kind of have had the mind that I'm recovering from an injury and that, with time, it will improve. And maybe that is true...at least for my left foot which has had surgeries...but the right foot and the remaining joints in the left foot, are just still in the process of destruction. Short of a miracle, there is really no reason why they should stop being painful. And yes, I do ask God for that miracle, as have many prayer warriors in my church--with tears.
So why will God not relent?
Why does it feel like he is grinding me into the ground with his heel?
I just finished reading a book on lament entitled "Dark Clouds; Deep Mercy" by Mark Vroegop....Those last two sentences sound like they belong in a lament similar to those that Job uttered in his misery. I think I will write out a lament and present it to God....in faith that he will see and have mercy--And that mercy may or may not involve some relief from pain. Maybe all that this mercy will show me is that, this world will not last forever. Neither will this life nor this pain. And I must simply hold tightly to his hand and pray that that relief comes quickly. In his Forever Kingdom, pain will not exist or even be recalled.
What follows are the lyrics for the song "Highlands" by Hillsong United's newest release. This song has been "playing" over and over in my mind. There is some deep wisdom in it.
Whatever valley you are standing in; whatever mountain is in your way--keep climbing and keep praising. "No less God within the shadows"--He's there with you in your suffering as he is with me in mine.
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