At around 3:00 AM the night seemed to endlessly stretch before me. I decided to watch a movie on NetFlix---I chose a movie (Same Kind of Different as Me) which is a book my dad recommended but which I was unable to get interested in. The movie, however was great. I cried several times. The best part of it was that it took my mind off the hell I'm in physically right now. However since then pain has escalated so that I don't think "movie therapy" would really work right now.
Do you know what "an albatross around the neck means?" The phrase alludes to Samuel Taylor Coleridge's poem “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” in which a sailor who shoots a friendly albatross, is forced to wear its carcass around his neck as punishment. And I think if I tried to watch a movie now, that albatross would block my view. I don't know if that image is really appropriate for my situation because I don't know of any unforgiven sin I'm having to pay for. Maybe my pain is one of the burdens Christian was lugging around in "Pilgrim's Progress" but again...not quite right because all Christian had to do was let go of the stinking thing and then he was unhindered. I have let go of every encumbrance that I know of, and I am still struggling.
The author of Hebrews writes; ...let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.(chapter 12 verse 1)
Please note that it is not the pain itself that is sinful...but it is a part of this sin -cursed world. It is not a sin....but self pity and rage at God are sinful. And I believe that whining can also be in that category. It is this type of sin that we are urged to be rid of. And notice the verse in Hebrews 12 says that the sin so easily entangles us. I just got an image in my mind. Have you ever seen fishermen who use nets, untangling them by laying them out on the beach. What if a jogger happened by and attempted to jog his way over and through the nets. It would be EASY to get tripped up, don't you think? I think this is the kind of picture this verse is drawing for us.
Folks, would you pray for me? Not only that God would heal me, but even more so, that I would be able to "run" without tripping over my own stinky attitudes, without comparing my life or health with someone else who is not ill, without falling into the "Slough of Despond" (back to Pilgrim's Progress). I struggle with clinical depression and although I have been well managed with an anti-depressant, in the past three days I have had to consciously fight the darkness that clouds my view of the Father and His plans for me. And pray that I would nip every whining complaint in the bud. I have my eyes on that finish line....The next verse in Heb. 12 says this:
We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.
Jesus, in His suffering for us, kept His eyes FIXED on His goal and pleasing His Father and rescuing all of us who are drowning in sin. And now, we are to fix our gaze on Jesus and know that He is polishing us to a beautiful shine. Colossions 3 says that we are to fix our gaze on the things of Heaven and Eternity...not on our circumstances, not on our pain, not on our jobs, not on our failures. We are to fixate on what is to come....and not to let any knotted, tangled nets make us stumble and keep us from reaching that which is to come.
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