To Live --or Die?

I read a blog post of some lonely, sad young woman somewhere in this world...who was counting out her pills and planning her next move , early this morning in the wee hours. I commented to her urging her, of course to try to just get through the night without any rash action. Thought about my overt helplessness in the situation, but then began to pray for her. Not a position of powerlessness but one of power.

I pray she made it through the night.

Reading her post took me back to similar nights...nights when I could no longer tolerate my mental agony, and not only counted those death-capsules, but swallowed them....And the miracles God worked to save me...literally snatch me from the very grave's edge and bring me back. At the time, I was angry about that: furious. I remember they had to put restraints on my wrists as, even in my stupor, I struggled to pull the ventilator tubes from my mouth ....Determined to die. And so angry at being thwarted.

Things did not improve quickly after that.

It really took several years before I was not looking for any opportunity to exit this planet. But at the same time, I had this helpless sense, that no matter what I did, God would not allow it. That for some reason he had me here and I was "doomed" to stay and carry out that purpose.

Now, even all these years later, I'm not really sure what that purpose was specifically...It was probably a combination of lots of things he wanted me to do. And things he wanted me to become. I was not ready for heaven...and not qualified for hell. I was his child. And so I had to suffer through the hell of some years before I could get to the point where I could look back at that rescue with any kind of gratitude.

And things got better.

And then things got worse.

And now things are once more on the upswing.

Nothing in life is static. If you feel one way one moment and think it's not tolerable, wait five minutes, and it will change! Even things that are persistent like despair or deep depression...are ultimately temporary. The thing about depression though, is that, from the vantage point of being inside of it; it looks interminable. hopeless. But that is a lie of your emotions.

The other lie is that the only escape is death. THAT particular lie is, I believe, straight from the pit of hell. The enemy is a murderer and a destroyer. How best to accomplish that task but to convince us to take ourselves 'Out' for him? To make US to the dirty work. But later, when we come back out on the other side of that dark cloud...and look back with a shudder, we are amazed that we could have been so convinced to do such a foolish thing; To think that walking into that dark night would really IMPROVE things for us at all! It is only through LIFE that we have any hope of salvation...and here I am not really talking about God's salvation,...but salvation from death and despair.

I mean, really, how do you KNOW that after death there will be nothing?
I tried really hard to convince myself of this.
Wanted with all my heart to believe it.
But that is another of the Deceiver's handy dandy lies.

Now, years later, I've experienced and met up with the furies of hell. with spirits so malevolent that the thought of them too, brings shudders. I have no doubt that such a place exists...and our hell is NOT on this earth, as we conveniently try to believe.

I'm not trying to frighten or terrify anyone into staying alive...although if that works, so be it.
But it is something to be seriously weighed and SERIOUSLY considered. How do you KNOW what you'll be facing; where you'll be going should you choose that route? It's really a high stakes gamble...and not one you can change your mind about.

Why risk all of eternity because of the misery of a few minutes, hours or even years??
It's really craziness to do that. And the enemy is really good at obscuring Truth from our minds in times of distress. Better to admit, "OKay, I am not at my most rational right now...I should not make any eternal decisions in this moment. " and wait. Wait a day or a year....and think REALLY carefully.

Honestly, suicide does not make any kind of sense.
that from a person who's tried it more times than I care to admit.

But I'll bet my 18 year old daughter is glad that in those years before her birth, I did not succeed at my exit plans. For that reason alone my staying and sticking out these 20+ more years has been worth a few nights of misery....

Look at that agony as labor pains. Pains that will birth in new life ...and fresh starts ...and new hope. NO one would kill themselves because childbirth hurts. They are focused on the product of that pain..and that makes it so much more worth it.