Ill and Feeling Pensive

Feeling really sick tonight...with a sinus  infection and bronchitis.  Angry because I have to be on steroids again and the fact that this jeopardizes my surgery on the 29th.  Worried because of the craziness that steroids always bring to me.... I asked for prayer tonight on my Facebook status and a friend from church posted this for me...Psalm 20.

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

 ¹ May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
   may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
² May he send you help from the sanctuary
   and grant you support from Zion.
³ May he remember all your sacrifices
   and accept your burnt offerings.
⁴ May he give you the desire of your heart
   and make all your plans succeed.
⁵ May we shout for joy over your victory
   and lift up our banners in the name of our God.

   May the LORD grant all your requests.

 ⁶ Now this I know:
   The LORD gives victory to his anointed.
He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary
   with the victorious power of his right hand.
⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
   but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
   but we rise up and stand firm.
⁹ LORD, give victory to the king!
   Answer us when we call! 

I was very touched by that...and by the fact that she said she is praying this passage for me. I feel very secure in the prayers of God's people tonight.  Any sickness at all is dangerous for me. I am taking drugs which are intended to destroy my immune system to keep it from attacking my joints; so to recover from an infection is difficult ---and risky.  I'm hoping that because I caught this fairly early, it will respond to the antibiotics...and that my asthma, always problematic when I have this combo of infections, will quickly be controlled by the steroids. I'm scheduled for elbow surgery on the 29th of this month..and have masses of important MD appointments pending.

I keep praying that God will take me home to be with him in his kingdom....but when I actually get sick, then I always pray to get well! lol.  God must be wondering which it is that I really want.  I guess I just don't want to suffer. I finally got the nerve up to ask my daughter to be my proxy --in my durable medical power of attorney form that I'm filling out...She was pretty calm about it...and agreed to do it.  I questioned her as to whether or not she could handle it and carry it out and she said, Yes, she could.  This is a great relief to me. I didn't have any other good options for people to ask and I implicitly trust her to carry out my wishes.

Sorry for the gloomy topic.  It's not gloomy to me though.  It's something I've had to think about.  Something that is close to me...follows me like a dog on a leash. I've been close to death many times.  And with each new diagnosis..it looks more appealing. 

I look forward to heaven eagerly.  I just sometimes worry that I'm not quite ready for it....that God still has a lot of refining to do in me....that he wants me to return to the place of intimacy I had with him just a short while ago first.  And how MUCH I desire that too!  I don't know what is impeding me. Is it just that my capabilities mentally have changed so much that my capacities for prayer and study and meditation have changed so greatly that my former practices are just not possible anymore?  I know my desire for him...my joy in worship are still the same.  It's just ...I don't know...my level of moment by moment awareness and prayer has changed.

I've tried to change these things. I've prayed for HIM to change them in me.  What is lacking? I know my prayers are sincere.  My desire is true.  Please, if you know the Lord and he is your Lord, please pray for me in this.  Pray that he will ready me for heaven...or for living and doing his will for me here.
Thank you friends.