I know my writing has been sparse lately. Please forgive me if you've checked only to find nothing new here. I've been dealing with more pain in my arms. I finally caved in and admitted that I need to stop procrastinating and to start being proactive with this issue. I have scheduled my shoulder to have a total shoulder replacement. I've had major surgeries before...on my hips alone I've had 4 replacement surgeries in the past two years. And while that's difficult and it carried risk also; those surgeries did not strike fear in me the way this surgery does. I've heard both doctors and patients say this is the worst surgery to go through. Not only does the surgery hurt but the rehab for it is excruciating.... and LOOONNG. 12 Weeks of complete disability.
What's going on in my head?? Not too much that doesn't already belong there. I'm not sure when my brain cleared up. I'm thinking it was somewhere in the midst of my 6 day fast. Is there a connection there? I'm sure Dr Fuhrman would say "yes--the fact that your mind cleared was due to the purification of the fast." But I don't know what the true reason is. A more acceptable reason would be that God heard the cries of my heart in the midst of my fast and he answered my pleas. Tomorrow at 10:00 AM I am have a time of pray with a pastor friend and another woman from my church who is a prayer warrior. They are coming to my house tomorrow at 10:00 and the three of us will pray in one accord that God would heal me. I have three maladies that I would like to lay before God. Now here comes the hard question. Am I READY to be healed? In other words, what would my life look like if it were minus some issues? What would a day be like without pain? It seems easy to say, "it would be wonderful!" but it would also be terrifying. What if I needed to go back to work and was able to go and succeed. That thought honestly scares me.... I haven't worked in years. And I think that my mental illness is as big a factor in my lack of ability as my physical illnesses are. And how will I know if I've been healed or not? It would take time and trial by fire to know for sure.
So then, what do I hope to achieve in tomorrow's prayer time?
1) I would like a definitive "yes" or "no" in terms of an answer. I want to be assured that this is where God has me for a purpose that only he knows so I could know once and for all that this is where God wants me...or does he have some other purpose in my life? (And it would be GREAT if he would somehow clarify that purpose for me.) Ie: does God want me to KEEP ON PRAYING for healing or am I to be satisfied like Paul that his strength will accomplish and keep me in my weakness and demonstrate himself to be strong and for me just to accept God's answer once and for all.
2) I would beseech God to show me something of his purpose through my suffering. Is there some way on earth that my illness is playing a role in God's purposes? Or would healing bring him more glory. I'm tired of being on the sidelines and not being "in the game" Does God have me on the sidelines to minister to others some how? Just to bring him glory in the way I suffer --doing whatever God has ordained me to do there, ministering to other sufferers.....and demonstrating the greatness and immensity of God by being my source of help and salvation.
3) and finally: Am I ready to be healed? Sort of sounds like a stupid question..,,but I've gone for all these years praying and being prayed FOR . and I've had to resign myself to unanswered prayer. I 've had to kind of look at my life and come to a peace between myself and my infirmities while I tried to explain God's possible reasons for not "coming through" and answering my prayers. Is there some part of me that is NOT ready to unearth those answers and to dig up my dead hopes for them to be dashed once more. Or is there some part of me that is comfortable being dead. Life demands much more from me well than it does being sick.
When I look at my life...any given day...I deal with unspeakable, unbearable pain. I can no longer imagine my life without pain. Or without hallucinations== And that unknown part of healing is something that raises dis-ease in me. I'm sort of like the man at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus asked him, 'Do you want to be healed?' And the man immediately launches into a reason why he has not been healed before. He never does answer Jesus's question....probably because sickness was all he'd ever known. And he'd turned it into a career...He probably was not sure how he felt about being healed. And how did Jesus leave him? With the words, "go and sin no more, or something worse may happen to you.." What was his sin? Making money off of his illness? Did something happen to him as a result of something sinful that he did which resulted in his disability?
Elsewhere in the Gospels Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man answers "Lord I want to regain my sight"...and Jesus heals him...Both men regain their health but I'm sort of having the view since the lame man immediately pointed out Jesus to the Pharisees as the man who healed him....despite Jesus telling him not to point him out. I have the feeling that "something worse" did happen to him because his heart was unchanged.
What does this all have to do with me? Well I think it is really important for me to put myself in front of Jesus and I have to be ready to be healed..instead of offering a bucket full of excuses about why Jesus has not yet healed me. I should not come feeling like Jesus hasn't healed me because he is unable or unwilling to heal me; Tomorrow is a new day. maybe tomorrow is the day of my healing; At the very very least, I would like to leave tomorrow with some new insight into what God has for me....and what he expects of me with whatever resources he has given me.
What's going on in my head?? Not too much that doesn't already belong there. I'm not sure when my brain cleared up. I'm thinking it was somewhere in the midst of my 6 day fast. Is there a connection there? I'm sure Dr Fuhrman would say "yes--the fact that your mind cleared was due to the purification of the fast." But I don't know what the true reason is. A more acceptable reason would be that God heard the cries of my heart in the midst of my fast and he answered my pleas. Tomorrow at 10:00 AM I am have a time of pray with a pastor friend and another woman from my church who is a prayer warrior. They are coming to my house tomorrow at 10:00 and the three of us will pray in one accord that God would heal me. I have three maladies that I would like to lay before God. Now here comes the hard question. Am I READY to be healed? In other words, what would my life look like if it were minus some issues? What would a day be like without pain? It seems easy to say, "it would be wonderful!" but it would also be terrifying. What if I needed to go back to work and was able to go and succeed. That thought honestly scares me.... I haven't worked in years. And I think that my mental illness is as big a factor in my lack of ability as my physical illnesses are. And how will I know if I've been healed or not? It would take time and trial by fire to know for sure.
So then, what do I hope to achieve in tomorrow's prayer time?
1) I would like a definitive "yes" or "no" in terms of an answer. I want to be assured that this is where God has me for a purpose that only he knows so I could know once and for all that this is where God wants me...or does he have some other purpose in my life? (And it would be GREAT if he would somehow clarify that purpose for me.) Ie: does God want me to KEEP ON PRAYING for healing or am I to be satisfied like Paul that his strength will accomplish and keep me in my weakness and demonstrate himself to be strong and for me just to accept God's answer once and for all.
2) I would beseech God to show me something of his purpose through my suffering. Is there some way on earth that my illness is playing a role in God's purposes? Or would healing bring him more glory. I'm tired of being on the sidelines and not being "in the game" Does God have me on the sidelines to minister to others some how? Just to bring him glory in the way I suffer --doing whatever God has ordained me to do there, ministering to other sufferers.....and demonstrating the greatness and immensity of God by being my source of help and salvation.
3) and finally: Am I ready to be healed? Sort of sounds like a stupid question..,,but I've gone for all these years praying and being prayed FOR . and I've had to resign myself to unanswered prayer. I 've had to kind of look at my life and come to a peace between myself and my infirmities while I tried to explain God's possible reasons for not "coming through" and answering my prayers. Is there some part of me that is NOT ready to unearth those answers and to dig up my dead hopes for them to be dashed once more. Or is there some part of me that is comfortable being dead. Life demands much more from me well than it does being sick.
When I look at my life...any given day...I deal with unspeakable, unbearable pain. I can no longer imagine my life without pain. Or without hallucinations== And that unknown part of healing is something that raises dis-ease in me. I'm sort of like the man at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus asked him, 'Do you want to be healed?' And the man immediately launches into a reason why he has not been healed before. He never does answer Jesus's question....probably because sickness was all he'd ever known. And he'd turned it into a career...He probably was not sure how he felt about being healed. And how did Jesus leave him? With the words, "go and sin no more, or something worse may happen to you.." What was his sin? Making money off of his illness? Did something happen to him as a result of something sinful that he did which resulted in his disability?
Elsewhere in the Gospels Jesus asked a blind man, "What do you want me to do for you?" And the blind man answers "Lord I want to regain my sight"...and Jesus heals him...Both men regain their health but I'm sort of having the view since the lame man immediately pointed out Jesus to the Pharisees as the man who healed him....despite Jesus telling him not to point him out. I have the feeling that "something worse" did happen to him because his heart was unchanged.
What does this all have to do with me? Well I think it is really important for me to put myself in front of Jesus and I have to be ready to be healed..instead of offering a bucket full of excuses about why Jesus has not yet healed me. I should not come feeling like Jesus hasn't healed me because he is unable or unwilling to heal me; Tomorrow is a new day. maybe tomorrow is the day of my healing; At the very very least, I would like to leave tomorrow with some new insight into what God has for me....and what he expects of me with whatever resources he has given me.
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