Why God, why??

Today I went to church....and was in so much pain that all I could do throughout the whole thing was to pace the floor and count the minutes until I could get back into my bed. And when I finally did, I don't think anything in my whole life has been a bigger relief...except when I'd dislocated my hip and finally, after about five hours of pain like I cannot describe to you, they gave me an anesthetic. But this afternoon, I fell asleep when I hit the bed, about as quickly as I did from the conscious sedation that day in the hospital. Pain has a way of draining you completely. I think that's why I go to bed at about 7:30 at night. It's like my body says, "Okay, I've had enough of this..." and I'm asleep almost as soon as I hit the bed.

They prayed for me again after church. One of the men who was sitting near me saw how much pain I was in during church and asked me to come up front to be prayed for again. Again, many from the congregation came forward to pray for me. On the three occasions where they have done this for me recently, I felt so bathed with their love that it brought tears to my eyes. And in each of the times when I had to stand afterward and realize that God had chosen once more not to heal...I felt a sadness for them...because they sincerely believed that God would make a move of Divine Healing and remove my pain. I felt that in some way I was letting them down, by not walking out with a restored spine. I know that God can do this. But I'm starting to really feel that He won't.

I had a day last week where, in great pain and in great angst I prayed and cried out to God for an answer and an explanation as to what possible reason he could have in allowing me to suffer like this. And in the moments after my prayer; Heaven was silent. But later that day, through conversations with two other people, God showed me clearly that my pain is helping some people deal with the pain in their own lives. And that truly, I am blessed of God to be able to have this ministry and to be able to "share in His suffering." This is not a concept that sits well with people. It is not something that is easily translated into our world where things must feel good and be comfortable for them to be right. It is rather, a mystery. And it is one that God has allowed me a tiny peek into understanding.

I have a good friend, a sister in the Lord, who lives in the Philippines. And she and her family experience daily the bite and sorrow of extreme poverty. They often have only a few bites of rice in an entire day for their sustenance. The children do not want XBoxes for Christmas. They have requested simple items of clothing...except for the eldest ( who is not very old), who has bravely said that she will forego her gift so that maybe the others can get theirs.) The younger two want a shirt and a pair of shoes. That moved me greatly. Here I am, enjoying a house so full of possessions that I don't know where to put them all...and these children want clothing for Christmas! Here I am struggling to find room in the refrigerator for the groceries we bought yesterday, and they have only rice.

This breaks my heart.

And I believe that it breaks the heart of God also. This is NOT what he created this world to be like. And I think His heart still aches when He sees things like this, even though He has already taken the necessary steps to ultimately correct the things that man has screwed up by his disobedience. Christ already has died on the cross. Death is already doomed. The sins and injustices of poverty are already righted ---in Heaven's time and perspective. So we ask, "Why God, why do you delay to bring relief here to us who suffer??" Scripture answers that question in the book of 2 Peter. Chapter 3 verses 8-9 say this:

But you must not forget, dear friends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn't really being slow about his promise to return, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to perish, so he is giving more time for everyone to repent.

On the day when God brings this world to a close, he will judge death and he will judge sin...because isn't it after all, often the sins of people (and ourselves) which cause us such misery? And He will close the chapter on Suffering for those who love him and have acknowledged that it is through what Jesus did on the cross that they have any hope of this salvation. And sometimes my heart cries out...in unison with the hearts of all God's people who suffer, "Lord, HOW MUCH LONGER?"

And I look at the people that I love who have not yet sought Y'shua for their salvation...and I KNOW why God waits.

But then one still asks "Why? O God?" Why do I hurt? Why is my sister hungry?
And we do not always get an answer to these questions. But I have the full assurance that one day, when the obscurity of ignorance and Time is gone....When I look back at my life with eternal eyes, once I'm in His kingdom....all these questions will be gone. I won't even have to ask them to Him....because the answer will be plain.

God is at work. He is at work in me as a result of my pain. He is at work in the relief that He brings me through having a comfortable home and bed. He is at work in the fact that He brought me and my Filipina friend together and He has permitted me the great joy of helping her just a tiny bit as I am able. He brings us comforts and reliefs.

He is at work in the ways that He permits me the honor of reaching into your homes via the internet, and allowing me to share my words and my thoughts and my life with you. And maybe, my suffering has reached you in some way and encouraged you today in whatever struggle you are facing. A friend whom I met via my blogs who lives in England recently told me (on that very day that I cried my "why??" out to God,) that I'd repeatedly ministered to her through my writing and that it was ALWAYS a consequence of my suffering that I was able to do this. He allows us to comfort others and He brings us comfort through this fact and through them sharing the lessons of their pain with us.

And someday, when I stand in that place where Time as I once understood it, no longer exists, I will look at the measly few years of my suffering --and these 20+ years of pain WILL be only a few then--and it will be like the blink of an eye. But the things that I learned about my God as a result of them and the reward He gives me for being faithful to Him in the midst of this agony will NOT be temporary or fleeting. NO, those gifts I'll have for all eternity.