God's Choice of a Warrior

Sometime recently I was burdened by the knowledge that I am accomplishing very little of worth except for enduring pain.  I guess God is honored when I deal with this without blaming Him for it....but really, I hate it that day after day and night after night that is ALL I accomplish.  So I wrote to my pastor who is a very good friend to me and I told him of my struggle with pointlessness.  He answered with a rather lengthy email that just inspired me and really helped to resolve a lot of my feelings about my sojourn in this dark, painful place and time in my life.

My pastor told me that I am gifted and called by God to be an intercessor.  Some years ago (10?) I was living and walking in that calling....spending many nights on my face on the floor of my bedroom praying all night long.  I was on the prayer team at church and saw many of my prayers answered - often in miraculous ways.  But then I had a mental breakdown/episode of schizophrenia and that really served to erode my confidence in myself and maybe even in God.  When I finally got my nerve up to pray aloud in church--i was tentative and self conscious...I stumbled and fumbled over and for my words. It was a sad, sad loss for me.

Slowly  I have been re-entering that mysterious and powerful realm of prayer. I've been attending the church's weekly prayer meeting and have gotten my nerve up to pray aloud with some brief moments of inspiration...but still a lot of self-consciousness and lack of assurance.

Well in this email from my pastor, he called me a "woman of faith", an "intercessor" and said that my prayer life is, alone, more than enough purpose for my existence.   He challenged me to press in and told me that one day I would see Jesus and understand and see the many answers to prayer that I had been unaware of in this life.

With this letter in mind I have become more intentional about my prayer times.  I have been praying twice a day in two dedicated blocks of time...as well as sentence prayers spoken throughout my days.  So on Saturday night I was praying for our church service on the next day.  Our numbers have been dwindling and giving has been reduced as a result.  It is critical that we grow in number if we are to   survive.  So on Saturday I prayed that there would be someone who would wake up on Sunday morning with the thought in their mind to attend our church--whereas prior to Sunday AM, they had no intention of attending.  And on  Sunday morning, I prayed that same prayer again.

Well  I was watching the service live on FB and at the end of the service Pastor welcomed people to join in the fellowship following the service....and it was then, that someone spoke  up and said she wanted to speak. And she proceeded to tell of her background and she said something that electrified me. She said when she went to bed on Saturday, she had no intention of coming to our church- or maybe to any church--and when she woke up on Sunday God CLEARLY put it on her heart that she must attend....and she must attend HERE, at Long Meadow Chapel.  She said God told her that she had no choice in the matter...it was HIS choice and she must obey.  And she spoke and told how the service moved her and met her need.  ! !!!

Well....that just excited me to no end.  How clearly God moved in response to my prayer...OR rather, how I prayed in response to God's purposes. It doesn't matter who  initiated the purpose...God and I worked in tandem to accomplish His desires and plans.

So yesterday afternoon, my Pastor came to my house for one last visit before he begins his Sabbatical this next week.  I told him of how God had answered my prayer and when he prayed with me when he was ready to leave, he asked God to use that answered prayer to light a fire in me and for me to begin to move in the power and gifting of the Holy Spirit.  And I think that God answered that prayer before he even prayed it.

I know now, that my mental breakdown and psychotic episode was an effort by Satan, that was almost successful, aimed at taking me OUT.  Out of his way. Out of God's army....aimed at removing this arrow out of God's quiver.  But God would not allow that effort to be totally or permanently successful...He allowed me to stumble around in the dark for the past decade--but He was working in all that time,  shoring up weak areas in my spirit and mind.  And yesterday's answer to pray, clearly and undoubtedly re-established my calling. God is listening.  He is listening to ME and He is ready and willing to allow me to work with Him and to work His purposes in me and through me.

This was not the only miraculous response to my prayers in the past recent years....There have been a lot of others....but this one for some reason was so clearly and specifically in reply to my request, I just feel that nothing else could have been possibly behind it but my prayer and God's response.  So whether or not the Enemy likes it---I am back. And I am going to do my best to work with God and destroy Satan's plans and schemes.