A Flare—and a Faith

Beginning last Wed late afternoon, I felt the all-too-familiar extreme fatigue and the sharp increase in pain which signals a flare of the PsA (Psoriatic Arthritis)…Sure enough I spent most of Thursday sleeping and avoiding contact between the floor and my excruciating feet/ankles/lower legs.  My hands hurt so much that typing was difficult. Shoulders were very bad as were elbows and wrists.  Getting myself food to eat and keeping my room something less than a total disaster area was all I could manage. For several days I either stayed in my nightgown all day or I slept in my clothes.  I badly needed a shower but that was just beyond the scope of my abilities. And the flare is still quite evident, although perhaps slightly better today, (Saturday) All of that led up to what I want to write about today.
 

This morning I thought about my life.  I have just ordered a powered wheelchair—after much debate and internal struggles. At this point it will mostly be used when my dad takes me to MD appointments or out shopping. I rely on my father SO much and he is almost 80.  For how much longer will he be able to help me?  If I need a ride, if I need something  from a store…if I have to put something together…it’s always been DAD who is the go-to man. Today I prayed a prayer common for me, “Lord, PLEASE call for me to join you before you call for my father!”

I felt overwhelmed today by my disability and neediness.  And by the fact that I have very few resources to meet those needs in my life. I started to panic.  Here I am with all the sheets and blankets falling off my mattress and no one to help me fix them for another week.  It won’t be the first time I’ve slept on the bare mattress cover. And it won’t be the last. I have dishes in the sink that I just cannot get through…I’ve done some of them every day…but the pile remains!    Today I have a grocery delivery and must somehow figure out a way to get them all put away despite my inability to stand more than a minute or two.

And just now I read my book of Affirmations.  NO these aren’t like the “I’m so wonderful” affirmations that are popular these days.  These are “GOD is so wonderful" affirmations.  I think I’d put a post in here with some of them listed.  Well, they always help me when I am in a panic.  And today was no exception. My favorite one is “You do not walk into a dark future alone and without provision.” But today this one called to me, “Prayer is not to inform God of our need; It is to thank Him for meeting it.” And then was written “Matthew 6:32” which is part of Jesus’s talk on the mountain with his disciples when he talked about worry.  The verse says this: 

^“ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.”

That brought to mind two things: 1) what my lovely friend, Esther Krueger – who went to be with Jesus a few years ago—told me about the “new” way she had learned to pray.  She said, “No, I never ask for anything from God anymore!  I just thank him for already giving it to me.” (this is NOT meant as a health and wealth gospel would interpret it.)  Esther said, “He KNOWS what I need better than I do and a lot of times he also gives me my wants as well.”  This was a lady whose two legs had been amputated and who was in very poor health.  But she knew her Jesus and she was a shining light to all who met her. But all that aside….

This brings me to part 2) of what God was showing me. Remember the question God had been whispering in my soul in the past months? (I wrote about it--search “do you trust me?” or look for the post of that name).  He said, “do you trust me?” in moments of great angst and need; in times when I face the unknown.  And he has proven himself to me (as if he ever really needed to do that!! He is God and I am NOT.)  This whole question of trust has been so pivotal to me lately.  And why? What does it show me? That God is faithful to meet my needs and I do not have to waste one moment on worry, fear, or panic.

Today’s God-Box verse is “Be not afraid. Neither be dismayed for the Lord your God is with you wherever you may go.” Joshua 1:9.

So, all of these factors lined up in my head and in my heart and I predict that my prayers are going to be a whole lot different now. I am going to train my heart to pray like Esther prayed…and I’m going to start off each prayer with “yes, Lord, I trust You.”