NO WARM FUZZIES

Sometimes I feel like an inadequate Christian.

I know that my heart is committed to the Lord. I know that I will follow him anywhere. I trust him in all circumstances...even like now, when it's been tough. I am (usually) loving to people although, I will willingly admit, I am NOT the most sensitive or considerate person. I often fall short in sending out "Thank You" notes...and am lucky if I remember my husband or daughter's birthdays, let alone anyone that of anyone else Those are not areas in which I'm gifted. (I DO know, however, not to end a sentence with a preposition! lol)

And I don't walk around all bubbly and cheerful and oozing Jesus everywhere I go.

I confess. That's true. And I'm a bit ashamed of it. I don't know whether Jesus has just not fully transformed my character yet....or whether this is just ME and I'm being the way he wants me to be. I have a rather biting sense of humor....and sometimes, I admit, can take it too far. I tend to be kind of gloomy in my manner....Life has been hard...and I'm not able to pretend that it hasn't. But it's been hard for other people too....and THEY go around spouting Bible verses and worship songs and "PTL"s....and I look at them and I look at myself and I have to wonder: What's my deal?? Why am I not like that?

I'm not a naturally optimistic person...although when I compare myself to some of the Cassandras around me; I'm delusional in the degree of my positivity. My optimism is NOT based on life or on what life has to dole out. I'm incredibly negative in that regard. Expect the worst; because it' s bound to happen; that's more my motto. BUT, I have a great trust and faith that when the worst comes, our Lord rides the winds to come to our aid and that he walks with us through every valley. Because my life has taught me both of these outlooks, and I know them to be truth. I will not delude myself or others to believe otherwise.

I know some people who are so doggedly, blindly rejecting of life's trials and hardships...declaring them all to be "from Satan" (when I believe that everything that comes to touch us, first must go through God's approval process)...that they REFUSE to even admit that they are sick or hurting...when obviously, they are!! I say that this is not only delusional, but dishonest...and I'm not afraid to tell them so when push comes to shove. This honesty of mine has recently gotten me into trouble....but that's another story.

I'm kind of a prickly, acrimonious person. I don't think it is only life that has made me this way...I think I was born this way.

My mother frequently speaks of how, as a baby, I never would accept a snuggle or a cuddle, but rather would "stiff-arm" her and be in quite a hurry to get elsewhere.

So, should I continue to feel less than adequate as a believer because I do not exude the warm fuzzies? Or should I just accept that this is how God made me to be and to recognize my tendency to be insensitive and try to guard against hurting others? There are other gifts that God has given me...but thoughtfulness and considerateness are not among them.

I will say that this has given me a greater ministry with some others (usually males with higher intelligence for some reason. My daughter often laughs and tells me I should have been a man). I am much more cut and dried and go straight to the chase...and I like to THINK about things in depth....Some of my favorite books are the Works of Jonathan Edwards and those of Oswald Chambers, John Piper, and Randy Alcorn...I can say, (and with some pride) that I have never (and will never) read a romance novel, Christian or otherwise....

But ask me to host a dinner party, or to comfort someone who's just lost a loved one? I would definitely flounder.
But there is a time and a place for everything under the sun...and I need to just know my place and not beat myself up because I don't have every gift or strength. God had a gap that he created me to fill here on this earth... I am the person God has made, so rejoice and be glad in it!