We shopped for a few items I needed and went to a creamery an hour away for the 2nd best ice cream in the country--and it really is. Well I never tasted the best, but second place is plenty good enough for me :) . Then on another day we went to a diner and I had lobster bisque in a bread bowl. My dad thinks all I think about is food. That's because of two reasons: 1) I do not cook anymore and therefore I eat frozen dinners so when someone cooks for me for a week you better believe I love it. and 2) When you are as limited as I am in your life, well getting out to go food shopping or even to a restaurant is a big deal (and sometimes impossible). I do get out to eat with friends sometimes. But there are only so many times when you can eat in a local diner before you are wishing for something else. Aren't we spoiled? I know people who live in other countries who live on fish heads and rice who would LOVE to eat at a diner. Forgive me Lord for my ingratitude for the blessings in my life.
I have been hurting. (as my husband so lovingly says: "So what else is new?") It's true. After a while it gets old. It gets old to me too, believe me. After maybe 6 months on Remicade--and now seeing me in the midst of my 5th UTI in that span of time, and me still in terrible pain in all of my joints, my rheumatologist decided once again to try another med. Believe me there are precious few left to try. In fact, this may be my very last chance. My rheum also wants me to go on Prednisone for the next few months. I confess--I took it two or three times and was reminded of all of the reasons I hate that meed--and I stopped taking it. Yes, it means living with more pain....but somehow--for me--pain is better than weight gain and bad skin and insomnia, ravenous hunger, etc..
OK. maybe it's not. But it's what I'm used to. It's like--someone called and wanted to go out to dinner--and my ankles and feet and back hurt so badly I'd been procrastinating what had become an urgent need for the bathroom--and I agreed to go out. And each time this happens, I wonder how I'm going to endure it.....The trip down the 6 deck steps, and up the steps or ramp to the restaurant.....I don't know how I will bear it. But I do. But I don't think I will be doing it for much longer. It's just really not worth it.
I've been saving up money to buy an electric wheelchair that is only 40 lbs weight and it folds up nicely to fit in a car. I spoke to one of my old physical therapists and she tried to put a damper on it. I know she doesn't think I need it. But I've really gone downhill since I worked with her over 2 years ago. Pain has very much escalated in my ankles and feet. Also my (artificial) hips have been acting up as well. But mostly it's my ankles and my back that make it impossible to stand and to walk. And because my shoulder, elbows, wrists and hands are so bad, I can no longer self-propel a wheelchair. Who is to tell me that I don't hurt enough to need such a thing? If it buys me some comfort and independence, I don't see a problem with it. Is there some kind of holiness to enduring the unendurable? I've stopped taking pain meds---so I'm holy enough.
I'm sorry for the lack of insight in this post. I didn't have anything pressing to discuss--but I didn't want you to go away empty-handed. I haven't forgotten you all...I think I need to spend some time in prayer and meditation...maybe then something will arise. I have been reading three chapters a day according to the Bible reading plan on CBN's website (http://www1.cbn.com/devotions ) I don't espouse everything on CBN but their devotions and Bible Reading plan are wonderful.
Thank you once again for reading!
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