In the past two weeks, I was very busy...I was out and about pretty much every day. And then came last Wednesday. On that day I was out most of the day and then made it home in time to go to our weekly prayer gathering: "Refuel." I was in pain. My ankles are indescribably painful when I'm standing or walking ....and if I've been doing too much of that, they don't stop hurting when I am seated or lying down. My shoulders: one is bone on bone (needing replacement) and the other WAS replaced but my rotator cuff is torn to pieces and the replacement has failed. Both shoulders are exceedingly painful. To top it off--my spine is a complete mess. My MRI reports for my C-Spine (neck) and L-Spine (Lumbar, or lower back) were about 7 or 8 pages each one....describing level by level, vertebra by vertebra the damage and disease to be found there. It is too far gone for surgery....All they can do is "Palliative Care" -- which means pain management and possibly PT for heat, massage etc....all geared to reducing pain. However, as I've discussed here, pain medication is no longer an option for me, as it causes dementia-like confusion in me for days following a single dose.
Believe me --there have been times when I was "sorely" tempted to fling common sense to the winds and take the med anyway. Last Wednesday night was one of those times. The prayer meeting was 2 hours long....and afterward, everyone stood around talking for another half hour. I couldn't see straight as I was in so much pain. And I had yet to ascend those cursed 6 steps to get up onto our deck and in the door at my house. That night I crawled into bed and as my body attempted to relax into the straightness of the mattress beneath me, pain in my neck and spine was completely unmanageable. Tears came....and I am no crier. That was a long wakeful night - despite my complete exhaustion. At some point I emailed my pastor hoping maybe his prayers would be heard more than mine :/ I was up almost the entire night. I'm not positive but I think there was a half hour or so when exhaustion trumped pain.
It was during that night and the pain-filled ensuing days that I came to a realization.: I cannot leave my house and go up and down those steps every day. I cannot walk through stores. I cannot go for a whole day without rest. I realized that my days of daily social interactions were over....unless it was via the internet. I did go out briefly on Saturday to the grocery store to purchase some produce.
Aside from rest, I decided that my diet needed help. Not even so much to lose weight (although that would be wonderful) but just that the foods I was eating were all contributing to the inflammation in my body. I have watched several videos in the past week talking about autoimmune disease and our dietary lifestyle...and also how important it is to feed our gut properly...with Prebiotic and Probiotic foods and no more processed foods... I have a freezer full of processed foods and I decided not to throw them out but rather to combine them with large portions of vegetables and salad etc.
Today the devotion on CBN's website was on the topic of Loss. I've really been feeling that sense to a large degree this week. I would love to go out for a walk. Even better: a run. I would love to hop in my car and visit one or two farmers' markets. I wish I was free of pain so that I could attend church and the bonfire at the pastor's house. But no. God has stripped my life of these freedoms. Just like Paul was "a prisoner for the Lord" so, too, am I. I have been grieving this. But also I am trying to nestle down into this very little house and make good use of my time. I need to pray more, memorize more, keep my brain in shape because I know from experience, that mental inactivity is death to our brain cells. I used to be very bright with an IQ in the 160's. But it is not up there anymore. Illness and emptiness and loneliness have slowed my brain to a crawl and greatly diminished my ability to retain and access information. But I have hope. I read a book by Dr Caroline Leaf (https://www.amazon.com/Dr.-Caroline-Leaf/e/B00LZ81T8I/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1 ) that gave me hope. She does not believe that the brain is incapable of reclaiming lost ability and capacity. She does not believe that it is not plastic and cannot be changed. I want to read more of her books. The one I read was "Who Switched Off My Brain?"
Now one might ask: "Why do you want to lose weight and reclaim your brain power---if you are stuck in this house and rarely see anyone? What does it matter?" It's a valid question. And it is one that I have considered. Yes, I could Twinkie myself into oblivion and no one would really be the wiser. But that is not and never has been my "MO"--I have always striven to be the best I could be. Even when in a black, suicidal depression I worked at a group home and I attended college and maintained a 4.0 GPA....even though this life was not something that held much value to me---I still was an over-achiever. A perfectionist. And as long as I was living and breathing---I intended to make the best of things. I'm not patting myself on the back. This is simply the way God wired me and the way he habituated me to function.
So for what purpose is God setting me apart? It may be to write more. It may be to disciple people via the internet. It may be to give to people in need. It may be to be friends with the friend-less. I know that a lot of that will be done from my bed and the rest from my recliner. But the eating habits....what do they matter? I really do not have a long life as one of my goals. Were the Lord to call me to His side tomorrow or today, I would run there...more than willingly. I believe that my brain needs to function at its peak level of performance. And I believe that that can only be done by eating well. I am not going to go nuts and -for example-refuse to eat something someone has cooked for me. I am not going to spend tons of money on supplements etc.. I'm using common sense and merely ADDING to my diet things of which it has been previously deficient.
My husband made a good point once in his cardiac diet: Even if I only do 50% better...it is still 50% better than it was. It doesn't have to be 100% in order for it to work. Now, Dr Fuhrman may have some objections to that philosophy but his program is extreme and very difficult to follow. If you can do it, then God bless you.
I believe that our bodies and our health are gifts to us from God. And with the receiving of those gifts comes an unspoken commitment that we are to make to seek to care for these bodies properly and to exercise our minds as well. If no one ever sees my body--God does, and it is in Him that I "live and move and have my being." ( "for in Him we live and move and have our being, as also some of your own poets have said, ‘For we are also His offspring.’ " Acts 17:28 NKJV)
I admit, there are times when I feel discouraged and like "Why do I even care?....I will just end up back in the hospital on steroids and back will come another 50lbs." That is not only disheartening--it is very true. And the fact that I live on the wrong side of 200lbs. must be qualified by understanding that if I did not try so hard with every 50 lb steroid gain to lose it---then I would be living on the wrong side of 500 lb....And THEREFORE, my 200lbs is a great victory. Because I have lost that much in my life...close to 300 lb. So while you may look at me and think: "Ugh, does she use a shovel to eat?" the truth is very different....and as long as GOD knows that, it should not bother me what anyone else thinks.
So I apologize if this post has come off sounding like "hip=hip=hooray for ME!" I am sorry. I am not only talking to you. I am talking to myself. I'm tempted to give up. I'm tempted to just eat for pleasure and let nutrition take a hike. I'm tempted to fling the scales (which just told me I gained two pounds, despite eating nothing but veggies for three days.) right out the window into the yard. I'm tempted to pop pain meds and not worry about the fact that it is functional suicide. I'm tempted to lay down in my bed and never get up again.
But I cannot disappoint my Lord like that. God has put me on this road. It's either I walk, or refuse--just sit down in the middle of the path and say "I don't care anymore. I QUIT" It is not you I would disappoint...it is Y'shua who has promised to walk the path with me. He has promised to carry me on his shoulders when I can no longer take another step. He beckons me to follow. I cannot say "no" to him. If I want his company, then I must keep up with him as he walks with me. It is true that he has given me feet like a deer in the high, steep places where he calls me to walk. (2 Sam 22:34, Ps 18:33, Hab. 3:19 ...God says this promise in THREE places in Scripture!!)
So. Eyes to you now.
If God is giving you circumstances that you feel are impossible for you to navigate; if he is calling you into a future that looks dark and difficult; if you are facing pain with the sense your reserves and strength seem too small to endure, if you are alone day in and day out....I do understand. I am right there with you. But my GOD also understands...and he is right there with you too. If you do not feel like you know him in the ways I have described him to be or if you are unsure of your relationship with him....or if you would just like more answers...please contact me and I will pray with you and for you....and do my best to answer your questions. (cynthialottvogel at gmaildotcom.)
Go with God and be blessed today.
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