Die Trying

Today I have to make a decision.  It can lead me to greater health and mobility....or it may well kill me.  I'm going to see a new rheumatologist.  He may want to put me on a medicine whose family is called "biologics"....I desperately need this medicine.  At first I was a bit ambivalent....but yesterday had a horrific day with pain....just sitting down and standing up was all I could do and it was accomplished with great caution and jerkiness and lots of pain.  My neck is progressively deteriorating.  My shoulders are increasingly useless.  My feet feel like they are filled with shards of glass. I cannot go on this way.

I'd had hopes that my diet would help my pain levels but thus far it has not.  Even Dr Fuhrman who claims to cure everything inluding the common cold, said that if you've had an RAD (Rheumatoid arthritic disease) for some time and you already have lots of damage, his diet is limited in what it can do for you.  I think I fall squarely into that category.

How can the biologic kill me?  I know I've covered this in past blogs but maybe you are new here.  I will explain for you.  Because my disease is an autoimmune disease, my immune system is confused and thinks my own joints and organs are the enemy and it sends out killer cells to destroy my own body.  Biologics work by destroying the immune system so it cannot damage me.  But you say, "Don't you kinda NEED your immune system?"  Yes. You do  And this is where the danger comes in.  When I was on Enbrel, first I had pneumonia and then I had endocarditis (and infected heart valve)...Either infection can be lethal.

My infectious disease doctor told me that he expects me to come in with sepsis one day and to not survive it. (Sepsis is a bodywide infection)  ...But then he told me that if he were me, and suffering the way I am, he would opt to take the medicine too.  

So today I must decide....before I see the doctor, what treatment I'm going to pursue.  And I honestly think I'm gonna go for broke and take the biologic.  That is if he will give it to me.

My daughter does not want me to take this medicine.  But she will also not want to have to care for me once I become completely disabled.  If these drugs can give me come quality of life...then why not?   My options are narrowing.  My mobility is diminishing.  My pain is increasing.  Time to do something proactive.  Now it might be that this rheumy will refuse to give me the medicine just like the last one did.  If so, I'm up the creek without a paddle.  There are no more rheumatologists for me to see in this area.  So I'm praying.  Putting it in God's hands.  And leaving the outcome to him.