(a note: for those of you who got your hands on an early version of this post, I want to beg forgiveness.I said some inexcusable things and I apologize....I have edited the post and wish to retract the one that went out to people's emails or to those of you who saw it early one. Sometimes I can be such a jerk!)
You know where I am most uncomfortable? It's in a group of women...especially a group of laughing/giggling women. I attended a Women of Faith conference once in New Haven. I was sick as a dog with bronchitis. I was standing (barely) when they stood to sing songs but I was unable to sing....couldn't even breathe because of my asthma..and
some woman poked in my in the back and hissed "SING!"Did I turn around and give her the finger? No I didn't...but believe me: I wanted to.
At one time I joined the group of woman bloggers and was immediately out of my element. It was a group of homeschooling, baby-toting, recipe-trading sacks of walking estrogen. I immediately got more blog traffic, which soon dwindled as on my blog they found an estrogen-free zone and they found thatI'm not always Holy and Sweet.
...Please understand. I still read Lysa Terhearst and Ann Voskamp....I love my sweet friend Sara (Gitzen Girl)Frankl who, frequented these websites, wrote for them and hung out with virtual friends who crossed the line and went from "vitual" to "real life" friendships...Sara was an exception...a marvelous woman with the ability to laugh and giggle and yes also to speak and write in a depth born only of suffering. I will miss her always...among the thousands of her other friends who think of her often and pray she is healthy and happy in the heaven she inhabits with her Lord.
I hope I do not offend anyone by this post. I also am friends with some such women and love them very much, I think my feelings about these ladies were birthed in my schooldays...when the giggling lovelies had all kinds of plans for after school or study hall fun...and well, I was not included. These were the years when my mental illness was just beginning to be manifested and I was being taken from doctor to doctor,...no time or desire for parties.I loved school...the work, the art room...but never ever any parties except for three graduation parties...and two of those were at the homes of male friends. I'm not a Tomboy...I am 100% female.Except for my brain which I am certain is a male brain. I am HORRIBLY uncomfortable in a room of snorting and giggles.And now am uncomfortable in a room full of preggo moms, dirty diapers, homeschooling women...of course now I'm old enough to be the MOM of these women...is that possible? Maybe my discomfiture is the result of being older (more mature) than these sweet girls. Truth is...the women who ARE my age dye their hair and get manicures weekly so they PASS for the 30-something that they no longer are. Me? I just let the years show...hair au natural, fingernails chipped and broken. Dry feet...altogether "YUCK"....getting DRESSED for me is a huge accomplishment....the rest will have to swing.
For me, whose life consists of managing pain and a body that no longer cooperates with exercises or even walking across my own house--I deal with loneliness daily. I am more than a little jealous of the life Sara Frankl had....Yes she suffered. So do I...and I have three diseases of the type she had.But Sara was FUN according to everything I've read. The only people I'm FUN with are my daughter and her boyfriends. Why is that? Well largely because I live in the midst of a heartbreakingly miserable marriage. And every single day there is pain and that is a joy sucker as well.
I've invited some people over to drink of my immense collection of teas...so far two people have come....at one time I tried to start a Tea and Prayer group...we met two or three times and other than admiring the refreshments and tea accoutrements and the variety of teas...there was a LOT of chit chat and very LITTLE prayer.
Maybe the problem was that I am not a real P31 woman...who am I then?I think I am Mary of the Mary/Martha/Lazarus trio.The Mary of the broken alabaster box of pure nard,,,That's the Mary who loved deeply -the Lord and her brother Lazarus ...and the Master: Jesus.Mary with the heart broken by love, who sat at the Master's feet and anointed them with tears and wiped them with hair..
Mary who believed Jesus would heal and was not understanding when he did not...until she saw that he did not intend to heal...he intended to restore lost life.I think this is the woman I identify most with...And also Abigail the wife of King David who was married to an cruel idiot who died...and then married by David...only to watch David fall in love with Bathsheba (unless Abigail was already dead herself by then.) Abigail worked hard and thought hard and was handsomely rewarded (the play on words was intentional).
So am I giving these women a bad rap? Maybe they are just young. Maybe they are just in a different life phase than I. Maybe I am just jealous.I do not fit in.Maybe they are holier than I. Maybe I am just jealous because their hardships seem like vacations to me. I don't know. I do get the sense of being left out...a Hagar crying under a bush, abandoned by her husband and his wife....and yet not abandoned by God...the God Who Sees Me. Yahweh el roi
Or maybe I am just really a female brand of Job. My husband says "curse God and die" and I groan in my pain and say "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."
Honestly the story of Job fits my life more truly than the lives of the mentioned women.
I would like a friend. A friend-- not to suck the life out of them or treat them like a chauffeur.--A friend to drink tea with, go shopping with...tell secrets to...and ok...giggle with. There just don't seem to be any takers....maybe people are just too busy to have friends or maybe I will have to settle for my online friends. real people in real places...all far away.And trust God-- to worship and adore him. It wouldn't hurt though to pray for a friend.A real life woman enough like me to commune and enough different than me to add interest and spice. Or maybe I DO have friends. It's just that they are all so danged busy.
For those of you who consider yourselves to be my friends: You are! I was just trying to decide whether or not to join an online Biblestudy led by these P31W and I got carried away on the wings of jealousy...and overlooked the blessings I have right at my feet...in my own life. God will reward each of you for the time you've given me and the laughs we've shared together. Please forgive me for my jealous words. I've forgotten to be grateful for what God has given me and I will be forever grateful for my 21 year old daughter who is the best friend I will ever have. Envy and discontent are ugly, aren't they? I will try to relegate them to the depths of the sea where they belong with all our other confessed sins.
You know where I am most uncomfortable? It's in a group of women...especially a group of laughing/giggling women. I attended a Women of Faith conference once in New Haven. I was sick as a dog with bronchitis. I was standing (barely) when they stood to sing songs but I was unable to sing....couldn't even breathe because of my asthma..and
some woman poked in my in the back and hissed "SING!"Did I turn around and give her the finger? No I didn't...but believe me: I wanted to.
...Please understand. I still read Lysa Terhearst and Ann Voskamp....I love my sweet friend Sara (Gitzen Girl)Frankl who, frequented these websites, wrote for them and hung out with virtual friends who crossed the line and went from "vitual" to "real life" friendships...Sara was an exception...a marvelous woman with the ability to laugh and giggle and yes also to speak and write in a depth born only of suffering. I will miss her always...among the thousands of her other friends who think of her often and pray she is healthy and happy in the heaven she inhabits with her Lord.
I hope I do not offend anyone by this post. I also am friends with some such women and love them very much, I think my feelings about these ladies were birthed in my schooldays...when the giggling lovelies had all kinds of plans for after school or study hall fun...and well, I was not included. These were the years when my mental illness was just beginning to be manifested and I was being taken from doctor to doctor,...no time or desire for parties.I loved school...the work, the art room...but never ever any parties except for three graduation parties...and two of those were at the homes of male friends. I'm not a Tomboy...I am 100% female.Except for my brain which I am certain is a male brain. I am HORRIBLY uncomfortable in a room of snorting and giggles.And now am uncomfortable in a room full of preggo moms, dirty diapers, homeschooling women...of course now I'm old enough to be the MOM of these women...is that possible? Maybe my discomfiture is the result of being older (more mature) than these sweet girls. Truth is...the women who ARE my age dye their hair and get manicures weekly so they PASS for the 30-something that they no longer are. Me? I just let the years show...hair au natural, fingernails chipped and broken. Dry feet...altogether "YUCK"....getting DRESSED for me is a huge accomplishment....the rest will have to swing.
For me, whose life consists of managing pain and a body that no longer cooperates with exercises or even walking across my own house--I deal with loneliness daily. I am more than a little jealous of the life Sara Frankl had....Yes she suffered. So do I...and I have three diseases of the type she had.But Sara was FUN according to everything I've read. The only people I'm FUN with are my daughter and her boyfriends. Why is that? Well largely because I live in the midst of a heartbreakingly miserable marriage. And every single day there is pain and that is a joy sucker as well.
I've invited some people over to drink of my immense collection of teas...so far two people have come....at one time I tried to start a Tea and Prayer group...we met two or three times and other than admiring the refreshments and tea accoutrements and the variety of teas...there was a LOT of chit chat and very LITTLE prayer.
Maybe the problem was that I am not a real P31 woman...who am I then?I think I am Mary of the Mary/Martha/Lazarus trio.The Mary of the broken alabaster box of pure nard,,,That's the Mary who loved deeply -the Lord and her brother Lazarus ...and the Master: Jesus.Mary with the heart broken by love, who sat at the Master's feet and anointed them with tears and wiped them with hair..
Mary who believed Jesus would heal and was not understanding when he did not...until she saw that he did not intend to heal...he intended to restore lost life.I think this is the woman I identify most with...And also Abigail the wife of King David who was married to an cruel idiot who died...and then married by David...only to watch David fall in love with Bathsheba (unless Abigail was already dead herself by then.) Abigail worked hard and thought hard and was handsomely rewarded (the play on words was intentional).
So am I giving these women a bad rap? Maybe they are just young. Maybe they are just in a different life phase than I. Maybe I am just jealous.I do not fit in.Maybe they are holier than I. Maybe I am just jealous because their hardships seem like vacations to me. I don't know. I do get the sense of being left out...a Hagar crying under a bush, abandoned by her husband and his wife....and yet not abandoned by God...the God Who Sees Me. Yahweh el roi
Or maybe I am just really a female brand of Job. My husband says "curse God and die" and I groan in my pain and say "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."
Honestly the story of Job fits my life more truly than the lives of the mentioned women.
I would like a friend. A friend-- not to suck the life out of them or treat them like a chauffeur.--A friend to drink tea with, go shopping with...tell secrets to...and ok...giggle with. There just don't seem to be any takers....maybe people are just too busy to have friends or maybe I will have to settle for my online friends. real people in real places...all far away.And trust God-- to worship and adore him. It wouldn't hurt though to pray for a friend.A real life woman enough like me to commune and enough different than me to add interest and spice. Or maybe I DO have friends. It's just that they are all so danged busy.
For those of you who consider yourselves to be my friends: You are! I was just trying to decide whether or not to join an online Biblestudy led by these P31W and I got carried away on the wings of jealousy...and overlooked the blessings I have right at my feet...in my own life. God will reward each of you for the time you've given me and the laughs we've shared together. Please forgive me for my jealous words. I've forgotten to be grateful for what God has given me and I will be forever grateful for my 21 year old daughter who is the best friend I will ever have. Envy and discontent are ugly, aren't they? I will try to relegate them to the depths of the sea where they belong with all our other confessed sins.
2 comments:
Ah Cynthia,
You are loved. I know that you know. It isn't easy. I appreciate your candidness. I hadn't read the other unedited version. Yes. We are far in distance but I relate well to some of the things you have written. :) You are beautiful. No need for colored hair and manicures! If you ever want to get one, fine! If you don't, that is fine too (says the woman who gave up on highlighting my hair a few years back, rarely wears make-up anymore and had my first pedicure last year on Mother's Day! Our Daughter Autumn is such a similar gift to me. She lives far away right now. I am thankful for Skype. :) Let's "real life" chat sometime, whether through Skype or phone. It has been a while.
Love,
Nancy
PS This isn't really anonymous. I just don't have the time in the moment to figure out my gmail info to log in with!
hi Nancy,
Thank you for your kind words.I would love to chat with you sometime....I'm a horrible "Skyper"...I'm way too self conscious. I rarely even use the phone although I would prefer that to Skype. PM your phone # to me on FB..and I will call you. Let me know when is a good time.
I'm glad my words speak to you. Sometimes I just spew them out and then have to take some of them back and apologize....I really should write a rough draft and live with it for a day or two before hitting the "publish" button.
Have yourself a blessed Lord's Day tomorrow.
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