Today I've been stressed...and I've been at peace...."Not as the world has" is the peace I've been given. My mom is back in the hospital...she's literally spent more time in the past years as an inpatient compared to being at home. She is not doing well and I would ask you to please pray for her. I''ve spent today trying to get a ride to the hospital to see her. To no avail. I guess it wasn't meant to be. I keep thinking "What if this is the last chance I have to see her?" That's a sad thought...and one that keeps going round my head.
And then my mom told me of a problem my dad has been having that she feels may have been caused by a stroke.
And my husband is not well either ....nor is he taking care of himself.
I don't know what to do about this....because all of it is in God's hands - not my own. And this fact may be my only hope...my only respite....my only rest..my only hope.
The biggest prayer I have been praying is for me to make it to heaven's doors before the rest of my family. I think every one has been steeling themselves to that possibility for years now....I feel like it would not take much for that to happen and that they could handle it because they been thinking of it for so long.
As I laid here. I talked to Jesus and asked him to just have the grace and the strength to just make it through today...in terms of giving me strength and peace. For me? I'm done. I've had enough and am crying "Uncle" -- just make it stop Lord. I do long for heaven...but I know that to get there I have to serve the years of this life sentence until the Lord God gives the word. "come"....It does no good to think of suicide...I think I've been cured forever from acting on a death wish...because God has proven to me that attempts at suicide or not...NOTHING will get me to the end of my life without the father's say-so.
(later) after a time in prayer, my anxiety lifted...and that without an Ativan.
I just got home ---a friend of mine kindly took me to visit my mom (and then my dad also arrived)... It was good to see them both and I think my fears were alleviated a bit. Especially regarding my dad. Turns out he HAD already seen a doctor and gotten a diagnosis...which was not a great one to have but certainly beats out a stroke.
Sorry for this long, rambling entry....just wanted to give you some insight into what's going on here
And then my mom told me of a problem my dad has been having that she feels may have been caused by a stroke.
And my husband is not well either ....nor is he taking care of himself.
I don't know what to do about this....because all of it is in God's hands - not my own. And this fact may be my only hope...my only respite....my only rest..my only hope.
The biggest prayer I have been praying is for me to make it to heaven's doors before the rest of my family. I think every one has been steeling themselves to that possibility for years now....I feel like it would not take much for that to happen and that they could handle it because they been thinking of it for so long.
As I laid here. I talked to Jesus and asked him to just have the grace and the strength to just make it through today...in terms of giving me strength and peace. For me? I'm done. I've had enough and am crying "Uncle" -- just make it stop Lord. I do long for heaven...but I know that to get there I have to serve the years of this life sentence until the Lord God gives the word. "come"....It does no good to think of suicide...I think I've been cured forever from acting on a death wish...because God has proven to me that attempts at suicide or not...NOTHING will get me to the end of my life without the father's say-so.
(later) after a time in prayer, my anxiety lifted...and that without an Ativan.
I just got home ---a friend of mine kindly took me to visit my mom (and then my dad also arrived)... It was good to see them both and I think my fears were alleviated a bit. Especially regarding my dad. Turns out he HAD already seen a doctor and gotten a diagnosis...which was not a great one to have but certainly beats out a stroke.
Sorry for this long, rambling entry....just wanted to give you some insight into what's going on here
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